"When I Least Expected It"

A little update....

2012-01-12T14:07:00.004-05:00

From my family to yours, I hope you had a Happy Holiday Season, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Hoping 2012 brings you many blessings!

The girls were fun and just keep growing leaps and bounds. I love it! Though I want to hit "pause". Except for the tantrums..whew!

So on to some pictures:

Kristin in her fairy wings, princess crown and dress up skirt at my mom's on Christmas. (4 kids and the place was a wreck)

This is Lara just Tuesday night being silly in her highchair when it was time for bed and she crawled in there, fastened herself and said "I stuck Mommy, no night night"

And me. 16 weeks. Doing pretty good. Can't complain (yet). And big u/s is scheduled on Feb 8, where we may or may not find out the sex.

Happy kid, Baby New Year, and all things good!

2011-12-01T11:53:00.003-05:00

I am busy, busy, busy...who's not? I know. And HELLO..tis the Season to be Merry!

Finishing this last class for my master's. Growing a fetus. Trying to run a household. Trying not to lose my job... or at least not lose my schmidt at the job...and well I try not to lose it at home too. You know the norms of being a mom.

I love Christmas. I love decorating! I love the sights and the sounds and the lights! Oh the lights! I love love love Christmas. Oh I also get a little mini vacay from the job, and who doesn't love that? Part of my perks of being a teacher, since the rest of it isn't much fun or worth the pay.

The girls are doing awesome and are just so cool it is amazing! So Thanksgiving was awesome and as parents we had a little 1:1 time with each kid. That was cool and after the 100 question of "where Ra-ra go?" and "where Ti-ti at?", I think they too enjoyed some 1:1 attention.

This was Lara's time with Daddy:

Happy kid!

Kristin: although this is not from her 1:1 time, it was too cute not to share. My Little Baby New Year (with my niece)

And here is the most recent pic of baby #3...all is well and doing great. Even waved Hi there!

10 wks and 2 days. Moving right along.

In the midst of badness there was goodness

2011-11-10T11:27:00.004-05:00

I missed Halloween. Thanks to a parent for sending their sick and puking child to school on that Friday, I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday/Monday thinking I was in the throes of hell aka as morning sickness...until, well I will save you the details, just know it wasn't pretty and then OMG I was about to keel over. I called Dr M's office who stated I should probably go to the ER and get fluids.

8 hours later and a couple bags of fluids they asked if I wanted an u/s..well yes since we are here and my co-pay for an ER visit is outrageous, I might as well tack on something worth coming in here since I am missing seeing the girls in their costumes and saying "ick or tweet"

So...

We have a heartbeat! 122 bpm which for 5wks 6 days (which I was at the time) was "normal"! I heart "normal"!

Had an appt 2 days later with Dr M and there was still a little flickering heart in there! He asked so you want to come back in 2 weeks or 4? What do you think? See ya in 2 weeks! Which was really last week, so next week we go back and I will be 8w1d.

Other than that, busy busy busy. Loving on the girls and trying to survive this last class for my master's.

Sorry no pics of the girls..I haven't uploaded and Bobby really didn't take many Halloween night cause he was overloaded and all, you know with the 2 kids and taking them trick or treating, cause being with 2 kids by yourself is hard! Just sayin'!

Still holding my breath

2011-10-19T10:44:00.002-04:00

That's the newest addition to our family whose arrival date is June 26, 2012 (which is my dad's birthday, he would have loved to seen all his grandkids). We had a good appt with Dr M. My second beta was 808. WOW! And when he did the u/s everything was "good and normal"!

Still seems surreal. We are still keeping it a secret for awhile longer. Go back in 2 weeks for another u/s to see a heartbeat...until then I can worry and analyze everything and worry some more.

Bobby asked Kristin do you want a baby brother or baby sister? She said a sister. That seems so far away! Wow, I am pregnant!

Holding my breath on things....

2011-10-18T10:04:00.007-04:00

So still working...boo! But I am trying to find a way out of here! I am hoping I got something up my sleeve so I can call it quits to teaching for at least 2 years until the girls are in school. We shall see.

I LOVE fall! It is college football season and the leaves are starting to change! I love it!

I love my girls and being with them just rocks. It is hard to imagine my life without them and boy I must have been bored before them! The girls are just awesome in every way and I can hardly believe that Bobby and I created them!

Here's some pics of them picking out their pumpkins:

Lara saying "cheese"

Kristin on top of her pumpkin

Oh and here's something else:

Shocked that we got this far. Had a Beta done on Friday at 12 dpo and it was 188. I went yesterday for one so waiting on that result. And Dr M wanted to see us when the nurse told him Friday. Probably cause he missed seeing Bobby. So I will see what he says today. Prayers for healthy please! Oh and we are keeping it on the downlow right now.

Sad September

2011-09-07T11:53:00.002-04:00

Our Mommy went back to work and that sucks! We are mad and we don't like it!

So September has started and with that it means, Mommy is back to work. I did not go easily, I went kicking and screaming. Then Irene came and though I didn't have power for days, I enjoyed having a few more days with the girls- power or no power. Isn't it pathetic, I enjoyed a hurricane cause I got to be with my kids? Sad. Now I am eyeing the tropics, just kidding...kinda. No really we were lucky in that we had minimal damage and we are all safe. It was a pain to not have power for over 4 days with 2 kids, but a generator is nice thing to have. Our area still has alot of damage.

A friend coined the term "Sad Sundays", you know the afternoon on Sundays when you realize that Monday is right around the corner and you get all glassy eyed. That's how I feel about September...and every Sunday of course but only during the school year.

Here's some of the girls 2 year portraits:

My precious Kristin

Chillin' Kristin

My loving Lara

Laughing girl

In other news, last month BFN, but I do believe I Oed on my own. I had my second 28 day cycle but with some major monitor mix up we missed prime time per se.

However, I am currently 1dpo. And I managed to get in some good BD in. So now we wait. Just hoping for whatever God has in store for us. Starting to accept that our family is probably complete. Which that's ok. But #3 would be awesome too! Time will tell!

Happy 2nd birthday!

2011-08-09T21:10:00.004-04:00

They had their birthday the Monday night. We are having their party on Sunday, since we were on vacation last week. Here's a little preview of my girls having their birthday cupcakes!

Kristin likes cupcakes

Mmmm...good

Lara kept saying "Cupcake yummy Mommy" over and over and over

Yes it is Yummy!

Had their 2 yr old appt. Got the clean bill of health which is the most important part.
Kristin is 25 lbs 5 ozs (25th) and 34 in (25th)
Lara is 22 lbs 15 ozs (10th) and 32 5/8 in (10th)

They are growing well and hitting milestones. YAY babies!

So I will confess, I cried about them turning 2. Turning one wasn't as hard for me as turning 2. Am I going to cry every year?

On the TTC front: PCOS is being a Biotch! She is effing with me and this is SO NOT COOL! All my good vibes from last month have stopped. I am CD 14 with NO ovulation in sight. Send me some healthy O dust! I need something! Since we have a limit on what we will do and how long, I just feel...ughhh!

Shocker

2011-07-27T08:45:00.002-04:00

I figured. Not surprised. Barely flinched.

I do however have the cutest girls ever! They are SO sweet it makes my heart swell with love when I hear "I oov you Mommy" sealed with a "kissey". I love that they walk over grab my face and plant one on me and say "kissey Mommy kissey" Ahhh...I love them so much it is amazing. I would do anything for them!

Here's some things we have been up to on Mommy's spell of being a SAHM for the summer.

Their first pony ride...It was awesome. Except they allowed us to put them on there and then said they both can't ride at the same time...yeah that lead to a temper tantrum... thanks!

Lara LOVED the pony ride.

Kristin also loved the pony ride but she threw herself into the mud during her tantrum so here is a cuter picture of her "Mommy oov maa" aka Mommy I love the goat. She also called the chickens "bock bock", hilarious!

I have had SO much fun with them this summer! I can't believe they are almost 2! Where has time gone? But everyday I think "Wow this age is awesome. Can I hit pause?"

Game on

2011-07-14T16:21:00.003-04:00

Got this surprise this morning!!

Let the games begin! Bow chicka bow bow (insert wink)

And since you haven't seen them in awhile. Here's the girls!

Lara playing at the Botanical Gardens

Kristin having fun

The girls playing together.

Totally having a blast being a SAHM for the summer! Doing fun play dates, meeting up with some good friends, and trying to get them potty train, unsuccessfully I might add! Doing 2 is HARD!

I have lost 25 lbs. Officially 10 lbs more to go to be the weight I was when I got pregnant with the girls. Feeling a ton better about myself.

So now we have to wait to see what happens.....

We "talked"

2011-06-28T20:58:00.002-04:00

Dum Dum Dum (my drum roll)

We FINALLY had our talk.. and I am late posting this. But school let out and I am totally rocking being a SAHM for the next 9 weeks.

Anyway, we talked and....

The ring comes out this Saturday and we are officially giving it a whirl! There are some compromises to the whole TTC thing. Which I get and we shall see how it goes.

I am nervous and scared and excited! WOW!

PS- I already ordered HPTs and CBE fertility monitor sticks off e.bay! Ha! Already back to the "old" stuff.

I am too lazy to find the camera and upload pics of my girls... but they are just as cute as ever. Oh and we are on Day 2 of potty training...had some accidents...2 successes. We will keep at this! My will is bigger than theirs! I WILL win this battle!

Stay Tuned...

2011-06-06T12:12:00.003-04:00

to see if we TTC #3... still "no talk" so no TTC right now that's for sure. Amazing how the subject can be avoided by doing all sorts of other stuff!

Been trying for 3 days to add pictures and having problems...sorry.

Planning

2011-05-17T13:15:00.006-04:00

As promised here is My ttc #3 plan. I say MY plan because apparently I am the only person that is ttc #3 in my house.

Last night after we cut off the lights and tv, Bobby said "Do you really want another baby? Cause I am really happy with the 2 we do have. If we are then we need to get going, I guess."

I said "Yes of course I do. I always wanted 3 kids", he said "I will do whatever you want, but I think 2 is plenty. We will never have anything if we have another. I am content. It is all I can do to make it work with the 2 we have."

My solution: "I will give up something" Bobby asked me what can I give up? I don't know, I already am the ~~ONLY~~ main person to sacrifice so I don't know. The only thing I do know is that IF we don't TTC #3, I am afraid in a few years I will regret it and be disappointed that we didn't even try.

I sent Bobby a text message today about and the response was "This is not a texting conversation. I will go out to dinner with you and discuss it because I want to concentrate on you, the discussion, and what is said." So I guess case closed until we get to go out to eat... which we haven't done by OURSELVES since October, so I wonder when we will go...

So the plan was:

1. Go off BC next month (June)
2. Have Dr up my Metformin to 1000 mg (what I was taking at Jones, currently I am on 500 mg)
3. Do progesterone suppositories (I think I took 2 a day at the Jones)
4. Try for 6 months at the most and if no BFP wrap it up and call it done and It is the way it is meant to be AND sell ALL the baby stuff overtaking my attic

That's it. Nothing more than that. NO stimming ovaries, NO Clomid, NO Follistim, NOTHING!

Bobby has stressed on numerous occasions that he is scared that we will miscarry again. He can't take losing another baby or watch me go through that pain again. I understand that, I do. I don't know how I would feel if we lost another baby, but I survived it 2 times, so I could survive again. It would suck though for sure.

Also, not having a sibling for the girls is NOT as devastating as the thought of never having a child of our own ever. They have each other. I thought when I found out it was twins, YES, we will never have to go through treatments again. I can promise I won't go through treatments again. I can't do it... the hot flashes, the time, the hormones, the sticks, the blood draws, the u/s... I can't. I don't have time now and like I said, not having a sibling for them is different for me.

I want a 3rd baby, but I will be ok if we don't have one. But I think if we don't even try I will always wonder. Does that make sense?

PS- At work so no new pics of girls on this computer, sorry.

A day late and a dollar short...

2011-05-09T12:42:00.003-04:00

That's the story of my life, but Hey I have twins and that's my excuse (and demise financially) and I am sticking to it! But....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I enjoyed my day and gave myself a treat... pictures of my 21 month old bay-bies! Time slow down...wait let me catch up! Geesh! Go a little slower!

Getting good pictures are hard of one kid, let alone two kiddos who want to move. But I am pleased with what we got. Kristin was a HAM! Let me tell you. She was all, Hey take my picture cause I am cute, smiling and all. Lara was ON THE GO! I mean I couldn't get her to be still. The picture of them together was the very first picture and then the rest she was a blur in the pictures. Even her dress is blurry in the one of her as she was running! But I am still happy with what we got, cause it is a true reflection of my life!

Oh and just in case you didn't notice, totally trying to make up for my 3 month pause as I scraped by while doing that stupid class! Plus I figure everyone wants to see how precious the bay-bays are... cause I think they are!

Hope you all enjoyed your mother's day!

Call me a "nerd"

2011-05-06T10:17:00.003-04:00

My final grade was posted yesterday... "A"! YAY! 4.0 maintained! I wasn't sure, this class was HARD and very intense! So I am proud of myself!

The girls are just so amazing. They do something new and say something everyday. They mimic and repeat us...so cool! We try to play with them outside everyday, weather permitting. The biggest hits are the sandbox and the tricycles. We take them for walks with their tricycles. Cracks us up as the stare at something and the tricycle starts veering off the opposite way! They LOVE dogs and get so excited when they see one. "Dog, Dog, Dog" between squeals of delight. Someday, we will have another, but I still miss Reese. I still cry for him so I can't imagine getting another dog anytime soon. Anyways, here's the girls and some of their adventures:

Lara loves to take care of her sister...

Kristin pushing Lara on the tricycle

Lara pushing Kristin.

At least they take turns (we did buy 2 tricycles though) pushing each other, Mommy gets tired sometimes.

Oh and while taking this class, the stress of hating my job still, life in general and to make myself feel better... I went back on South Beach. I have lost 15 lbs in a little over 2 months. I am exercising and I just plain feel better. Also a little prep for the possible trial for baby #3. Gotta try to get in shape even if I don't get pregnant, I needed to lose this baby weight from the girls, 20 months after them is just plain too long to carry around the extra 30-35lbs from being pregnant with them. So I hope to continue this lifestyle change and good habits and IF I am lucky I will have lost more weight and be closer to the weight I was when I got pregnant with them, just in case I get pregnant this summer. I promise I will do a post about my TTC plan and all soon.....

2 months and some change

2011-04-27T13:17:00.010-04:00

I am SO profoundly sorry that I have been unable to update. My class for my master's/renewing my license for teaching has officially kicked my ass since January! However, I am DONE! I finished the last test last week (I wrote this post almost a week ago but was unable to post cause I wanted to add pictures, which took me until now)! As long as I don't miss more than 7 points on my paper (which I have only lost a 1/2 a point at the most on the 8 papers I had to write this semester) I will maintain my 4.0 GPA. I strive to continue to be a dork! But I am cool with that!I want to keep my 4.0 cause I CAN! I can be "smart" LOL. I have never had a 4.0 when I graduated so I would like this to be my first time so I can say I did it, and tell my daughters that I expect that too! Just kidding... kinda.

The girls are just growing and changing so fast. I swear they pick up something new everyday. Their little imaginations are kicking and it amazes me. I love being their mom and can't believe how much I love them. I just feel so overwhelmed by how much I love them.

Here's some of what we have been up to:

Chillin' in Daddy's truck on the way to the zoo

Kristin's first popcicle (Easter Day)

Lata's first popcicle (Easter Day)

My Little Chef Kristin

My Little Chef Lara

We are ready for, I think the show is "Hell's Kitchen" or something like that. They love their play kitchens, we have one inside and I bought one off craigs.list for $10 for outside. We also got a sandbox and a house (off craigs.list $20) so lots of stuff to do outside. They love their new tricycles (pics next time). We are doing alot of family activities and just love being with our girls.

I can't wait for school to let out. I am SO ready for this school year to be over, I say it every year but in May and June I MEAN it, for real for real (as the kids tell me at school). I can't wait to hang out with my babies every day and

I also am pretty sure Bobby and I are going to give it a go for baby #3....

Happy Valentine's Day 2011!

2011-02-14T20:50:00.004-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

The girls had their 18 month appt. They are growing up TOO fast if you ask me!

Kristin- 21 lbs 14 oz (10th) 31 1/8 in (25th) and 181/2 in head (50th)

Lara- 19lbs 11oz (3rd- we moved up from less than a 3rd to 3rd YAY) and 30 1/4 in (10th) and 18 1/8 in head (45th)

Still teeny- tiny, itty bitty bay-bees. They have hit all the 18 month milestones and have done some of the 2 yr ones! OMG they will be 2 this summer!

Happy Valentine's Day! It was 70 degrees here today so we played for a few minutes outside cause it was so nice.

Been awhile...

2011-02-06T15:17:00.009-05:00

So last post we had a new playroom! I LOVE the playroom! The Playroom ROX!!!! Spend alot of time in the playroom! Super glad we built that room. It really is the most used room in the house now.... hard to believe, huh?

The girls are doing awesome. They will be 18 months old this week. How did this happen? I can't believe it. They are getting so smart.

They are doing animal sounds, you know a Duck says "quack, quack", etc. They love being read to. I swear I read 20 books a day. I hope they are smarter than Bobby and me. They make me smile. They make me happy.

I am bad at blogging. I started back to school. So I have this class I am in and another class and hopefully a test and I will be done with my master's. ABOUT time! I should have done this while TTC, but I was so baby focused, I couldn't see past making a baby that this got left out. After starting the class, I told Bobby my 4.0 GPA wasn't going to be a 4.0 anymore. I am just not into the class. I HAVE to pass and all. But I just don't want to put all the effort into studying like I did before the girls. Now I just want to do what I have to do... I will be ok if I get a "B". And a friend was so kind to tell me, "B's get degrees". That they do, so I will keep that in mind as I go through this class and get done what I need to get done and hurry up and finish this master's.

Bobby also left to go to Texas for a training. So I was a single mom. And everyone survived!

Anyway... I feel bad about my non-blogging. But I am not too terribly exciting anymore. Not TTC. Just floating through.

Been super excited that a few of my friends have gotten BFPs here lately though.

As I type this, I am watching the girls on the monitor. NOT sleeping! Handing each other toys from one crib to another! Hilarious!

Here's the babies!

This is their new way to "play". They sit on each other's head, chest, etc. Or lay and roll

Lara says "I got you now, you may be bigger than me, but beware of the little ones"

Kristin and her laugh... she has changed so much since my colicy baby

Holy curls Batman! Where did those come from?

Lara loves puzzles and being read to. She gets excited. I hope this desire to learn continues for life!

Little "La-La" feeding her bay-bees. They both do this, but Kristin doesn't stay still for me to get many pictures of her.

All pictures in the family playroom... LOVE it! Aren't they just so darn cute? Love them! OMG 18 months this week! Geesh! Where'e my bay-bees?

Drum roll please...........

2010-12-16T15:37:00.006-05:00

Houston, we have a playroom....

This was their first look last night of their "new room"

They squealed and twirled in their new room

We ate peanut butter cookies that Mommy made in our new room

We watched the "dough" fall outside on Mommy's snow day off from school

We looked at the snow outside beside our playroom, but the inside it 100% functional

So the room is not 100% completed, still have some finishing touches, but it is finished enough to play in it and have their toys in there! YAY!!!

Just in time for the influx of Christmas presents!

100 posts and two 15 month olds later

2010-11-12T10:27:00.007-05:00

This is my 100th post! And here we are: a happy little family of 4! The battles and struggles to get here are not forgotten, but have made me the person I am today. That could be good or bad, I guess depends on who you ask. But anywho...

So instead of the last PPD post, I decided to do a post on my girls.

Today we went to the dr. for their 15 month appt. He said they were "perfect and healthy" and that is all that matters. They are already doing some 18 month milestones so we are moving along.

Kristin is 20 lbs 8 oz (10th percent) 29 1/2 in (10th) and 18 in head circum (50th)
Lara is 18 lbs (less than 3rd) and 28 1/2 (3rd) and 17 5/8 in head circumference (25th)

Since Lara is still so small, we will stay in the infant seats and stay backwards facing for Kristin. It is easier to carry the infant seats out to the car and only have to make one trip with them. Mind you, I have already done at least 1 other trip of just "stuff" aka- purse, diaper bag, lunch bag (on school days)and whatever else we need for the outing.

Just glad they are healthy and meeting the milestones that they should be.

Here are the girls sitting together with BARELY any toys to play with and no books to read. Don't you feel sorry for them? Isn't it a shame that they have SO little? They are probably hoping for a few toys for Christmas... poor babies!

This is Kristin's new "What? I am not doing anything" face.

Her laugh can bring tears to my eyes. She laughs whole heartily and so enthusiastically.

Little Ladybug Lara

Lara jabbers non stop and then laughs so whatever she is saying it must be funny!

Part 4

2010-11-11T10:48:00.008-05:00

So where did I leave off?? Ok...

GUILT.

I felt guilty, I still feel guilty at times. I preferred one baby over the other. I had an easy baby and I had a colic baby. I mean, it was rough. This is something that still bothers me to this day. I know they won't know (gosh I hope not) but it still makes me feel guilty.

I felt guilty because I had lost 2 babies. I had cried and grieved for 2 babies. Now I had 2 babies and I was crying and resentful and angry. I wanted to be a mom... right? I wanted this. Yet I was SO sad.... this wasn't what I envisioned. No one warned me that it could be like this.

I felt guilty. I had friends who wanted to be right where I was.... a Mom. I had a healthy pregnancy. I had 2 healthy, beautiful babies. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just be happy? Why was I crying? Why was I so angry? Why wasn't this like I had imagined and dreamed?

Guilt. Guilt is mean. It is vicious. I still feel quite guilty today. I feel guilty that I am not a good mom. I feel guilty that time was "wasted" when they were born. I did not enjoy that time and it is time I can't ever get back. I feel guilty that alot of the time was spent in survival mode. I can't ever go back to them being a few weeks old. I can't get that back. I can't get time back. I can't get newborn pictures taken with a professional taken, I could have done that but I was "SO tired" and I wasn't functional, I mean I was functional in some sense but not to get anything extra done. Showers. Eat. Bathroom. Pump. Feed. Maybe sleep. I had priorities and somethings took a back seat. I can't get those moments back. I can't get the missed kisses or missed time holding them back. I can't get snuggle time back. I can't get alot of things back. EVER.

Guilt sucks. And I sometimes I feel like I suck.

I went back and read my blog posts from when I was going through the PPD hell. I remember what I was feeling as I wrote them. I remember wanting to be honest, but being afraid. Afraid people would bash me. Say well you wanted kids, you should have known. And I should have. But I didn't. I didn't know PPD would hit me. All the books say is "if you feel sad after a few days, talk to your doctor". Who feels they can call their doctor and say "Ummm...excuse me, but this isn't like I imagined. Ummm... I am angry at the world. Ummm... all I am doing is crying. You got a pill for that?" I mean, I couldn't do that. I cried in the OR after a D&C saying over and over 'I want my baby back', I got 2 babies and I was still crying. I felt that NOONE sane could do such a thing.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bobby was "building the playroom" and made sure he was outside whenever he could be. I mean I wanted to be away too, so I can hardly blame him. Except I was SUPER pissed at him. How did he get to shirk his responsibilities? I mean, how come it was SO important to build this room (the one we are STILL in the process of doing and not to mention sat dormant for months) right now? So him escaping to the construction only made me angrier at him, myself and the girls. I was tired still.....

In the meantime, I was still working full time in a thankless job and doing almost all of the work- Cleaning, laundry, being a full time caretaker of the twins by myself most of the time, pumping, trying to function as a person, getting everything ready for them and me everyday. I know alot of women do this, but I was still angry. This was NOT how I imagined motherhood. I guess I didn't think things all the way through.

The more I cried, the angrier I got.

I was resentful. At this point most of my anger really turned towards Bobby. I even blogged about it once, but I still wasn't all the way honest. I was still crying and frustrated and hated my new life. I felt he wasn't pulling his weight, in reality he probably wasn't but he was trying to do somethings, but he didn't know what to do with infants. I chose to shut him out and just be angry. I didn't want to talk about it, cause when I did it always turned into a fight and I had better things to do than fight with him, like sleep and get ready for the next day. He of course read my messages to Kate and then did the whole "well I don't do shit" comments, which only made me angrier. It wasn't working... and I thought about leaving him. I was doing everything on my own anyway, so why have him around? All he did was get in my way and bitch that we weren't having sex. Him bitching, did not make me want to have sex any more and the less that happened, the less I think he was helping me, making me angrier and the vicious cycle continued. But anyway...

Slowly the fog started lifting.....it also coincided with them sleeping through the night and Kristin's colic stopped. Go figure. Somewhere, somehow, I was feeling better. I wasn't crying as much. Colic was almost like a light switch, one day she just stopped crying. It was amazing. The girls and I were doing better. I never took those anti-depressants. I got a prescription, I did call Dr M after my appt and told the nurse I "thought maybe" I needed something. I picked it up from the drugstore. But never took one. They are still in the medicine cabinet. They made me feel better just being in the medicine cabinet.

Around 6 months of age... things changed. I sat watching Good morning Am.erica, as I feed the girls, pumped and ate breakfast, and they reported a story of a twin girl getting kidnapped. And I cried. Cried for the first time that if someone did something to one of my kids, I would die fighting for my girls. FINALLY, I knew what it felt like to be a Mom. I finally got it. I would hurt someone if they hurt my kids. I would go to jail for doing something to someone who did something to take away my kids' innocence. Suddenly, I thought "This is how moms feel, this is it." I cried... this time tears of joy.

So here I am, 15 months after their birth. Contemplating baby #3. Would I go through all of this again? Yeah... I guess. I'd like to skip the PPD part, but the love is amazing. Being a twin mom is HARD. It is not easy and I commend the women (and men I guess) that have triplets and quadruplets and more. Cause I REALLY don't know how they do it!!!

It is hard to believe, I created the 2 cutest human beings on earth. I survived PPD. I did it. And I can talk about it. It sucked. But I think it makes me have more empathy and sympathy for people who are struggling.

I wouldn't change being a Mommy. I LOVE my girls. Somethings have happened recently and I cried thinking anything could ever happen to my babies. My girls. I have stood over the cribs and thanked God for giving them to me. For blessing me with these 2 perfect babies. I am a survivor. I have survived loss, love, and lots of other things. But admitting openly and honestly about PPD is one of the hard things, having had the feelings you have while in PPD, it is hard to admit, hard to discuss.

I love Kristin. I love Lara. I love that I am their Mah-mah. I love that they are mine. I love they are so happy to see me. I love that they can make me cry and laugh at the same time. I love all the feelings they give me. Even though times can be trying, I wouldn't change having them. I love them!

These smiles are what I live for:

Part 3 of my PPD

2010-11-02T14:54:00.010-04:00

After a few more nights of Kristin fighting me to nurse, she was screaming all day long. I called Bobby at the fire station, I am going to lose it, I said. He asked if he needed to come home, what was wrong with her? How the hell do I know, and if I did know don't you think I would give it to her? I need her to stop. I am at the end of my rope.

We decided for me to take her to the dr. I called. No they couldn't fit me in today. So I said, She has been crying for hours. I will come sit in the waiting room with her crying until Dr B can see me. Hold please. Ok we can see you at 3. Is that ok? OK 3 pm.

So in my newborn hell, I went to the dr. He took a look, Oh she has some colic... and might have some reflux. Let's try this. Thank you, will she stop crying now?

She started taking Zantac for her reflux, I guess it helped. She didn't fight eating like she was. But at this point I decided I wasn't going to nurse her anymore. I would pump and put it in a bottle for her. I still would nurse Lara when I could and I pumped ALOT.

Kristin still cried for hours and that made things hard for me. I couldn't take all the crying. This is when Bobby decided to build the playroom for them (yes the one we are STILL building over a year later, yes that same room). I mean I understood escaping to outside, I wanted to escape too. This is when things got even worse for Bobby and me. I really was angry at him. I don't know why except that he seemed to be able to avoid taking care of the twins unlike I was able to. I was STUCK. TRAPPED. Trapped at home. Exhausted. I wanted to get away. But I couldn't. He left every other night and got a full night's sleep. I didn't. It pissed me off profusely when he said "I'm tired" Really? You are? Asshole.

I went for my 6 week post delivery check up. Kristin cried the whole time. And Bobby did something that he couldn't watch the girls so I could go by myself. So I had to go in the stirrups with Kristin screaming and my shirt soaking wet from her screaming. Dr M asked me how I was doing and we discussed birth control. I didn't care WHAT he gave me, just make SURE I couldn't get knocked up. Please, thank you very much. We discussed if Bobby and I were intimate. HELL NO, I don't even like him AND he thinks that we need to discuss putting Reese (Gosh I miss you buddy) to sleep. Umm... not a good time, Reese is sometimes the only person I like in the house right now. Yes I actually told Dr M that the dog was the only person in the house I liked most of the time. He should have caught on that SOMETHING was WRONG. But I use humor sometimes to hide my real feelings, so in fairness maybe he thought I was joking... I wasn't. Of course Dr M told me maybe sex would make me feel better. Whatever, you are a man, of course you think that. He also asked me if I "needed something". No. Nothing is wrong with me. I just hate my husband... I couldn't say I felt apathetic to everything. I mean what kind of mother would I be if I said it out loud?

We decided on the Mirena and I could come back to get it in. I tried to schedule the appt as far out as possible, but the receptionist, who was probably trying to get me the hell out since Kristin was still screaming, scheduled it for like 10 days later. When I got home, of course Bobby wanted to know if we were "cleared" for sex. Ummm... No, Dr M said we should wait til after the IUD. DON'T want to get pregnant...ok? Of course it wasn't what he said but I wasn't having sex so LEAVE me alone!

Then it was getting closer and closer for me to go back to work. I wanted to go. But I didn't want to go. I was Exhausted! I was excited to get time to "myself" (yes you can laugh at that). But if I went to work, it would be like a 'break'. Kristin still cried several times a day, ranging from a half hour to hours. Whatever she felt like.

The PPD continues. However, the guilt was killing me. How could I feel like this? To top it off there was all kinds of stuff going on. My friend Kate had been pregnant with twins and had lost her twins due to infection and possible incompetent cervix. And Maggie had had a traumatic birth and Rachel was a little tiny preemie in the NICU. And here I sat, totally unattached and a horrible distant mother, I had everything that alot of women wanted, I had a healthy pregnancy, 2 healthy babies and here I sat. Sad. Alone. Depressed. Crying. I felt like a piece of shit. So how could I say anything? I even talked to Kate most days, but I didn't let on, I mean how could I? She was grieving for her twins and I didn't even want mine around me. I was horrible. I felt guilty. I felt so selfish and ... I don't even know. I can't even tell you how I felt, because I felt so horrible. Here I had wanted a baby and I had that. I had prayed a million prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I had that. Two babies actually. I mean, what more could I want?

After all of the treatments, I was given everything I dreamed of. Except I felt like I was in a nightmare. A bad horror movie. I was in hell.

Guilt....

Guilt is a BAD thing. I felt guilty for how I felt. I secluded myself some. I know there was days, when people called, I just didn't answer the phone. I didn't want to lie, I mean talk. It was too much work. I couldn't even tell my best friend (who told me how I would just stare at them in awe and be amazed by them and I would feel this overwhelming love for them) that Nope, I felt nothing. I wanted to go back to my "old life", but I was trapped. Trapped in this hell. It was never going to get better. I was stuck.

I went back to work. I didn't cry when I left them with the sitter. People asked me that at work that morning. "Oh didn't you cry as you drove off?"
Isn't it terrible to leave them, I mean OMG they are so cute". I just shook my head yes... I cried... of course it was the hardest thing I ever did to leave them there. I was thinking, yeah I cried.... cried tears of joy. Yes I was FREE! Someone else could deal with Kristin's crying. WOO HOO!

I was still getting up 2 times a night with them. I was exhausted and in a "coma" if you ask me. I went to work, I was still in Groundhog Day, weeks flew by. Only irritating thing was how bitchy women are. At work someone "told" on me that I wasn't accepting their suggestions on how to teach a student. My principal came to talk to me about "being more positive" and made a nice suggestion for me to get a nanny so I could get more sleep. And that maybe if I didn't have such a nice car, we could afford a nanny. Eff off asshole. Anyway... didn't get a nanny, noted, smile at work and suck up people's bs comments about teaching (mind your own business school psychologist) and do what I was told. Be the "teacher I want my kids to have". Ok.

I also had said some things about Kristin crying and her colic and that I was tired and a little frustrated. Somehow that turned into women talking shit that I hated my kids and blah blah blah. Eff off too. Lyzz gave them a nice cold shoulder for me and warned me. Noted, don't talk about my kids at work. Smile. Everything is great.

Everything wasn't great. But I am a good actress. I could fake it. But it was all very exhausting. And inside I was screaming. And sometimes I screamed at home when all hell was breaking lose and I was SO tired.

Then things started to change some. Kristin's colic fit came right when we walked in the door after work. YAY me. But somehow I was able to handle it better after missing the other ones during the day. (Even the sitter said "she cries alot") So them more guilt came. I started to 'like' Lara. She was such an easy baby. She cried to be changed, cried to eat, other than that, she was happy. But I could also calm her quickly, not with Kristin though. And it frustrated me, because I felt like I neglected Lara to hold Kristin while she screamed. Lara seemed to only get attention when Bobby or someone else was around. And when someone came around and wanted to hold a baby, here hold Kristin. I felt like I never got to hold Lara. Then I had to hear my mother say, "I only ever see you hold Lara". Which I said, of course cause I never get to hold her, but you are holding Kristin so I can hold Lara now. OMG my mom noticed that I was crazy.... I felt even worse now. I mean I may 'like' Lara but Kristin still frustrated me ALOT. I was struggling. And I felt guilty. GUILTY. Did I say GUILTY? Cause that is a horrible thing to say. I liked one baby more than the other. Who does that? OMG, I am a horrible, ungrateful, piece of crap mother.

Slowly, it started. We only got up one time during the night. That made things slightly better. I still was attached to my best friend Medela Pump in Style. She was my friend. The whoosh, whoosh sound for 15 minutes, 8 times a day. But I wasn't going to quit giving them breast milk. NO matter how many people told me to stop. I wasn't a quitter and I was going to win. I think the endless hours of pumping may have added to the PPD. I felt attached to that damn pump. It was ALL I did. I lived in 3 hour segments of time. Pump. Wash the parts. Do stuff. Pump. Vicious cycle. But I did it. And I survived... barely sometimes.

The girls are up from their nap.... I will continue later, But I will leave you with the cutest pumpkins in the patch:

Part 2- My Story of PPD

2010-10-30T15:37:00.016-04:00

I thought coming home from the hospital would be what I needed. I needed out of the hospital where people were poking and pushing on my stomach and IF I was asleep, waking me up to take my temperature and blood pressure. I'd be at home, everything was going to be better at home, right? All I needed was my bed, my stuff, right? It would be better at home, right?

So as I was wheeled out of the hospital, we got alot of 'Oh twins' and 'Oh they are so beautiful, congrats'. I sat there smiling and said the "Yeah we are so lucky' 'thanks, we think they are beautiful too' But really I was thinking, "yeah you wouldn't think that if you had been in our room last night with 2 screaming babies last night.... all night'.

But I was going home. It would be better at home. It had to be better at home, Right?

I look back at the pictures of us getting home. Standing in front of the storks my mom ordered and taking pictures. I smiled and held them as we got pictures taken. But I was a fraud. I didn't want to hold them. I didn't want to be in those pictures. Those weren't really MY babies. I still felt nothing, I just wanted to run away. But I was too tired to run!

During the day, it was the same as in the hospital, people coming to see the babies. And still no sleep for me. Then everyone would leave and then hell would begin...

As Bobby and I settled into bed, one of them would start crying. In my head "damn it, what now?" I didn't have this desire to run and see what was wrong. I just wanted them to sleep and be quiet. Go to sleep! Damn! STOP crying! OMG! Then Bobby would change them and I would get settled in to nurse them and he'd lay back down and suddenly he would be snoring and they were suckling away and then I would sit there and cry. Tears streaming down my face. I didn't love them. I hated my husband. How can he sleep? If I had had something sharp by the bed, I probably would have done something to him. (That sounds crazy to even type, but I was SO angry) I wanted to sleep. I was tired of somebody constantly wanting something from me.

Then after an hour of nursing, they'd be done. I would lay them back in the bassinet and I'd lay down and I swear barely close my eyes and then BAM... one would be crying again. It was an hour later and hungry AGAIN! Fuck! Bobby would get up and change them and I settled in with the big huge nursing pillow and get them settled in and nursing and then the snoring starting and then my crying. Every hour was like this....

After my first night at home, Lyzz sent me a text: "Are you crying yet?" I read it and burst into tears, typed back "yes" and she called. Lyzz reassured me it was normal. Normal to cry for no reason? Really? Something couldn't be right about this. I called my sister who is a dr and she reassured me too that Yes it was normal and that it was the hormonal changes and the crying would stop and Yes she had cried too.

During the day, it wasn't as bad. Bobby's parents were there and somehow the girls slept more during the day. I could get a little nap. I would lay down to nap, but I could "hear" them. I could hear them making noises and crying. Yet they weren't making noises or crying. I was going crazy from the sleep deprivation.

One of those first few days, as I laid down to take a nap, Bobby was laying there with me and I was crying. He asked me why was I crying and what was wrong with me? I sheepishly said "I don't love them. I don' want to kiss them. I feel like a liar when I say I love them when people say how much I was in love, my boobs ached and felt all knotty like pearls under my skin and let's not even discuss my lady parts. My body is ruined" Bobby said to me that I was just tired and it was hard on me physically cause I had just had 2 babies and that I did love them, I just didn't know it. In my mind- noted. Don't tell Bobby anything else honestly. He started snoring and I laid there and cried...hearing them cry. I got up and came out in the living room. No one was here. Bobby's parents had taken the girls out in the backyard to sunbathe, with Kristin's jaundice we were suppose to expose her to sunlight. So I was literally hearing babies cry, that weren't there. Great I really am losing my shit. So what did I do? I cried some more.

As the days came and went like Groundhog Day, same day over and over. The girls were eating every 2 hours and taking an hour to eat. And I was lucky to get 45 mins of sleep at a time. Then it came time for Bobby to go back to work. Oh shit. Don't leave me alone with them. Not only was Bobby going back to work, but Lyzz had to go back too (Lyzz had taken her infant twins to the babysitter to come help me a couple of times). Now no one was home during the day to talk to me. GREAT.

The first morning when Bobby left to go to work. I cried. Shit, now what am I going to do? I could only have self pity so long. Cause of course one of the babies started. Damn it. I felt nothing when they cried except resentment. Their cries sounded like nails on the chalkboard to me. I just wanted it to stop. Stop damn it! Bobby's first day back to work, turned into 72 hours of him being gone. So I was alone with them for 3 days straight. No one to help me. No one here to help me keep what little bit of sanity that I had left, if I had any.

Then my friend Leanne called. Was Bobby home? No. Ok, good, I am bringing you dinner? have you eaten anything? No. Ok, I am coming.

Thank God. Had I eaten? When was the last time I ate? I don't know. Leanne has twins herself, she came in with food and demanded for me to shower and she "had it". Take a nap. Eat in peace. "I got it Courtney". I took a shower. I sat there with the water running over me and cried. I was losing my mind. I didn't have it together. God knew better, He had tried to tell me I wasn't going to be a good mom, so He was protecting the world from me having kids, and I messed with science. OMG what was wrong with me? I felt nothing for these babies that I had begged for, cried for, prayed for... after all I went through and I felt like this. What was wrong with me? I didn't want them. (Leanne actually came every night Bobby was at work, or she sent her mom who is best friends with my mom, I think now Leanne knew I was having a hard time, but she also knew about having infant twins)

Soon I noticed that Bobby was leaving earlier and earlier for work. He had to be there at 7:30 am. It takes 15-20 mins from our house to get there, but he would leave at 6 am, sometimes earlier like he was trying to be out of the house before they got up. I resented him. I wanted to get out of here too. I wanted to leave them so I could get some sleep. He napped at the fire station. He got full nights of sleep. And here I was, hadn't sleep in months. MONTHS. Even before they were born. And I hated his guts because of it. I was tired... and going crazy.

Then one night while Bobby was at work, it was 1 am and Kristin stopped wanting to nurse, she was screaming and not latching on. And throwing herself backwards. I was frustrated. She was frustrated. Both of us were crying. Just eat. Nope. She was screaming. Screaming. OMG shut up! OMG, stop! OMG I am going to lose it. She wouldn't stop to eat. Fuck, now Lara is crying. OMG. HELP! They were crying. I was crying. They were screaming. I started screaming "HELP ME. OMG, fucking help me" as loud as I could. I was screaming over and over. I stood in my bedroom and screamed. Something was wrong. This is not what a mother does.

I have to say. I NEVER wanted to hurt them. I never got to that point. But I would leave. I would put them down, and I would go outside. I would go out to our laundry room and I would scream at the top of my lungs. It is kind of amazing the police didn't come. Oh if they had, maybe they would take me away. Ah relief. I wanted to run away. In Brooke Shield's account she wanted to jump out of her apartment window. She said she wanted to kill herself. I never wanted to hurt myself. I just wanted to run away. I felt apathetic to the girls. I could careless. I wanted to run away. I felt nothing for them. I felt nothing but hatred and resentment towards my husband. I was SO tired and sad and this wasn't the way I envisioned motherhood. This SUCKED!

A few times, in the hazy fog of Groundhog days, I sat there staring, and I could hear the girls crying. I remember thinking, I wish someone would make that baby shut-up. I didn't get up, cause whatever was crying wasn't my business. I felt total apathy. I felt nothing. I was lifeless. Then it would hit me, oh shit those are my babies. But I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to get the hell out of dodge.

One morning at 6 am after he left. I sat there, pumping and feeding them in their boppies, watching the news. Overnight some lady had dropped off her baby at the hospital. The news reporter stated, you can take a newborn baby to any hospital, fire station, police station, no questions asked. YES! I could take them back. I perked up like I was in a cartoon. I could drop them off, and leave, and I would have 24 hours head start. No one would know I was gone. I could leave a note, so they knew I hadn't been killed or kidnapped, but had left on my own, by myself. I could be free. There was hope. Then I realized, Bobby would be mad at me. The girls would grow up and hate me. I was a horrible mother.

That was the low point. I thought I could leave my children and leave my husband and be ok. I am a horrible person... a horrible mother... a loser... worthless... a pathetic mess.

To be continued again....

Had I left, I would have missed this. And I refuse to miss a thing.

Down Came the Rain

2010-10-29T12:07:00.006-04:00

I have decided I need to get some things off my chest, something I feel compelled to write in light of many things that have happened to me or friends and because I feel like it isn't talked at all. Something that is spoken about quickly and just as quickly dismissed. Somethings in case you are looking for someone that feels the same as you do or did. And so you know, you are NOT alone!

My friend Lyzz gave me a book, well an audio book (we have twins, we don't have time to read a book, let alone go to the bathroom alone) called Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields. It is Shield's account of her postpartum depression after treatments to become pregnant. As I listened, I thought about me and my girls, and my struggle after they were born and my guilt and all that came with the birth of my girls. I thought alot....

I have said a few things, but I have only been slightly truthful and forthcoming with information. I have only been 100% openly honest with Lyzz. She has twins, she had PPD too, we have some sort of kindred spiritual connection. I have said a few things to others, but I felt like they judged me and although they meant well, I didn't think anyone could completely understand.

So if you read this part of my story and feel the need to be rude or leave a nasty comment, please keep it to yourself and don't feel the need to return to my blog. Thanks bye!

After deciding to have a baby, I thought, life will be great. I would be this excellent mother that I had heard that I would be from my mom and friends and others. My mom has said over and over that I should "have a dozen". I on the other hand, envisioned a sweet little baby, nestled all snug in my arms, swaddled and staring at me sweetly and babbling. I never once envisioned that baby would cry and scream and turn red. I imagined myself standing over the crib and looking down and drinking in the smell and sight of my little baby... this little baby that Bobby and I lovingly created.

Then it all faded... it started with miscarriage number 1. My innocence was taken. Some part of my naivety died that horrid day in October 3 years ago. I wondered why me? Why us? Crackheads have babies all the time, people neglected and abuse their kids and they have 6. Why us? I was mad, angry, sad and devastated. Then I pulled up my boot straps and I was going to get pregnant. After having the D&C, the dr told us we could try again. So we did. Then...

Miscarriage #2 less than 8 weeks from the first one. After waiting for 2 weeks, I had to have another D&C. Then dr told us we had "bad luck". Again, I was angry and hurt and grieving the loss of 2 babies I would never hold, see, or feel that soft baby cheek against mine.

Then after a few more cycles of trying, I got diagnosed with PCOS. That explained some. But with the diagnosis, came a wave of sadness. After the initial shock, I was going to get pregnant, damn it. I did everything the dr told me to do. I went on a diet and I was exercising and if I did that, I could have some Clomid. Ok. Done. After going through that, month after month, I started to get down. The anniversary of what should have been the due date of my first m/c came and went. Still not pregnant. Then the due date came of the 2nd m/c. Still not pregnant. Then I started feeling sadder and sadder. But I WAS going to get pregnant.

After going to the Jones Inst., and having some more treatments and surgery and feeling worse and worse about myself. Every month getting my hopes up for over 2 years now only to have myself knocked down back into reality with a pregnancy test that only had 1 line on it.

Then one beautiful cold Sunday morning, I peed. And since I had become so use to seeing 1 line of the pregnancy test, I walked off and started cleaning the house. I knew I wasn't pregnant, so why bother. I don't even know how much later, I came back to the bathroom and there lying on the counter was a faint second blue line on the pregnancy test. And my world went crazy. I realized, I wasn't sure if that was really a line. I mean was it really, or was I seeing it. Then OMG I don't have to pee. But I had to. I mean was this real? So I got a paper cup and squeezed out as much pee as I could so I could dip the 1 digital pregnancy test I have been saving for months to pee on once I knew I was pregnant. But this was an emergency... was it a second blue line or not? After that 2 minutes of the little sand timer spinning on the CBE digital... "pregnant".

I cried and prayed and cried and sang Christmas carols as I drove to the fire station to tell Bobby. Getting pulled over for speeding on the way (luckily I whipped out my freshly peed on HPT and showed it to the cop, who let me off with a talking to). I was happy, scared, ecstatic, scared....

Then after a few scary weeks of HCG levels not doubling and spotting and all. 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, TWINS! Yes we won the baby lotto! Not only was I pregnant, but now it was twins, we would never have to go through all of this again. Life was going to be good!

I had a seemingly unexciting pregnancy, minus the carpal tunnel and possible 1 placenta that the u/s tech decided to scare me with. So all should be good, my wish was coming true.

Then August 8, 2009, I walked into the hospital to be induced at 37 weeks 5 days. After a pretty boring labor, I had my girls. I should have known something was wrong with me from the moment Kristin was born. Dr M put her on my stomach and I cringed. OMG she was bloody and had some nasty stuff on her and they told me to touch her. Ughhhh... I just wanted her off of me. Then when Lara was born, Dr M put her up on my belly too. OMG stop! After I was grossed out the first time, you would have thought he wouldn't have done it again. But I was just as grossed out on round 2! Please wash these babies up.

So here I was... mommy to twins. I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I didn't feel like myself. I just wanted to be alone. I just remember the nurse and Bobby smiling from ear to ear with my mom and his parents in tow rolling in the bassinets with the girls into my PP room. And right then and there I could have run. I was scared shitless. Didn't they know I wasn't old enough or something to have a baby, let alone two? Something was wrong here. But they handed them to me, feed them. WHAT? Oh yeah. I am going to breastfeed. And I sat there feeling weird and looking at this babies. And wondering why they were so foreign to me.

I didn't see this:

And I felt like this:

I wasn't myself. I felt like a fraud. I didn't know what I was doing. I wondered what the hell Bobby and I were thinking, why did we decide to have a baby? Why is he so in love with them? What's wrong with me? I was upset. I felt nothing. Nothing. I didn't have this overwhelming love that everyone said I would have. I didn't have a desire to sit there and stare at them. In fact, I was actually a little pissed at Bobby for not letting me send them to the nursery so we could get some rest. Instead, I sat there, listening to him snore and these creatures that made all kinds of noises and I felt... weird. They were alien to me. I didn't know them. I was fascinated that they came out of my body, that they had grown in there, but I had no attachment to them. Nothing.

I sat there and cried. This wasn't the motherhood I had planned for. This wasn't what I envisioned. Nothing like I imagined.

The hospital stay was a whirlwind. People coming and going. 2 babies constantly crying at night. Daytime, people were visiting and kissing all over these babies. And then there was me, sitting there in my bed, having this outer body experience. This wasn't real. And no one seemed to notice. Thank God, no one was paying attention to me.

36 hours after they were born, I was in tears yelling at Bobby in the middle of the night. Saying wtf had we done? Why couldn't we get them quiet? What else could we do? Bobby went and got the nurse, she said she could take them to the nursery but bring them back when they needed to be fed and Bobby was all "hell no or I will have to go be with them, we can't let them be down there". I wanted them to go, but with tears, I agreed to let them stay. I resented him. I resented them. I was tired. I needed sleep. I felt nothing... for anyone.

Then Lyzz came. She said to me "if you don't feel an overwhelming love right now, it's ok". But I couldn't say anything, she would think I was weird, besides, it is cause I am so tired, right? I told her about Bobby going home to take a nap... you know cause he was tired and all. And she knew something was going wrong, I was angry at him. Little did she know.

Dr M came to see me and do his check before I could leave. And I wanted to leave. Just no one knew I wanted to go alone. I just wanted to be alone. But then I felt so guilty for feeling like I needed to escape. Guilt. Sadness. No overwhelming love. And a flabby ruined body.

We came home and then it began....

That's all I can do tonight. This is hard. This is hard for me to admit. Makes me feel guilty. I am reliving this nightmare, this nightmare that I want to close the door on and not relive, let alone talk about or admit to.

So I will leave you with my sweet girls:

To be continued....

Peas and Carrots

2010-10-23T22:31:00.009-04:00

So before I get into my stuff... Here's some pictures of my little peas and carrots!

Can't remember what Kristin was eating... but she wanted everyone to see I guess.

Serious Kristin

Up close and personal Lara

So what's going on here... well, alot. These past few weeks have just been hell for me. I have just been busy, still hate going to work, and I had 2 friends lose a baby. My friend/ sitter Andrea went in for her OB appt at 10 wks and had a sac but no baby. Heartbreaking. That just sucks. Then another fellow IFer, Hokie alumni, blogger, Lindsay had a devastating accident and lost one of her twins, Lucas. It has really bothered me and I have never even met her... I found out about both of these losses on the 3rd anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. It certainly made this year's harder for me. Please keep them both in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks.

Well, as I promised Amy this is the current discussion going on in my home.

Baby #3.... to TTC or Not to TTC... that is the question....

Here's where we stand:

Bobby is a firm NO! Courtney is a "well, *ahem cough* maybe"...

How did I get here? I don't even know. If you had asked me a year ago, you would have gotten a VERY firm NO.. bordering on a possible Hell No, and if it was a bad day, a Hell Effing No! So I still don't know how we got to this conversation, but something has happened. No, I have NOT forgotten the Carpal Tunnel while pregnant or the Acid reflux or the Carpal Tunnel or the nausea or gaining a ton of weight or the Carpal Tunnel or the peeing or Carpal Tunnel or the vomiting and did I mention the Carpal Tunnel? Yes I remember all of that... even the carpal tunnel, which is enough to make me think that I am crazy and should check myself in to the closest hospital for a mental evaluation. But somehow it seems worth it.. yes I think it is possible I am crazy.

I also have not forgotten the colic baby or the newborn twin hell or the hours of crying (Kristin and me) or my Postpartum Depression (which I am now realizing I should have admitted a year ago that I had and another post sometime later) or my thoughts that I was losing my mind and how did this happen to me and the crying of my colic baby and me hearing voices/babies crying constantly, and the sleep deprivation... Nope, I have not forgotten any of it, but somehow now... it just doesn't seem as bad. I mean, now I know that I will survive and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Oh I remember being in the throes of having a colic baby, twin newborns, no husband support hell and SLEEP DEPRIVATION for basically a year... I remember WELL! But yet, I am willing to do it again. I guess this is why the human race did not end thousands of years ago, cause somehow, we as women forget the horrid details of pregnancy and childbirth and are willing to do it again.

And yes, I remember giving birth and (this is hard to admit) pooping in front of at least 30 people (ok, maybe realistically it was only 8, but when you are up in the stirrups pushing and you are pooping in someones face,I don't care if most- if not all women do it, I shit in some man's face, it is somehow the most disgusting thing ever and I will never forget that) while pushing and then feeling my hoo-ha after having them when I was in the shower and cleaning myself and thinking "Ummm... I don't think this is the way it was before". Nope, it wasn't. But somehow, that doesn't matter either. Cause it is worth it in the end.

Looking at my flabby, saggy, stretched marked to hell, wrinkly, loose skin, ripped abdominal muscles belly.... somehow it was worth it.

Bobby and I have discussed this at length... along with the money thing. Of course another baby means money and being in the careers we are in, neither of us will be millionaires or make huge money, so that means, well you know what it means. Bobby has been very adamant that he does not want another baby and that he doesn't want to even "try" for a boy, but will do it if it "makes me happy". I was a little shocked, he is such a guy's guy. I would have thought he'd want a little boy to do "guy stuff" with. He said 'everything I do is to make you happy, so if you want another baby, I will try'. He also thinks it is because my friends are having babies like Kate and some others.

He also said he would rather try now and not wait. I want to wait, besides I waited an extra year for him to even try the first time so I think waiting another 8 months is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. I have a "plan" for when I want to ttc again. Yeah yeah, I know we are "infertile" so I know I should take that into consideration, but whatever, I have a plan anyway. Wanna hear it:

I want to wait til school lets out, try for about 6 months, NO treatments (which means only 1 baby, right?), just Metformin and Progesterone (I need both I think) and if nothing, then it just wasn't meant to be. Sell the baby stuff and all the maternity stuff and know that we tried and it just wasn't in the cards for us. Done deal.

Just hoping that I can stick to my plan. However, I still have to get Bobby on board, he's the carrots to my peas. Plus, I still waiver some, sometimes I think I am crazy (ok I know I am crazy) and I will be severely outnumbered when Bobby is gone to work. Plus things are made for families of 4, like Disney vacations. Maybe I should just be happy with my 2 girls and call it done. But......

My Pumpkins

2010-10-10T21:10:00.004-04:00

We went to a Fall Festival and our little pumpkins picked out the pumpkins for our house:

Kristin was more interested in the straw than the pumpkins

Lara enjoyed playing on, with, around, whatever with the pumpkins

I got my wish....

2010-10-05T12:05:00.004-04:00

2 years ago, I blew out my birthday candles and I wished for a healthy baby. I guess I must have wished and prayed for it alot cause I got 2 beautiful babies instead...

Yesterday, I went to blow out my candles and realized I had received my wish. So I wished for... can't tell or it won't come true.

Go Hokies Go! Kristin even claps as I cheer... I will get a cheerleader in this pair if it is the last thing I do!

Lara loves to ride the push car and push herself backwards right into the entertainment center!

If you didn't get my Mommy a birthday present, I will attack you with my spaghetti covered hands!

**I guess I should have wrote this last year. But last year I was in the throes of Colic hell and newborn twins with no real hubby support since he was busy building the girls their playroom which is still being built. Exhibit A- first picture of the girls, you can see Bobby standing on the ladder STILL building the playroom!! Today getting shingles on the roof, so we are moving in the right direction! After a major leak occurred with the 20 inches of rain we got last week! AGGGGGHHHH more money... more time. Whatevahs!

I could have a passel!

2010-09-22T12:53:00.002-04:00

Last week in the bath tub Lara just reached over and kissed Kristin:

Last night Kristin hugged and kissed Lara:

OMG they melt my heart. It brought tears to my eyes, as they were holding hands and talking and laughing with each other, I felt a little left out. I figure that will be what happens when they are 13 and I am no longer cool.

I keep getting things from WTE that says that your baby enjoys side by side play but really isn't interacting with other babies. They don't send much (or anything) in the way of having twins, but I am guessing that multiples makes the side by side play null and void. Mine play together. They want to be near each other. The exchange food, sippies, etc... they also fight over toys, food, sippies, toothbrushes etc. They must love each other, right? As you can see they do alot together like climbing onto the couch to look out the window:

Or have Lara pass Kristin the toys as Kristin sits/stands on the coffee table:

Watching them grow makes my heart ache. They are so cute with each other. Makes the baby bug bite....kinda.

**I get lucky with pics since I carry the camera or my phone wiht me and luckily, they kissed on each other a few times, so I got the pic and a video, but in the video they show more of them "bare"... and I don't want some nasty child mole.ster to be looking at my kids, so no video, sorry.

Sneak Peak

2010-09-16T20:56:00.003-04:00

at their Halloween costumes:

My little Strawberry Fairies! OMG I could eat them up!

I knew I would love them... just never knew that I would love them this much!

Lara has started taking 5-7 steps at a time. But when she falls, that's it, she is done and then she crawls!

Both girls crack me up with "where's your belly?" and them patting their bellies and laughing as they do it. Working on getting them to pat their heads consistently. They both blow me kisses! I love it!

PS. Can they stay just like this forever? PLEASE! Purtty Please? With a strawberry on top???

My new life...

2010-09-06T14:20:00.007-04:00

So a year after my children were born my life has changed dramatically. I know you must be thinking... yeah having a kid(s) does that. But I mean things have severely changed for me. Here's how things have changed in no particular order:

1. Sleeping in on the weekends means maybe to 7:30 (sometimes later if it is a good morning)

2. Eating in 5 minutes (no wonder I am still fat)

3. Not going out on Friday or Saturday nights (and I don't even care, I'd rather be at home anyway)

4. Wanting to make my girls "stop" right at the age they are (I have done this a few times in their mere 1 year of life thus far)

5. I don't even know if I brush my hair somedays...and once again I don't care if I did or didn't

6. I'd rather buy something for them than me.

7. Sometimes I go in their room at night and look at them while they sleep and wonder how I made something that is THAT cute and if it is possible to love them any more than I do.

8. I find myself wondering how I thought I was "tired" before!

9. I say "No", "Sit down please, we don't stand in the tub" and "we don't throw our food on the floor" at least 200 times a day. Along with other phrases like 'Say thank you mommy'

10. An "adventure" is going to Target close to nap time!

11. Going out by myself to Target (after I put the girls to bed and Bobby is home) is "alone time"

12. That I am pissed M-F when I leave my house to go to work with someone else watching my kids (that includes Bobby watching them, I don't like it)

And I know that isn't all, but this is the shocking one for me:

I WANT to be a SAHM, well part time. I only want to work like 10 hours a week but get a full paycheck like I do now.

I know everyone's life changes "after baby". But I never in a million years thought I'd ever want to be a SAHM. But I do. I like being at home with them. I want to keep doing all those fun things I did all summer long with them. I want to keep going on "play dates" and watching them discover the world.

I DON'T want to go back to work at school. I want to be at home.

Anyone know of a job where I work minimal hours but get a full-time paycheck and all?

Interesting things around here:

Lara yells 'Krit-tin" (OMG I could eat them up)
They both climb onto the couch and anything they can (the hearth as well where it is fun to sit and push all the toys and books off, See pictures below)
They "talk" all the time and then laugh (probably at me)
They hold hands and share food from their highchairs (Once again, freaking adorable)

Here's some pictures cause I think they are the cutest bay-bays evah!

Kristin in her "If you think I am cute you should see my twin sister" outfit

The world looks better upside down!

Lara is going to be the next Dolce and Gabbana... she loves clothes

Lara's twin sister "rocks"

** Note: 3 of the 4 pictures are on the "baby proofed hearth" where they play etc. as if they don't have an overabudance of toys!

Birthday Extravaganza!

2010-08-16T11:29:00.004-04:00

I know 2 posts in one day! But there was so much going on!

Starters, dr appt:

Kristin is 18 lbs 1 oz (10th) and 28 1/8 in (10th)
Lara is 16 lbs 7 oz (less than 3rd) and 27 1/2 in (5-10th)

Dr said they are healthy and doing good. They had mastered the 12 month milestones and most of the 15 month milestones. Geniuses! The vaccines though were rough, I am upset they left such bruises on their arms. Poor bay-bays!

Party weekend! We had alot of company and a house full. The birthday theme was "2 Peas in a Pod". I LOVED it and I only get to pick 2 birthday themes and I want to cherish my twins and play in the "twin" aspect until they won't let me anymore. Which will come I am sure! But they will always be "my twins". So here's some pictures from their party.

Presents are fun to open and play with, but they are tasty too!

Their cake:

Before:

After:

Oh mommy, I feel sick!

A good time was had by all!

Birthday Twincesses!

2010-08-16T10:53:00.004-04:00

My girls are 1!!!I can hardly believe it and then in other ways I feel like I am 10 years older since they were born!

We had their 1st birthday pictures taken. And since they are just so damn cute, we bought the CD with the copyright cause we always spend SO much and TOO much money on their pictures. But they will only be babies once and they are just TOO damn cute! Which I know I am biased, BUT they stopped traffic in the mall while getting these pictures done. People stopped and watched and I could see them saying "OMG they are SO cute" and "Oh how cute"! Well yeah!

Of course we got "Are they twins?" Nope they aren't, idiot, they are 4 months apart. I know they aren't identical but ummm... really? Are people that dumb? I already know that answer. Anyway, without further ado....

Aren't they the cutest things? OMG I am in love!

Happy Birthday Kristin and Lara!

2010-08-09T14:32:00.004-04:00

August 8, 2009, I walked into the hospital empty handed that morning. I left 2 days later, tired and sore, and definitely not empty handed! I never have told my birth story, however, in comparison to other people, mine was just "uneventful" in the grand scheme of things.

I went into the hospital and it had been full of women and deliveries for days. I got checked in and changed into the gown and sat and waited over an hour for someone to come in. Dr M showed up, asked why wasn't I on an IV let alone, why wasn't the pitocin started? He walked out and 30 seconds later 3 nurses were in my room (did I ever mention Dr M is on the board of directors at my hospital?). I quickly got hooked up to an IV and Dr M broke baby A's water (aka Kristin) and I was 4.5 cm dilated and 60% effaced. He left and pitocin started. I never said I would be a brave woman, I asked at check in for my epidural! Which with twins I think they were going to make me have it anyway, but I WANTED it from the get go, knew that before I even got pregnant! The anaesthesiologist was in a c-section and they told me I would have to wait for her to come out. Ok. About an hour later I REALLY wanted the epidural, as I was definitely in labor, plus I am a bit of a wuss and I don't like pain. I had to wait for another c-sec, are you kidding me? They gave me something to take the "edge" off. Anyway, I swear as soon as I got that, the dr was in to do the epidural. I could have care less, I knew she would be my friend. I saw Bobby's face when he saw the needle and his "PLEASE don't move Courtney, PLEASE". I didn't and I got the epidural. I did sit up and felt funny but they "fixed" it and I relaxed and well... fell asleep. I slept for several hours (not sure how long, I was sleeping after all). I know Bobby and my mom ate some Subway and it smelled really good. Other than that, I was OUT! I woke up and said "I think I am going to be sick" and sick I was. They cleaned me and the floor up and the nurse said let me check you. She did and asked did I feel that? Feel what exactly I am not sure, but I thought I felt the catheter. Apparently not, it was time to push. So off she went to call Dr M to come back and get the OR set up.

He got there and I was in the OR and basically he said "Push" and what type of music did I want to listen to. So we listened to some Dave Matthews. I pushed and pushed and 2 hours to the minute out came Kristin at 5:30 pm. Bobby cried and was unable to cut the cord for her. She got cleaned up as Dr M "turned" baby B (aka Lara) and did an u/s to make sure she was in place and broke her water and told me to push. Bobby held Kristin in his arms and since I hadn't said anything since I said I wanted to listen to Dave Matthews, and for anyone that knows me, not talking is HARD for me. I "think" I said "I need a break" Dr M gave me 2 contractions and then I was told to push. I did and 49 minutes after my first child was born, Lara was born at 6:19. Bobby did cut the cord on Lara. That's pretty much it. I did it all by myself with my friend the epidural! I had a second/third degree tear and got some stitches. But other than that, nothing to exciting, I am one of the few that I know of that has vaginally delivered twins. I am woman hear me ROAR!

So here we are a year later- my babies are a year old! This is them at a wedding last weekend. It sucked but they were cute, of course!

If you look close you can see the grass Kristin and Lara were pulling up by the handfulls and putting in the chairs! Hehe!

Lara playing on her "Mum Mum"s jazzy wheelchair!

Kristin walking on the beach!

Lara playing on the beach in between bites of sand! YUCK!

We went to a wedding and then came home for 2 hours and left and drove down to the Outer Banks for a week of vacation at the beach. They had their first birthday at the beach! Now we are home and getting ready for their first birthday bash! I'll post pictures of their party after our company leaves!

Kristin is "walking". I guess that's what you call it. She walks and when she falls gets back up. If she wants to get somewhere fast she still crawls! She is pointing and nodding yes. Started saying "de de" to call Bobby.

Lara is starting to let go and make moves towards "walking". She studies stuff alot more and spends time figuring out toys and how things work. When I watch her sometimes, it is like I can see her little "wheels turning" as she tries to get things to work. She "reads" her books and "talks" about whatever it is she is saying. I just say "Oh you think so" or "Oh really. Then what happened" and she keeps on going. She is like me, I guess! I forsee lots of report cards with "She talks too much during class/instruction" Hmmm... I remember seeing some of those in my days from Kindergarten to my senior year.

So one year down... I can't believe they are a year old! My babies! They'll always be my babies! I'll post their weights and heights after their appt this week with their birthday party pics!

11 months 2 weeks and 3 days later...

2010-07-25T20:10:00.004-04:00

So here we are. The best two things in my life entered my life just a short 11 months 2 weeks and 3 days ago. If I had to pick a theme song it would be the song by Boys like Girls "Two is better than One." I know the song is about a couple, but minus a few things in the song, it fits me and my girls. Cause like the song says "I can't live without you" and "there's so much time to figure out the rest of my life, but I already figured out, 2 is better than one". I can't imagine having one without the other. And even though last August in the newborn hell of twins and colic and postpartum depression, I survived and they did too and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

This summer I thought I would blog more, but.. yeah, I wonder why. My life focuses around feeding and naps and playtime. And occasionally I have managed to snap a few pictures of my angels. I wish I could get videos on here... cause if you want to know what heaven sounds like, then I will tell you, it is the sounds coming out of my bay-bays mouths. They have the voices of angels (when they aren't crying)!

Anyway...here we are on a "date" again with my bud and her twins. I have a hard time getting them to sit still long enough to get a picture with them both in it. Notice I got the girls some shoes for their botanical gardens splashing fun- they have small feet. They wear 3-6 month size shoes (can't say much I did wear a 5.5-6 until I was pregnant).

Kristin did not want to get her picture taken, she was trying to get up and be gone!

OMG I love this picture! Kristin looks like such an innocent angel!

Kristin has figured out how to crawl in and out of the bumbo seat! Totally cracks herself up in it! They haven't sat in those seats in months, but I pulled it out to feed my niece and now Kristin plays in it.

Lara was pulling apart diapers. I said "Lara Anne" and then she looked at me like this... how could I be mad anymore? Angels... I tell you... Angels!

This was today... Lara sat there for at least 15 minutes "reading" that book. She turned the pages and "read" out loud! At the end she did "So Big" and I got the picture!

So goals:

11 lbs lost... wish it was more. I guess I didn't gain overnight, wish it went away overnight!

Still have pacis as you can see from the pictures- haven't even tried to take them yet.

New fun "tricks":

1. Girls give me "high 5"
2. They say "ah" after chugging off of their sippy cups
3. Kristin constantly practices walking.. she will be walking...soon..probably before I get another post up! LOL
4. Lara will give you a kiss (with a little tongue...yuck) and does a "muah" sound!
5. They also take their hand and go over their mouth and do "ah ah ah" (which is not a PC term) but like I did when I was little playing 'Indian'.

Summer of changing is causing "change"

2010-07-07T15:21:00.005-04:00

The "Summer of Change" is going strong here at the house. And since we are doing change we have all kinds of change going on with the twins. Such as.....

Learning how to use the basket and toys to get up onto the coffee table and

Flushing the potty (maybe this will come in handy next summer with the potty training goal I have already set)

As well as drinking "bottles" out of our sippies! Yes!

Kristin and her 4th of July sippy!

Lara and her 4th of July sippy!

So 2 "goals" done- I am "off the pump" and feeling good about having that time back!Girls drinking all drinks from a sippy ALL day! Even the "nite nite" bottle was gone on the 3rd- they took the sippy cup before bed and I washed the bottles and we are D-O-N-E with bottles!

I am still doing South Beach- a little disappointed with losing only 7 lbs in 2 weeks. I did SO much better the first time and I PROMISE I haven't "cheated" at all- not even once. I have set a goal to exercise 4 times a week. So far I have met that goal too, and I have found if I do it right after I fed the girls lunch, they will play and I can do my 35 mins of aerobic activity and a few sit-ups. I am "lucky" to get that time of exercise so I don't know what more I can do. Just frustrating... it is SO much easier to gain weight than to lose. I HATE PCOS!

Can't believe they will be 11 months old tomorrow! My babies aren't "baby babies" anymore... makes me sad...kinda.

Summer of change has commenced

2010-07-01T21:51:00.006-04:00

School is out for summer! YAY!

I have made a "To Do List of Changes" for the summer:

1. Get off the pump. I have enough frozen milk in the deep freezer to last them for MONTHS. My deadline was July 1st to be pump-free. I am proud to say, I have not pumped since June 28th at 10am... boobs hurt but I am glad to not be tied to that thing every 3-4 hrs everyday. I am glad I did it for the girls' health... and for our wallets. I can check this off as DONE!

2. Get my fat ass on South Beach Diet and lose the 35lb I have left from being pregnant (started June 21st with some pals and family). I am 7 lbs down so far. I need to step up on the exercising though...need more hours in the day. 28lbs more to go!

3. Get the girls off bottles and onto sippy cups all day! I am ready to be done with washing bottles too! They LOVE to eat and I swear they eat ALL day! Getting onto sippies with milk will be awesome!

4. Break the paci habit- if we can, this is the least of my concerns right now, but I want to do it sooner than later.

Today my family went with my good friend and her twins to the Botanical Gardens. Compared to the 100 degree weather here lately, the 80 degree day was BEAUTIFUL! It was fun. Here are some pics of the girls having fun in the little kiddie water area. (FYI- they are required to wear shoes at all times- the girls don't have sandals/shoes for that so they wore socks)

Aren't they cute?

Kristin was content to sit and play with the water coming up out of the fountain. She just splashed and played. She has turned from such a colicky, fussy baby to such a happy, laughing baby.

Lara was ALL over the place. She crawled through all the fountains and
"played" with the bigger kids. She had NO fear.... not sure how I will deal with this in the years to come.

As summer progresses, I will let you know how the "Summer of Change" is going!

Oh, their birthday party supplies came today! I am SO excited to plan the party... I will save that for another blog though so you'll have to wait to hear the "theme". To be continued.....

Fun times

2010-06-09T22:43:00.003-04:00

I come up with some nice blogs in my head. Do I ever write them... ummm... not so much. Someday. I won't promise but just maybe.

Here's some pictures of the girls in the last few days. They are 10 months old! I can hardly believe it!

After a good meal of sweet potato fries, roasted zucchini and squash, and chicken. They were all smiles and playful. Who isn't on a full belly?

Gonna getcha Mommy!

Hey Soul Sista! Whatcha doin over there?

Kristin squealing in the bathtub!

Lara splashing her sister!

Lots of cruising and moving going on here.

And lastly...

I miss you Reese ALOT! Not a day goes by that I don't think of you! Love ya pup!

Sorry, but I feel like if I put it out in blog sphere he'll know somehow. Just missing my dog alot right now.

4,000

2010-05-23T08:27:00.003-04:00

Used Diapers! Well... roughly. I have kept a "count"- the boxes have uneven numbers like 204, I just count that as 200. So we have used 4,000 diapers so far not counting the diapers in the hospital and the "left overs" people gave me in size NB and 1. Cause I didn't think to add those in when I decided to keep count for a year!
9 1/2 months old yesterday and I consider myself a "Master of the Diaper" cause I have changed an ass load of diapers!

Now that Lara is doing a "baby lock jaw" and not accepting spoon feeding/baby foods. Here are some pics of my girls getting their grub on! As you can see they shovel it in by the fistful!

Kristin loves zucchini!

Lara does too!

This is them taking turns riding the pony that they start cracking up as soon as you set them on it!

"Oh baby"

2010-05-19T12:27:00.004-04:00

Or "Oh babies" in my case

We had the girls' pictures taken again... I spent WAY TOO much AGAIN! But damn, they are SO cute I can't help it! I went in only planning on spending a certain amount and came out spending twice that- as usual! I can't help it! They are changing so fast and they won't be "babies" much longer!

The place we take them to get their pictures done is awesome. This lady made some weird noises and Kristin wasn't too sure and made "my" wth face. Even I couldn't tell if Lara was about to laugh or cry. But then I said hold on let me get them to smile and voila!

I love this one of Kristin cause she was cracking up!

Kristin has the WTH face here but they are still so cute!

These are actual individual pictures of them, but in order to get the picture of the picture to come out right I had to put them together, in my pictures their dresses aren't cut off.

Kristin lifted up in the "airplane"

Lara in the "airplane"

I just can't believe how fast they are growing! It is going by in a blur!

The past few days Lara does "baby lock jaw" and refuses to open her mouth for spoon feedings. So I decided to try letting them feed themselves more than just cheese and Cheerios and goldfish and Gerber snacks, I cooked up some zucchini thinking I would have a few days worth but NOPE, they ate it all in one feeding!

Little new milestones:

Kristin is cruising like crazy! She moves all the way around the room holding on to the furniture. She even turns from the love seat and takes one to two "steps" not holding on until she gets her little hands on the coffee table! Dear God! Help me!! I can't believe my little baby is going to walk sooner rather than later! She plays "So big" with me (which is raising her hands up over her head). She also bounces and dances (I guess that's what she is doing).

Lara is pulling up on everything! She has learned how to get up but getting down isn't as easy for her yet! She claps her hands and I swear it sounds like she is saying "YAY" (cause that's what I do). Lara and Kristin's cribs are down one wall in their room and they met now and reach over to each other and cry and hold hands! So cute... even if they are crying! I got to get a picture!

Whenever I am having fun someone has to...

2010-05-12T22:21:00.003-04:00

Poop in the tub!

Every time we are having fun in the tub and everyone is all in a good mood and playing- someone (usually Lara) poops in the tub! And EVERY time I am taking pictures of the girls splashing and laughing and do little videos with the camera and then I see a red face and poop. (Yes that is my tub and yes I had to scrub down both bath seats and baby toys and all)! How come they don't poop in the tub when Bobby is home?

Took the girls for their 9 month check up today-

Kristin is 26 1/2 inches (10th) and 15 lbs and 4 oz (5th)

Lara is 26 inches (5th) and 14 lbs and 9 oz (less than 3rd)

My little petite babies! Dr said they were nice and healthy and everything looked good.

This weekend

2010-05-09T22:15:00.002-04:00

I am alive. I am just not as good at this blogging thing as I am constantly wiping honeys, washing babies, getting snot off cute little faces with my shirt, pumping (yep still pumping... can't say I will be sorry to stop that)or doing something for others. But anyway... We went to Bobby's parents this weekend and the girls go to

Swim for the 1st time! Aren't they cutey-patooties!?!?

I love their little sunglasses.

And we had the girls christened. It was a beautiful day and we had the ceremony in Bobby's parents garden that they had built after his sister's life was cut short defending our nation. There was some cool things that happened during the day that day. As I was getting dressed, I found 2 of Reese's dog hairs in my travel jewelry pouch (damn I miss that dog, but he managed to be with me). During the ceremony 2 butterflies flew through... my dad and Bobby's sister ... perhaps?? I guess you could say it was coincidental. I choose to believe it wasn't.. cause I like to feel that spirits can be with us on important days.

And of course today was my 1st Mother's day. It was a beautiful day. Bobby and the girls gave me a beautiful set of earrings (I LOVE jewelry). And I consider myself to be lucky. In the back of my head, for a moment, I thought this should have been my 3rd Mother's day. But it was my first. It is weird for me. 2 years ago I should have had a brand new baby on Cinco de Mayo 2008. But May of 2008 I was dealing with HUGE cysts from Clomid and I wasn't getting pregnant instead and I was pissed. And here it is May 2010 and I have been through alot and I have two beautiful girls so why should I think of what could have been? Cause I am super lucky to have what I have. I am lucky. I am happy. I am a Mommy!

Happy Mother's Day to my mommy followers, and the mommies- to- be and those that are going to be mommies in the future.

OMG I just previewed before I hit publish and OMG I look like a big fat purple people eater! WTH? Ugghhh... I've got to do something. Can you do South Beach while breastfeeding? I look like Barney! BLAH! I am going to go throw up my dinner now!

Time flies...

2010-04-12T13:36:00.003-04:00

when you are sleep deprived, when you are chasing after twins crawling/scooting, when you are exhausted... time just goes SO fast! I want it to slow down some so I can enjoy these babies, while they are babies. I keep hearing "The next thing you'll know they'll be in college" WHAT?

So this past month:

Kristin is an expert crawler which has advanced to pulling up VERY quickly after crawling (I mean within days of crawling), to now she even "cruises" a few steps! Dear God, child slow your roll! She also said "mama" on Saturday! OMG she melted my heart! Kristin is our advanced child physically... she does everything physical about a month or more ahead of Lara.

Lara is an expert scooter- crawling ummm... not so much, that's too much effort for her- she says "I get around just fine on my belly thank you very much, mama!" She talks and talks and talks. And she was the first to melt my heart into a little puddle of mush by saying "mama" Lara is our advanced child socially. She gives kisses to us, her baby dolls, she does all the social stuff ahead of Kristin.

The one thing they agree on-

They LOVE to eat! They eat veggies with a smile and fruit... hmmm.. they make a face but then decide "well it is food so hey might as well eat it". They are just like me!

They are 8 months old now! How did this happen? I don't know myself!

We had these pics taken the other day (shhhh, don't tell on me)! They are pics of pics so they aren't the best but you can see how cute my bay-bays are!

Kristin

Lara

So sorry it takes me so long- but I am busy busy busy! Trying to enjoy them so I won't regret "missing" out on them being babies.

Oh, I keep dreaming I am pregnant... what do you think that means???

7 months old already!

2010-03-11T21:01:00.004-05:00

The girls are 7 months old! I can't believe it! We got scooting and crawling and teething

and standing up when they are propped up! Things are crazy!

Taking a stroll in our new side by side stroller. They held hands and looked at each other! So darn cute!

Oh and Lara doesn't like fruit! What kid doesn't like fruit? My kids prefer squash and zucchini! I'm confused by that!I guess it won't last long!

I've got to remember....

2010-03-02T10:21:00.009-05:00

So last night, once again, I cried myself to sleep cause I miss Reese (yes, I am still talking about my doggy):

That's my Reese when he was just a little guy.

It sucks being "alone". I know he was hard of hearing, but IF someone had tried to break in or hurt me or the girls, I think Reese would have died trying to protect us or at the very least he might have shit on the floor and at least the smell would have made them gag and then I could have hit them over the head with the phone or a rattle or something. He was trained when he was a pup and although we hadn't never needed it (Thank God)I guess he never forgot how to do it. Nighttime is the loneliest time for me. After I put the girls to bed- most nights it was just Reese and me. That's when I got to have time with him. Usually me feeding him some snacks and just giving him some good ole loving pets or talking to him cause I really forgot sometimes that he was a "dog". But now, I don't have anyone following me around and it sucks. I miss him.

And then this morning, I went into the nursery and I saw both girls laying there in their cribs and my eyes welled up with tears. I just stopped in my tracks and thought about my life.

I have so much- I have a roof over my head... I have a husband who thinks I am "sexy" (so he told me) even though I still look pregnant.. we don't lack for anything (except for time) ... I have a great family (mine and Bobby's).. I have a job (even though some days it is all I can do to survive there too).. I have more than alot of people.

But most of all I have Kristin and Lara

Kristin sitting up during bathtub- this is new- just started this week.

Lara- my little splasher- she soaked me, the rugs, the tile floor, the walls, the cabinets- this too started this week.

Even though it has been alot of ups and downs to get to where I am today-
I've got to remember- I am very fortunate!

My First Award

2010-02-27T20:24:00.008-05:00

I have never received a blogging award.. probably cause I don't really deserve one. BUT

THANKS Kate! You know I think you are awesome! And more than once- my voice of sanity!

Here are the rules for the award:
Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
Copy the award and paste it to your blog.
Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.
Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

Now interesting facts about myself... hmmm... Don't know if these are actual interesting facts or not, but here goes....

1. I met Bobby at a house warming party that I almost didn't go to but did cause my best friend was working and I didn't feel like staying at home on a Saturday night by myself on my first night off in years working at a restaurant. He was there to met up with his "girlfriend", but oops she showed up with another guy. Bobby broke up with her at the party, which I didn't find out about for a long time after we started dating. I really did ask him to hand me a beer out of the fridge and then I spent the rest of the night talking to him. And then 2 couples set up a "get together" for us to see each other again and he asked me out- the rest is history, I guess. On our first date Bobby tried to end our date early and take me home.. not to his house but home. He said it wasn't going to work out. I asked him for another chance to make it right and to take me out for a drink. He could turn left to take me home or right and go to the bar. He turned right. So now when we argue I always say "You should have turned left, huh?"

2. We bought the house my mom grew up after my grandparents passed away (within 3 months of each other after 65 years of marriage) from my mom and aunt. I often feel my grandparents here. It is cool to have family events here because for 30 years of my life this house is where I spent every Christmas and different holidays. Now we still have holiday celebrations here- I know my grandparents would love that.

3. My paternal grandparents were immigrants. My Papaw came from Poland when he was 14 years old, by himself, did not speak any English, with NO family. My grandmother was a baby when her parents came to America. They met and married in a little town where they lived happily ever after together for 69 years. I can still count in Polish and say a few words, which I will teach the girls.

4. I NEVER wanted to become a teacher. I thought kids these days are crazy and disrespectful. Now I teach the craziest of them all and in a special school where kids are placed after they are removed from a regular public school. Hmmm... I am not quite sure how this happened! Actually I do, but it is a LONG story!

5. I overcame my fear of blood and needles. I use to faint when I cut myself or when I got a shot. Got over my fear of needles after I injecting myself to get knocked up. My family never thought I would be able to do the injections... the things we face in the effort to get pregnant. I don't think I could roll up my sleeve and give blood yet, but I didn't faint when I got my flu shot.

6. I am fascinated by death. I know weird. I have held quite a few hands as people died- my dad (at 16), my grandfather, 2 grandmothers, and numerous people when I worked at the Alzheimer's facility. Of course all of these people were terminally ill and all of them were old, except for my dad... but all of them were really peaceful.

7. I love to read. I always have... I don't get much of an opportunity right now.. but I will again someday when I am not so tired. I read "Gone with the Wind" in the 6th grade. I have reread it probably 10 times since.

So for the blogs I love to read... (in no particular order)

1. Sarah- from Take it one Gigantic, Earth Shattering-Crisis at a Time Because I think if Sarah and I met in real life- we would make sailors blush at our ability to say the "F" word! I think she would make me laugh ALOT!

2. Maggie- from I just love you- cause she is just so cute and has the most adorable daughter whose cheeks I just think are the most pinchable ever!

3. Jess-Our trip on the infertility train- she is a fellow PCOS cyster.

4. Sarah -Ignorance & Confidence- cause she pointed me in the right direction to see some cool stuff in Alaska.

5. Dawn- She has 2 cool blogs and one is about one of my favorite things- FOOD! I would love for Dawn to cook me a meal- I bet it would kick ass!

6. Amy- Because I think if Amy and I met in real life- we would hit it off.

7. Joye- Joye and I have a lot in common. Both teachers in middle school, both have PCOS....

So Saturday sucked more than I can say....

2010-02-22T13:53:00.003-05:00

Saturday came like Doomsday... I woke up crying (not that I slept well anyway)... cried when the Bobby's best friend's wife and daughter arrived to take care of the girls for us... cried on the way.. cried while we waited for them to clean the room... cried as my Reese pooped on the floor in the waiting room...cried when the stupid vet assistant asked me his name so she could run a stool sample...cried as I signed some paperwork about it being humane... cried as they asked if I wanted him cremated and remains returned... cried as I held my doggy's head as he took his last breath... I just cried....

My first baby with my human babies

Look at that gentle dog giving that "baby kisses" - people have ran from him LOL!

I am mad now... mad at myself for putting Reese "to sleep" (who the hell coined that term anyway- he isn't asleep), mad I didn't say I wasn't ready and just let it go at that, mad I let my family and Bobby tell me "it is time"... mad at the vet who didn't have anything left for us to try... I am just plain MAD.

In the same breath.. I am sadder than I think I have ever been in my life. Sadder than losing 2 pregnancies... sadder than losing my grandparents, sadder than I ever thought possible... I didn't lose "just a dog", I lost my best friend, a family member, someone that I took care of, my baby, MY REESE!

Just can't stop crying... can't stop thinking about him.. missing him...sad I can't let him back in from the backyard...sad when I went to put water in his bowl this morning only to remember his bowl was gone...sad that my heart is broken and there is a piece that will forever be missing...

I MISS YOU Reese MORE than you'll ever know!!! I love you Reese! Thank you for 12 great years! You're the most awesome dog! All dogs go to Heaven and when I get there- I can't wait to pet you again! Our house is empty without you! Love you Reese!

It is time for us to let go

2010-02-12T13:38:00.006-05:00

Bobby and I have decided that it is time to allow our wonderful, faithful, and loyal companion and member of our family to go to "doggy heaven" so that he no longer has to deal with his arthritis, the pain, and the embarrassment as he loses bowel control.

This is Reese last week during our little snow

If you notice, you can see how he "slumps" and doesn't put weight on his back legs.

It is with saddened and broken hearts that we make this decision. I have wavered on this for a year. But it is time. I am sad, I cry even as I write this. I cry when I think about it. I get overwhelmed as I realize no one will meet me at the front door (although Reese now lays against the front door cause he can't hear and it is his only way of knowing what is happening).

I love my Reese. He has been a good dog, a loyal friend, he has never told, not even one of, my secrets. He has been there for the worst moments of my life. He has been there for the best moments of my life. He has danced with me. He has laid there as I cried. He has given me high fives. He has jumped around with excitement with me. He has watched over me as I slept. He has protected our home. He has played with me. He has napped with me. He helped me "pick" Bobby to be in our family (the only guy I brought home that Reese didn't snap at, though Bobby will tell you differently). He has brought me many years of happiness and some great companionship.

So next Saturday we will let our Reese not suffer anymore. 12 years to the day that I saw this little black puppy run across the floor and give me a little puppy "woof" with his little German Shepherd ears flopped over. Oh how I will miss him.

I LOVE YOU BUDDY! YOU ARE THE BEST DOG IN THE WORLD! WE WILL MISS YOU! I LOVE YOU REESE!

6 months ago...

2010-02-07T17:41:00.007-05:00

6 months ago I looked like this....

Today... Oh shit there's no pictures of me!! Hmm... Oh well! I guess thats cause I look pregnant still and I haven't brushed my hair today. I got up in a rush to fix bottles.. pulled it into a ponytail like thing and well.. I am lucky I brushed my teeth! But I have this....

And this....

And moments like this...

And moments like this...

Yep- that was today!

Anyway, 6 months ago today I was just "Courtney" pregnant with twins. Tomorrow they will be 6 months old and I am a "Mommy" of twins and I have survived so far! It stays kinda fuzzy to me cause I still haven't slept through the night! But damn they are cute!

Sweet Potatoes, Snow and 1st tooth

2010-02-01T16:53:00.003-05:00

My good friend Leanne took time away from her 4 yr old son and her almost 2 yr old boy/girl twins and loaned me her food processor and we made 96 ozs of sweet potatoes! Yes, I homemade baby food in the attempt to save money and cause well... why not? In the next few days I will make some carrots and squash and butternut squash... oh the choices are unlimited!

We got a nice snow- the first "real" snow in a few years. 6 inches fell on the ground and we introduced the girls to the snow. Bobby held them and I put snow in their hands- we had a little protests with some grunts and all, but they held some snow in their cute little chubby hands. And then immediately put their hands in their mouths.

As I was cleaning up the bowls of sweet potatoes, I put some on my finger and put it in Kristin's mouth and lo and behold... there was a tooth cutting through! How did that happen? How are they growing this fast? I want them to stay babies! *tear*

Bobby and the girls

Kristin and her sweet potatoes

Lara likes to wear her sweet potatoes as well as eat them

I never knew I could love 2 little things so much! They grow more and more fun everyday! I look forward to their toothless grins... oh yeah.. Kristin won't have one much longer.

My sweet little angels

2010-01-18T14:20:00.005-05:00

So really I suck at this blog thing now cause I am just so busy. When I am at home I am feeding, pumping, trying to clean up... something. Then when I am at work.. well.. I am at work.

The girls are growing.. TOO fast if you ask me. If they would sleep through the night and hold their own bottles I would LOVE for them to stay just as they are. There is something sweet and enduring about their big toothless grins and their laughter! OMG I just melt!

Both girls roll ALL over the place and have discovered their feet and toes! OMG toes are the coolest things ever! Kristin even scoots around on her elbows- little worried about this becoming a mode of transportation! Lara just chats away! She is just like me in her talking abilities! It cracks me up to sing little made up songs to them and they laugh- they think I am the funniest thing!

So 5 months old.. eating cereal.. rolling all over the place.. playing with toys.. playing with and eating feet and toes.. laughing... pulling toys towards them... "talking on the phone" aka looking at the phone and pushing buttons...

They are pretty much my life! I wouldn't trade them for all the money in the world..well, maybe... just kidding...

So here they are eating/wearing cereal.

Kristin says "Hey you! Whatcha got?"

Kristin and her praying hands- praying hands means "I need sleep" she does it every time...nap time and bed time

Lara and her toothless grin!

I could post 500 pictures. Cause I think they are pretty damn cute- if I do say so myself!

That's what we have been up to for the past month. I will try to be better, but I won't promise cause I swear I can't get anything done, except the necessities.. pump, feed and diaper them!!

Who cried when we saw Santa??

2009-12-11T12:21:00.005-05:00

Well they girls didn't! But Bobby did!! And yes, I laughed at him! He said "It was there first time on Santa's lap, we will never have the first time again!"

Aren't they the cutest little things ever??? Damn, I made cute kids!! If I do say so myself!

We also had our 4 month check up and shots at the pediatricians. So it went something like this:

Kristin- 12 lb 1 oz- 23.25 in- 10th percentile for both height and weight
Lara- ll lbs- 22.5 in- 5th for height and 3rd for weight

Ok so I have little wee ones!

We discussed cereal, sleeping through the night (cause we still aren't), Kristin's constipation and reflux, breastfeeding, and Spitting up and IF this Colic is EVER going to end!

So since rice cereal can cause constipation, we are starting with Oatmeal cereal instead. We will try that on Saturday- should be interesting.

Giving Kristin yet again another medicine to try and make her poop. Come on child and poop on a regular basis. I know it has to hurt and it makes her cranky. Dr B said we should be on the home stretch of Colic and it should be ending soon. God I hope so!! She screamed last night for an hour and 40 mins and then all of a sudden she stopped slept for 10 mins and was an angel after that! Like having Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

They got some shots and we were off!

Visiting Santa was quite the adventure. I waited to dress them until we only had 3 people in front of us in line- because lo and behold as soon as we picked them up off of Santa's lap- I was once again covered in puke. Ughh!! How many times in a 24 hour time period can 1 person be spit up on?? I will keep track and let you know.

As for me and Bobby. We are in a "compromise" right now. He wants me to be more specific and tell him exactly what I want him to do. So I am going to work on not being pissed that I have to tell him exactly what to do and just tell him cause I assume that he knows that if the girls need to be changed- that he should change them and then he can go play on the computer. But we are working on that.

My New Year's resolution is to get over my anger and just tell him what to do without resentment. We'll see how that goes too.......

Invasion of Privacy

2009-12-02T13:11:00.003-05:00

This is a rant about my husband!!!!

So yesterday, my hubby had to have some warranty things done on his car, so he came to school and got my car and went about his day- which did NOT consist of watching the girls cause he had "stuff to do".

My friend Kate and I, well we IM each other throughout the day. It is nice, I get to vent some and she does too. We don't do it all day, but we write down what's going on and support each other during the day. Sometimes it takes us awhile to write back, all depends on what is going on. So anyway...

We were discussing that my hubby would like to have another baby (yes you heard me correctly). My response was something of- "of course he would because he doesn't do shit to help me."

So when he came to pick me up I was in a meeting, I came back and he was at my desk on my computer and I saw that the IM was scrolled back to the top. I didn't say anything, but the rest of the night all I heard was "Well, since I don't do shit" or something to that effect. I told him I thought we were over that, but apparently it isn't. I mean I know it isn't because I am not over it, but I can't say anything to "make" him help me. So I just don't say anything else, why bother? There's no point.

He "thinks" he is helping me and I feel he isn't so why? It only makes us both upset and angry, and since I can't stand arguing what's the point in continuing? So I tell my friends and my blog and all how he doesn't help. I am not keeping it all inside and now I have come to learn that a lot of men just don't help. They "think" or "feel" that they are, but their spouse feels they aren't.

The biggest thing of all this is that he read MY stuff! I have NEVER gone through his stuff. Frankly, I don't give a shit about his emails or text messages or cell phone calls, and now I just don't have the energy to be "sneaky", I am just TOO TIRED. If he wanted to cheat or had someone on the side... I will kindly help him pack his shit and leave. In Beyonce's terms "To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left." Followed by, "You don't know about me, I can have another you in a minute" Except I don't want another him... I'd find one that helps me!! HA take that Bobby! I mean why the fuck does he feel that insecure about our marriage that he would read my stuff??? I asked him that but I didn't really give him a chance to answer. Because I was too busy getting the girls ready for bed- by myself as usual. Then Kristin had a melt down and I held her as he rolled over and went to sleep and kindly snored for Kristin and me! Thanks asshole!

I should precipitate this by this is what happened on Thanksgiving. My whole family got together at my sister's and I had fed the girls (notice once I again I said "I") and pumped and was all nice a full so I laid down on the floor (as not to bother or take up any room on the couch to keep anyone from not having a seat to watch the game) My bil and sister were holding the girls, BIL says to Bobby let's go watch the game on my new plasma. Bobby turns to me and holds out Kristin and says "Here, you aren't doing anything." Are you fucking kidding me??? I never get 5 minutes to myself, I mean I have held a baby while trying to pee! BIL says basically, "Courtney, never gets to do nothing- we got this, we can take the girls up to the room, they don't need anything and even if they do it's 2 vs 2!" Really Bobby?? Everyone else sees that I don't get a break, why can't my husband? Why am I STILL having this conversation?

The only time I am away from the girls I am at work! Then people STILL want something from me! Someone is wanting something from me ALWAYS- whether it is the girls, the kids at school, or my husband!! Someone ALWAYS wants something!! I want time where NOONE wants something!! PLEASE!!!

Seriously, I worry about my marriage. No one prepared me for the fact that having these twins would drive such a rift between us. I mean I knew it would change my marriage but not to this extreme.

I try saying this to him but all it does is turn into a fight and I am tired of the fighting. I am not a fighter!

I feel like giving up!

And now all I have is my blog to be honest- cause he doesn't know I have one!

Thankful for...

2009-11-24T10:22:00.003-05:00

I am truly thankful for....

Kristin

Lara

Last year on Thanksgiving day, I gave myself injections of Follistim. We had to leave from Bobby's parents house early (like 5 am) on Friday to go have a dr appt with the u/s machine and blood work. I saw 6 follies that day only to have them reduce down each time I went AND then on IUI day... there were 2!! I felt so alone and I was scared that we would never have kids. I was talking about IVF and having to wait cause we would need a second mortgage or an equity line of credit on our house. Plus I knew that we would have to wait cause I wouldn't be able to take off everyday from school for the blood work and u/s.

Now a year later- I can't believe it.

I am thankful for my girls and thankful that they are healthy! I am thankful I am their mom! I am thankful because they are the cutest things I ever made! I am thankful that they are growing and smile and coo and all the wonderful stuff they do... because they are mine! I have SO much to be thankful for!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

PS- I am also Thankful for Thanksgiving- my favorite holiday!! NO presents- just FOOD AND FAMILY!!!

Honestly.....

2009-11-02T12:57:00.004-05:00

Well before I get to my "real" post- here's some pics of the girls on their 1st Halloween.

"The Fam" (all I see is the inter tube of fat around my waist aka muffin top)

Girls with the pumpkins

Scary Ghost Lara and Spooky Spider Kristin

So this has been a long time coming.

I haven't been as good at posting since the girls were born because of alot of things. But mainly because I feel like I would be lying. Lying to you because of all the emotions I have had since I gave birth.

Honestly, since I have had the girls, I no longer feel like myself. I have lost a part of myself because of all the stuff going on. First, giving birth and the aftermath of having twins is the hardest thing I have ever done. After I delivered the girls vaginally, I had "things" to deal with. Mostly dealing with what goes on in the delivery room, the stuff we all knows happens but it is hard to take when it is you. It took me a few weeks to get over that.

Secondly, I underestimated how hard parenthood is. I didn't realize the sacrifices and how EXHAUSTING it is. At first, the lack of sleep and the weeks of having a few hours makes "Courtney think she is going crazy". I hear the girls crying even when they aren't crying, makes you wonder if I am going crazy, huh? Maybe a little postpartum depression??? I think so.... or not, maybe it is the lack of husband support.

Third, my husband and I are having ALOT of issues. I don't think we are on the same page. I feel like he doesn't so shit to help me. He has worked more overtime since the girls have been born than he has ever in his life. When my hubby works overtime he is gone for 72 hours straight, his normal shifts are 24 hours long, so overtime makes him be gone 3 days in a row. That's 3 days and 3 nights!!! Try doing that with twins alone! I did and it made me be a really ugly person. Then when he did come home, he did everything but be inside helping me. He has started to mow the neighbor's lawn too. He tore down our sun room to build the girls a playroom... cause really they need a playroom now, right? Seriously?? He never once came home after being gone for 24 hours, let alone 72 hours, and said "Honey, I realize you have been alone with them for "blank number of" hours. I got this. Take a shower or a nap, I see you are in the same clothes that you were in when I left "blank number of" days ago, here let me help you". After a huge screaming match- we came to a decision- he thinks I am ungrateful and crazy and I think he doesn't do shit to help me and that we will never have sex until he does. How's that?

Not to mentions that Kristin has Colic. She was having 4 crying/screaming episodes a day, lasting anywhere from 30 mins to 4 hours. GOOD TIMES!!!Wear that hat for days in a row. It was enough to make the Pope lose his shit and curse.

Put all that together and lack of sleep and feeling like I was "alone" and it makes for a pretty miserable person. In the middle of all that, Bobby wanted to take Reese to the vet and discuss "quality of life". I went and basically said that I wasn't putting the dog down anytime soon. Some days he is the only thing in the house that kept me from losing my shit.

It is getting better around the house- except Bobby still thinks he does more than the average man in helping with the babies- but I think it has more to do with the fact that I went back to work and I feel "normal". I may not be sleeping all the way through the night yet, but I like being out in "the real world". I am NOT Stay at Home Mom material, I am proud to admit that I am woman enough to admit that that is not a good thing for me. I look forward to picking the girls up from the sitter (who I was friends with in high school and her mom was my cheerleading coach in Rec league), so I don't feel guilty leaving them either. Being back at work makes me appreciate the time I do spend with them. I can handle Kristin's colic episodes better and that makes me feel like a better mom. Cause I wasn't feeling like I was a good one for the whole time they had been on this Earth.

So anyway, that's how I felt and I am sorry. But I felt like you needed an explanation on why I couldn't write about how wonderful everything was, cause for me it wasn't. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be pregnant and both were not what I thought it would be like... made me feel guilty and shitty about myself. I started thinking- maybe that was why I was "infertile" in the first place, maybe God knew I'd be a shitty ass mom and I fucked with it by going and getting pregnant.

Whatever it may be, I am glad to have my girls and everyday they amaze me. They are certainly the cutest things I ever made!

The cutest set of girlie girl twins!!

2009-10-27T11:34:00.002-04:00

Well at least I think the are the cutest set of girlie girl twins!!

So here they are on Sunday in their "matchy match" outfits. That is as "matchy" as I get. I love Car.ter's and their 2 onesies on a hanger- makes me be able to coordinate without making them "match". They are fraternal twins and even if they were identical I would still want them to be individuals. My mom thinks it is cute and says all the twins she knows liked dressing alike- so I guess they will continue to get matching outfits- I just don't have to dress them in them at the same time!!

Even though they both had a "little" cold, they were pretty smiley for us to take their pics. We went to Sea.rs to get their pics done and they told us 5 mins, we waited 45 and they lost their shit so we left. Went home and put a white sheet on the recliner and voila! And probably saves us $200 too! Bonus!

And last but not least: Here's Reese with his babies! Kristin was starting to have a meltdown, she could only take so many pics and we took alot to get a few that were good.

We are going to visit Pop and Little Grandma this weekend for Great Grandma's 80th birthday. The girls will wear their Halloween costumes!! Oh they are so cute!!

I am back to work and managing that well. I like being back to work- makes me appreciate the time I do have with them. Plus, I can handle Kristin's 8pm Colic fit better. I have more patience and since I missed the rest of them through the day, I am not as frustrated. Plus, FINALLY they are sleeping 5+ hours!! I think that helps me mentally too! I know I am not SAHM material, I just can't do it. Although I like being a teacher and having off holidays and the summer- I do like the structure working provides- geesh I am a kid really!

More pics to come after the Halloween bash! I guess I am getting pretty boring- I don't have anything exciting happening anymore. Hopefully the girls will start to be more entertaining soon, like breaking out some new tricks.

2 months old

2009-10-09T17:37:00.002-04:00

I don't have time to "really" update- but here are a few pics from yesterday and today.

The girls are 2 months old- WOW!! Went to pediatrician on Monday and the girls got their first shots! Well the first ones I saw- they got some in the hospital. They got clean bills of health and he told me how beautiful they are and once again how beautifully their heads are shaped. I guess that is a good thing- no cone heads here!

Kristin weighs 10lbs and 4 oz and is 22 inches long. He upped her reflux meds and said she probably did have some colic. My poor bay-be!

Lara weighs 8lbs and 14 oz and is 21 inches. He said she was growing well and is "catching" her sister!

I go back to work on Monday! BLAH!! Do I have to?

Holding Hands

Kristin (left) and Lara (right)

Kristin

Lara

Growing so fast!

2009-09-29T12:43:00.004-04:00

My girls are 7 weeks old already- in some ways it seems like forever through the dense fog of sleep deprivation and in other ways I can't believe it! So here they are:

Lara is on the left and Kristin is on the right.

This is Kristin. She is my eldest and is already showing her personality. She is demanding and likes to be the center of attention. Totally her father!! She also LOVES to cuddle with you, she makes her daddy cry when she smiles. She even smiled at him first- made me mad as I am the one that carried her for 37 weeks! Ughh! Can't she smile at ME first! Kristin was diagnosed with Acid reflux. She also seems to have a touch of Colic. She cries alot and makes me feel like an inadequate mother as I can't soothe her. It is frustrating and makes for alot of stress. I feel for her on the reflux cause it sucked ass while I was pregnant and I could bitch about it. She can't, well... I guess she does with her crying. I wish I could help her. Really makes me upset.

This is my youngest, Lara. She is totally the "baby" in the family. She loves to be held and cuddled too. She smiles and loves to look around. She is an easy going child and I fear for my sanity when she is a teenager. I think she will be my hand full then!

On a good note- they went 5 hours between a feeding the night before last- from 9:30 pm to 2:45 am. Gotta work on sleeping through that time. Lara got up but wanted to be changed. Then last night they slept for 4 hour stretches at a time again! I almost feel like a normal person!

The coolest thing happened this morning! I had the girls on their activity mat and they were looking at each other and smiling and cooing. So I got out the video camera and tried to get them to do it again. Of course they didn't BUT Kristin rolled over from her belly to her back! AND I got it on tape!!! I'll never catch stuff on video again probably- especially after I go back to work in 11 days- BLAH!

1st trip to see Daddy's firetruck

2009-08-28T17:17:00.002-04:00

Like our nieces and nephew, Bobby had to take the girls to see his expensive toys. Although the girls didn't get to ride around in the truck yet, you should have seen the grown men at the fire station ogle over my babies. Cracked me up.
I guess the funniest part is that Kristin pooped all over the fire chief's office! Hehe!!

Bobby went back to work yesterday and so far we survived the first night without him. He works 24 hours on and then 24 hours off. However, he had to work overtime so he is gone for 72 hours straight. It is a LONG night by yourself when 2 babies are screaming and you can't get to the 2nd one fast enough. Thankfully we all survived 'til morning. Now 2 more nights.

I have some wonderful friends that have brought me food and came and helped hold the babies so I could take a shower. The girls are getting into a little bit better of a sleep pattern at night, especially Lara. I have to wake her to feed her every 3 hours when her sister is up, although Kristin is up WAY more than every 3 hours. You'd think the smaller baby would need more attention and food, but nope! Hopefully, soon we will get on a better sleep schedule, at least for my sanity.

2 weeks old and I am still alive!

2009-08-22T13:59:00.003-04:00

You know someone told me twins weren't all that hard- oh yeah that lady had triplets!

Wow the girls are 2 weeks old today and although I get VERY few hours (2 if I am REALLY lucky) of sleep in a row- I am still alive and so are they. Which is a good thing!

The girls had their 2 week old pedi appt yesterday. Kristin weighs 7lb 6oz and is doing well, no more jaundice. Lara is 5lb 14 oz and she also got a clean bill of health. Dr B was super happy as they had gained 12 and 11 oz respectively after the initial loss after birth. He will see them back in 2 weeks for their 1st round of shots. More poor babies! I hate shots although I have done them to myself, I still don't like them!

So here are my bay-bies enjoying their activity mat. They like being with each other and often I catch them staring at each other! So cute! Lara even sucked on the back of Kristin's head while they waited for me to get set up so they could eat. Everyone around here is learning patience! (Lara is the "top" baby and Kristin on the "bottom")

Pics of the girls

2009-08-14T15:00:00.003-04:00

I am MORE than exhausted! But I thought I would put up some pics of the girls for those who have not seen them.

This is Kristin Jean- my jaundice baby! Already showing that she is the oldest child- very independent!

This is Lara Anne- my big eater! She'd stay attached to the breast ALL day and night if she could!

Bobby and I are overwhelmed and overjoyed! Hard to believe tomorrow they will be a week old! More pics to come when I actually get some sleep- more than 1 hour at a time! Wouldn't change it for the world!

BTW- Reese has a new attitude! Suddenly he is running- I mean running to "guard" the girls. He hasn't been this spunky in awhile! The girls have taken at least 2 years off of him! I guess the girls give him something to do!

Welcome Kristin and Lara!

2009-08-08T20:16:00.002-04:00

Kate here, blogging you an update for Courtney.

Kristin was born at 5:30pm. She was 6lbs 14 oz and 19.5 inches long. Lara was born at 6:19pm. She was 5lbs 6.5oz and 18.5 inches long. Mom and babies are doing just fine.

Congratulations Courtney & Bobby!

OMG I am going to be a mommy tomorrow!

2009-08-06T23:30:00.003-04:00

So as you can see my belly has dropped! 37 weeks and 3 days with twins is NO joke!

I have been wavering today with the thoughts of "Thank God I won't be pregnant anymore" to "Holy shit I am going to be responsible for 2 people for the rest of my life!"

I did this before I got married too. Thinking I'd be someone's wife which seems very grown up, somehow this seems even more grown up!

All I want is some sleep tonight and a safe and healthy delivery for me and the twins!

Updates to follow!

"You're still pregnant"

2009-08-04T22:49:00.003-04:00

Ummm.. that is exactly what my dr said as I waddled down the hall in his office today! Yeah, I am still pregnant! DUH!

Anyway, he teased me for a few minutes about going to the hospital not getting my way so signing myself out and refusing medical treatment- which is only partially true. I didn't want anything to stop labor and I think I can rest better at home. I mean seriously who would rather be in a hospital bed than in your own bed?

He checked and I am 4 cm and he is like How are you still pregnant? I don't know, that's why I pay him! He is in surgery the next few days and wants to induce me but is checking his schedule and will call me and let me know- Wed, Thurs or Fri! Just depends! Now that I know he isn't making me wait until 39 weeks I am a much calmer and happier pregnant lady! I will probably go into labor on my own as I "rest" (which I am seriously going to do), no more walking or anything to MAKE myself go into labor- so it will probably happen on its own!

Updates to follow as soon as I know myself! And a last belly shot if I get so adventurous- remember I am relaxing!

Practice run down

2009-08-02T14:24:00.002-04:00

Bobby and I headed to L&D late last night/early this morning as my contractions were 8 mins apart. They hooked me up to all the monitors and slowly the contractions start to spread out. The nurse wouldn't call Dr M and the dr on call wanted to give me meds to stop contractions. I opted to come home and "rest" instead. They want me to be 37 weeks, which is in 2 days.

Everyone wants me up and walking and all I really want to do is sleep, I am exhausted. IF I jump start labor today I won't be good during the whole process as I am completely worn out!

The twins will be here sooner than later (I hope)

2009-07-30T23:07:00.005-04:00

Here I am at 35 wks and 6 days. (Currently I am 36wk 2 days) It just might be my last belly pic.

I went to the dr on Weds. and he did an internal exam (can't say I am looking forward to that again!) And lo and behold, I am 3cm dilated and thinned out (he didn't say how much). I was surprised, although I have been having contractions, just not regular ones, I figured they were just Braxton Hicks. I am having contractions still, just not regular enough to go into the hospital.

Now I am a mad woman trying to get little things done before they arrive. I do have my wonderful friend Kate, updating as soon as she gets word and if she can with pics. If you are on Facebook, look there too.

So hopefully next post will be of the 2 girls!

OMG I am a horrible blogger!

2009-07-14T11:55:00.005-04:00

I super suck I know! The thing is I am really trying to be a busy bee (in between naps that is) getting ready for these babies, cause ready or not- they are coming!! I have received some emails threatening bodily harm as I have not updated so here it is!

I am 34 weeks today. Holy crap times flies! I never thought I would be here- huge and still pregnant. I never thought this day would come but alas it is and I have to admit I am a little more than scared. Since the moment that pregnancy test read "pregnant" I have worried. Worried about staying pregnant to making it to viability to my thoughts now of "OMG I am going to be a mom". After they are born, am I going to be like my mom? Will I ALWAYS be worried for them for the rest of my life? Not only do you lose sleep during infancy but then I have to worry once they start kindergarten, then they'll start to drive, and then date and then go off to college, cause let's face it... I know what I was doing! So now my thoughts are "OMG, I WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!!!" For right now, I will try to worry about did I wash everything in baby safe detergent and do we have enough diapers to last me so I don't have to try to venture out with 2 babies in the middle of the night!! Cause I am sure as hell not focusing on the delivery!! I mean cause that absolutely scares the ever living shit out of me!!

Anyway- here I am 33 weeks pregnant- no I did not develop a growth on my belly- I burnt myself cooking so now I have decided I am not cooking anything more than frozen entrees until my belly shrinks cause it hurts to get a burn and the babies did not like my belly being burnt either.

After my house guests left, we have been steadily working around here to prepare ourselves for our 2 new members. Bobby's parents came last week and his mom painted a mural on the wall for the girls in the nursery. It is the best picture I could take and the flash makes a highlighted spot but I tried my best.

Where the flash makes it lighter is a waterfall and there are monkeys in the trees which are not seen cause of the flash. I decided Bobby is the daddy lion, I am the zebra (cause that one if my favorite it looks so real like it could walk off the wall) and the girls are the monkeys.

I have an appt tomorrow and you never know- I might just put up new u/s pics tomorrow! We'll see what the good doc has to say.

Oh, update on the doggy. Reese is getting slower. I just can't get up the nerve to put him down yet. It is the saddest thing ever for me. I had Reese WAY longer than I have had Bobby. I want Reese to met his sisters- but then again am I being selfish? He is still eating and he follows us around, but you can tell when he has a rougher day than others. He is starting to poop in the house some cause I think he can't feel it all the time. I am just not ready and it seems to me that Reese isn't ready yet either. About a week ago I thought "Ok this is it, he has had several really bad days in a row and maybe we should do it now" and then it is like he knew it and suddenly got his toys out of his basket and played fetch a few times and chewed on his favorite toys. I don't know. I do know I love him and this is one of the hardest decisions in my life. By the way, if you are in the middle of deciding about putting your dog down, DON'T watch Marley and Me! Also, you probably should watch it pregnant either. I knew what happens, I still watched it, and then laid on the floor crying into Reese's fur for 30 minutes- he looked at me like I was crazy but gave me kisses anyway- How can you put that to sleep when he looks so trusting into your eyes and loves you so much unconditionally??

Welcome Third Trimester!!

2009-06-02T14:42:00.005-04:00

I am in my 3rd trimester!

I also have the most wonderful husband ever cause I was able to do this yesterday:

He went to Big.Lots and bought me this wonderful 16x9 pool with a pump! I have wanted to be swimming cause it is SO hot!! He set it all up and everything and when I got home from school he said "Let's go swimming!" Oh it was like heaven! For a few hours I was almost weightless! I floated on my noodles and loved every second!! I can't wait to get in it today! I just need that pool to last until I have these babies!!

I welcomed my third trimester this morning with feeling like I was back in my first trimester! I was back to being nauseous and throwing up... sorry. However, it did ease up.

I go back to the maternal fetal medicine dr tomorrow so more pics of my girls! I love seeing them!

Only 11 more school days left! Hopefully, I will survive... cause my body is betraying me quickly! Then "my" made up bedrest as well as floating in my pool. Ahhh... I love being a teacher for half of June, July and most of August!!

Week 27 and moving right along!

2009-05-26T09:53:00.006-04:00

Here I am in all my glory! Sorry my hair is a mess cause I am TIRED with all capital letters!!

So far, I am moving right along and I don't have any craziness to report. I have alot of aches and pains I didn't know came along with pregnancy. No one warned me about it. I began having acid reflux at week 8 and it has not let up, in fact it has gotten worse. Dr Talks gave me a script for prescription Zantac extra strength! It kinda helps but seriously- no one told me about this acid reflux crap! I also developed carpal tunnel in both hands! Och! Talk about painful. I didn't know that carpal tunnel felt like this, NOW I know and although Dr Talks assured me it would go away after delivery- I am having a hard time believing him. It keeps me awake at night cause my hands ache so bad! I am now wearing braces on my arms during the day to try and help me sleep better. Those are my 2 major complaints- for now anyways!!

I do, however, enjoy feeling the babies move. I can totally tell when they are awake and when they are asleep. I also know for sure they like ice cream! They are their mother's daughters after all! The wonderful part of pregnancy is knowing that they are "ours" and I love them already. I love watching Bobby get excited when they kick and he feels them. I like watching my stomach move like I have some foreign bodies in there- oh yeah I do! I can't wait to see their little feet and hands through my skin. That's the beauty of being pregnant.

I am anxious for school to be out! 16 more days to wake up!! Aghhh! Then I will only leave the house for food trips and dr's appts!! Well maybe more than that! We'll have to see!

The nursery is in a total standstill- LONG story! Basically my sister, mom, and 2 yr old niece had to move in cause my sister left her asshole of a husband! So ummm... yeah, there is no nursery action going on in my house.

The best part of no nursery action means Bobby has FINALLY finished the remodel of the bathroom! I took a shower in my new shower last night and this morning too! I will do before and after pics soon. We (I say "we" I mean Bobby) has a few little things to do- like hang the mirrors and stuff, but other than that FULLY functional!! WOO HOO!!

I am a bad blogger!

2009-05-12T09:45:00.003-04:00

I am sorry! I suck I know! Really it is because I am SO busy at the end of the school year as well as I can't use my laptop at home cause my beautiful niece broke my wireless card and although I read blogs while eating my lunch at work, I don't have time to blog myself! I have not forgotten you!

So quickly, I am moving right along! I am 25 weeks today and after I get Bobby to take a pic I will post it as well as the update of the last appt/ultrasound.

I also haven't wanted to blog either because in the last few weeks my body has betrayed me! I am falling apart and really ...I am bitching ALOT! And I don't really think people want to hear me bitching about my newly developed carpal tunnel and the lack of sleep I am getting. I am really over the gaining of weight, I have decided that I will no longer look at the scale and just accept this beautiful bump as my girls and I will worry about losing the weight in August!!

That's about it! We are slowly working on the nursery as well. I have done about 8 loads of baby clothes! You can really fit alot of newborn stuff in one load! My mother in law is coming after Memorial day to paint a mural on the wall for the girls and I will post that when she is done.

Other than that... I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting the last day of school! Which is forever and a day away!! June 17th for the kids and the 18th for me! Still more than a month! UGHH!

I promise I will try to be better about posting! The girls are saying Hey! They both just gave me a kick, kick!!

What's been happening??

2009-04-19T14:06:00.006-04:00

If you don't want to see a huge belly scroll down now. Here I am at 21 weeks ( I warned you):

What's been happening since my last post? Well a lot actually.

2 Days after the appt., the dr's office called, which is NEVER good! I don't like to have them call me, well unless I called them first. She proceeds to tell me that the u/s tech ( yeah the one that took 20 mins instead of the hour they told me) "thinks" she only saw one placenta. "Thinks", well... wtf does that mean? Dr Talks wants me to see a perinatalogist (or a maternal fetal medicine doctor). They scheduled my appt and OK see ya after the appt. Oh OK. So I instantly google "fraternal twins with one placenta" ... rare but actually does happen. Ha, of course I would have something rare, right? I calmly call my sister (oncologist but she had med school so what does she think?) She thinks it will all be OK but go have it checked. Of course!!

So we went to our appt on Friday and look at what we saw:

Lara

Kristin

And we also saw 2... yes 2 placentas!!! Scare the ever living shit out of me for nothing.

Anyway, on the u/s that took 1.5 hours, we saw both babies have a brain (that's a good start.. we got something to work with). Both still have 2 arms and legs, no cleft palates, no hydrocephalus. ALL GREAT news!! They both had 4 chambers in their hearts (good, good) and we even got to see Kristin swallowing fluid. Pretty darn cool, I have to say. We also saw Lara kicking her sister in her face. Kristin does not like to have her picture taken and runs from the u/s wand. She had her little legs crossed and was no showing her business, she also had her hands covering her face. Well ,that could also be cause her sister was kicking her in the face. She is my quiet baby, I usually don't feel her, I know she is in there cause she is my bladder layer or on my sciatica. When she moves she steps on my bladder. Sweet angel. Lara is my Vegas show girl. She had her legs spread wide open (Great, I'll be up late when they are teenagers) and she also had her hands behind her head, kicked back and she likes to have her picture taken. She posed. Once again, we got more pics of Lara then Kristin. I feel guilty already.

I have been slowly working on the nursery. Going through the wonderful hand me downs we have been receiving!! I am ALL for hand me downs!! Thankfully both of my nieces were born at about the same time so the clothes should help us out! YAY!! The carpet is in the nursery and we have moved some of the furniture back in. Bobby's mom is coming to paint a mural on the wall for the girls (she is an awesome artist and does murals for a living). Fortunately we don't have to pay her!! I still feel like a slacker in the getting a nursery prepared department, but I didn't want 2 projects going on at the same time, but I have come to terms that the master bathroom is NEVER going to be done! So I might as well start the nursery. As soon as we get some real progress done I'll post a pic.

I'll save some of my other topics for another post.

Introducing to the World......

2009-04-02T17:00:00.008-04:00

Drum roll please.....

Lara Anne

Kristin Jean

Yes, I have twin daughters!!! And not only do I have twin daughters, I have 2 HEALTHY daughters!!! Thank You God for healthy babies!! Beautiful faces and measuring "perfect" (that's the word the u/s tech used)! They have all the parts and their parts are where they are suppose to be!! WOO HOO!! Thanks again! They are also suppose to weigh (according to WTE and the baby books) 6-7 oz, NOPE not my girls- they weigh 11 ozs!! Explains a lot of my weight gain (well that's my excuse and I am sticking to it!) I am happy to say they are healthy and girls!!

I had an emergency visit to the OB yesterday- lots of pressure and I was in a lot of pain and freaked out. Dr Talks called me back and asked some questions, said he thought it was baby positioning and not to worry but I could come in if I wanted- I went in. So I got to see them yesterday too. Everything was fine, and it was babies positioning. Kristin likes to lay on my bladder and Lara likes to lay on top of her. Making my pelvis feel like someone had gutted me like a fish and placed a dumbbell in my gut. So the "pressure" is just my girls (my girls Uh I love it!!)

Bobby and I are over the moon. 2 daughters! His words "OMG we have to pay for 2 weddings!"

Oh how did we come up with the names- Lara Anne and Kristin Jean. Lara was my best friend growing up and I miss her very much and the movie "Dr Chevago" ( I know I jacked that all up) and the movie's musical theme is "Lara's theme" and Anne is Bobby's sister's name who was killed serving our country ( as well as my middle name but we won't remind him of that). Kristin well cause we like it and I don't know but 1 Kristin and well I didn't want an overly popular name. And Jean is after my mom. Bobby is trying to be "favorite son- in- law.

Our families are excited and since I have all sisters- I am not surprised it is 2 girls (go back and notice I said 2 girls in my prediction).

So there you have it... Lara and Kristin!

Kinda Half Way There

2009-03-29T22:47:00.004-04:00

OK so here I am in all my glory at 18 weeks and 5 days!!

And being 18 weeks- makes me "kinda" half way done. Since I have been informed that twins come early and usually between 35-37 weeks, well that would put me "half way"!

With this realization, I have to say "Holy shit"!!! Cause we have a TON to do and not a whole helluva lot of time to do it!

Today, we bought carpet for the nursery- bye bye hardwood parkay floors! To be here and installed in about 2 weeks time! We also went to Babies.r.us and registered. That was exhausting!! We didn't quite finish cause I was tired and frustrated and Bobby was probably almost as frustrated as you know men- they love BRU! Had we had a scanner and were in Best.buy, well that would be a different story!!

I guess we better get a step on it.....

Updates-

Reese is doing better slowly. He is relaxing and taking his pills, he hasn't fallen anymore. I hope we are making some progress in the rehab department!

Still haven't caught the mouse either- but the daring little MFer came out and walked up to the trap- sniffed the peanut butter and ran off! Ughh! Little bastard! About 2 feet from me as I sat on the couch, yelling for my husband!

My puppy is "geriatric"

2009-03-26T14:19:00.006-04:00

My Reese is "geriatric". At least that is what the vet said about him.

So Bobby took the pup in on Monday and after numerous X-rays and a LARGE bill later, we have a diagnosis and although it isn't pleasant we can help him, hopefully, get better.

Reese has arthritis (we already knew that) but apparently the plaque that builds up around the joints has pinched off the nerves in his hind legs at times. So he can't "feel" his legs and that is causing him to stumble. We upped his arthritis meds , dosage and times daily, as well as giving him another pill for pain (which the vet says he isn't in cause he can't always feel his legs but it will help keep him calm- he isn't a puppy anymore even if I call him one- any more sedated and he'd be in a coma). Also, we have to contain him in a small area on carpet and then use a "sling" to help him across the tile (which I still have every area rug in the house with the skid stuff on it making a path to the doors and I went and bought more) and porch to the grass. Yes, we told her I was pregnant and she said we are to help guide and provide support him not hold him up, so I am not lifting him, just merely being a "walker" for my geriatric dog!! She also reminded us that he is "old, like a person in their 80s and what kind of movements would we expect from an old man going up the steps". I guess in a nutshell- we have a long rehab road ahead of us and this is probably starting the downhill procession that is the beginning of a decline in health. I love Reese and as much as I want him to be with me forever- I know he can't and I will NOT allow him to suffer. So when we take him back in 4 weeks for his eval, I hope we will be able to know more and make a good decision with Reese's best interest at heart. Actually, I am hoping he is alot better and I do not have to worry about making any decisions for a long time!

As it is, I am saying prayers for my Reese to get better and give me a little more time to adjust to this "aging" thing, cause it just happened to fast for Bobby and me.

If it isn't one thing it is another...

2009-03-22T18:31:00.002-04:00

What a weekend!

First, I guess I should start by saying that I love my dog, Reese (like grease only no "g") I have had Reese before I met my hubby. He has been around for awhile and is no spring chicken anymore. We started giving him glucosamine and chondroitin years ago. Recently we have started him on Ryma.dyl for arthritis.

So this weekend it has been hard for me to watch as my poor doggy has slipped on our tile floor in the kitchen. The first time, he didn't yelp but the second time he did. Then he scooted himself outside and squatted to pee for the first time since he was a puppy and learned to lift his leg like the "big dogs" he saw at the doggy park. So my heart is breaking as I realize my dog is getting older and no matter how much I love him, I can't heal his hips. Bobby came home and checked Reese out and said we didn't need to take him to the emergency vet , but to try and keep him off of it. Yeah, I'll try not to eat too. Same concept.

My bright idea has been to quarantine the dog. I have barricaded the kitchen and tile off so the dog won't fall and slip. I pulled every area rug with the skid stuff on the back and made a path to the back door so he doesn't fall since he has to go out. I have also been trying to stay put so he will not try to follow me around the house. So far so good. But he is still tender you can tell, good thing he was already going to the vet tomorrow at 9 am. Hopefully the good vet will have some advice and meds for the dog.

The craziest thing happened last night as I got up to pee in the middle of the night. I never cut the light on in the bathroom but for some reason I did. And as I sat there peeing, all of the sudden, a mouse ran across the floor. Yes, a mouse!! WTF?? So today I went and bought traps to set up so hopefully we can catch the uninvited guest. As I sat on the couch this afternoon, I heard the trap snap so I was scared to go look, and lo and behold, no mouse. Sneaky bastard. Luckily I have learned how to set the trap and not lose my fingers. I am just grossed out I have a mouse in my house. Bobby seems to think because of the construction going on in our house when they were coming in and out and left the door open then the mouse just strolled in and now it is like "Oops!" If my dog wasn't lame I would expect him to do something about the mouse, but since he is a gimp I will excuse him. Ugghhh! I am grossed out about the mouse.

After all.... when it rains it pours.

To appease my pals...

2009-03-15T17:10:00.006-04:00

Since I have gotten, "You won't tell.. how unfair" and "Isn't it time for a belly pic?" comments. I thought I would appease my friends! Nope, I still won't tell until we know for 100% what they may be!

Here I am with my ever expanding, ever enlarging, ever growing belly! Week 16!

I think I may have felt the babies move- not for sure though cause I don't' know what I am suppose to be feeling! But it will come in time and I know that! I know in the weeks to come I will feel them for sure! That's all here on the home front!

The babies are.....

2009-03-12T11:37:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was our u/s and I came home and was sicker than a dog! Ughh!

And the babies are....

I wish I could tell you! One baby (baby A) was happy to show off! But baby B was not so cooperative. Dr Talks said one baby A was definitely one sex but he wouldn't make a call on the other!

So unfortunately we all have to wait to know! Sorry!

Next u/s is April 2nd, which is the long anatomy scan. Hopefully, then the "professional" as Dr Talks called her, she will be able to make a definite call one way or the other.

What are the sexes of these babies anyway???

2009-03-10T21:03:00.006-04:00

I promised to say what I thought the babies sexes were before my big u/s. So before I do that I have to say:

I am freaking out that we won't find out tomorrow cause:

1. The babies won't cooperate

2. Dr. Talks to Bobby more than the pregnant woman will have to leave to deliver a baby hence leaving me (us) hanging

3. One baby will cooperate and the other one plays "shy"

4. I don't know something to prevent me from seeing what's going on in there

I have thought that if Dr Talks has to leave that I will "refuse" (playfully of course but I will really mean it) to leave until someone slathers some of that blue u/s goo on my belly and takes a look and tells me penis or no penis on BOTH babies! I have ALL night to wait and I'll pay for extra goo if they'll just keep looking until we know! Or if they just give me access to the u/s machine and I will do my own u/s and with my untrained eye try to figure out what these cute little bundles are!

So with no further ado... The sexes are...

well I honestly have to say that I am having a problem picking what I think these babies are. I usually wake up in the middle of the night and I just "know" what a friend is having. Well, I haven't done that with myself. I am also so jaded as I want us to have a baby girl and a baby boy so that we have one of each and it will be just " perfect". Whatever these babies are.... it will make us a " complete perfect little family". If it is 2 girls we will be complete and perfect... if it is 2 boys then we will be complete and perfect. I will love these babies and treasure them for the rest of my life- whatever they may be. I love them already and I haven't even touched them or kissed their little cheeks, but I can wait until they grow some healthy lungs first!

What do I really think? I think it is highly possible to have one of each- but I also think it is 2 girls. Bobby is positive that one is a boy. Bobby really wants a little girl and he has said on more than one occasion, if there is no girl is in there, then we will try for a girl. WHOA Nelly! We aren't even through this yet and not to mention after we have 2 at one time I can't imagine that we would try again or even going through the whole ttc process again-ughh!

Really I would just like 2 healthy babies- and the sex doesn't matter cause no matter what we will love them and they are a piece of Bobby and me and NOTHING is better than that!

Some crazy stuff

2009-03-06T21:56:00.006-05:00

The octo-mom sure has caused some uproar, craziness, and talk around the country. I am going to keep a lot of personal feelings to myself with regard to her. What this post is about.... states are now trying to make laws to restrict fertility clinics and couples trying to have a family. I just don't think this is fair.

I got my twins from fertility treatments- not IVF. It was discussed with me about having too many follicles and not proceeding with IUIs to prevent a multiple pregnancy. Bobby and I talked about the "what ifs" of treatments, selective reduction and so forth. I don't agree with transferring a ton of eggs or becoming overstimulated and having higher multiples. But I don't agree with putting a restriction on how many eggs can be fertilized or frozen for future use. There is just too much at stake when couples are forking out a ton on money for treatments. http://www.latimes.com/news/local/politics/cal/la-na-octuplets-laws6-2009mar06,0,1714490.story

I loved the clinic I went to, and it is the best as far as I am concerned. I know they have set rules about how many eggs they will transfer as well as how far they will stimulate you before an IUI to prevent higher multiple pregnancies. As we all know that higher multiples cause a lot of stress on the mother's body as well as the babies and the chances for complications. I just don't get why anyone would demand to have 6 or more embryos transferred.

Anyway, I just hope that states and the federal government don't place restrictions on fertility treatments, for religious or another reason. It would make me happier to see them place restrictions on people having babies when they can't afford them, don't take care of them, or when they smoke crack. Just my opinion.

The pros and cons

2009-03-02T14:18:00.003-05:00

There are many perks to being a teacher. Here is a list:

1. The summer off
2. Holidays off
3. All weekends off
4. Job security (the economy/budget cuts has me a little worried about next year)
5. Set hours
6. Changing the life of a youngster
7. SNOW days with my dog!

The list of cons:

1. Crappy pay
2. Kids treating you like crap/cussing you out
3. Parents treating you worse
4. Taking papers home to grade
5. Taking lessons home to plan
6. Hearing "you get the summer off"
7. Crappy pay
8. Not getting a raise next year and being told- "just be glad you have a job"
9. Getting cussed out
10. Crappy pay

Oh I mentioned crappy pay!

Really, being a teacher is great- most days. Especially today!! When I get to stay at home and play with the pup-ster out in the yard- he looked like a puppy again- no arthritis today!!

Things to think about

2009-03-01T16:48:00.005-05:00

I have a lot of things on my brain lately.

Before my next OB appt I have to decide if I want to do a blood panel of tests. I go back and forth on having these tests done. I have read there are a lot of false positives especially with the Downs test. And we agree that we won't terminate the pregnancy even if there is something genetically wrong. We talked about this when we went through the fertility testing, what if there were multiple multiples. We decided no selective reduction either- who am I to chose if a baby should live? So I still haven't fully decided on these tests as does it matter? No. But then should I know so we could be prepared? I don't know.

What about daycare? Should I stay home? Should I work part-time? What? I know this is only a decision we can make, but it plays on my mind daily. Will I be able to leave my babies to go back to work? I always have thought I am the type of woman that would work after motherhood, but will I be able to? When should I try to go back after the babies are born?

One of the biggest thoughts right now- is this weight gain. I know, I know, I am suppose to be gaining weight. But as a woman we are told, "Don't gain weight".... "Don't get fat." And right now the needle on the scale keeps going up and I am unable to control it and it does bother me cause I worked my ass off to lose weight and now here I am just gaining it back. I eat healthy and I am still exercising, but the needle keeps on sliding up.....

What kind of car seats should we get that we will get the most use out of? What about strollers that we can have for a few years? What about breastfeeding? What if I can't breastfeed? What kind of bottles should we get? How should we decorate the nursery (cause I found out the other night we have completely opposite ideas of what we should do)?

I can't even think of all the things now....

I am happy to be in the second trimester. The nausea has slowed some and I feel better. I look more like I have been eating donuts heavily instead of looking pregnant, however I do know that once I "look" pregnant, I will look pregnant for a long time!

If I could only relax my mind.

Why do people say these things?

2009-02-19T09:52:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I took my happy self on up to the mall to Mother.hood after deciding that I needed some sleep bras. As I stood there looking at the lacy contraptions, the sales lady asked me if I needed some help. Certainly, I am looking for your MOST comfortable sleep bra that you carry. Oh, are you expecting? Nope, I just like shopping in your overpriced maternity store. "Yes, I am." Oh when are you due? "August but my doctor said I'll probably have them in July cause we are having twins" Hysterical laughter and a slap on my shoulder, followed by "OMG, better you than me cause, one is bad enough, OMG I can't imagine 2!" WTF lady? Ummm.... if that wasn't the only maternity store in a 25 miles radius I would have walked out, but nope I still needed the freaking sleep bra.

I don't get why people feel this urge to laugh or say something when you say you are having twins.

1. Most people don't know what we went through to get these twins, so really I am happy to be pregnant at all, especially with more than one.

2. You having a baby and then getting pregnant and having them 11 months apart is NOT at all like having twins!! You were pregnant twice and didn't have 2 infants born at the same time.

3. It is not "double trouble" or whatever you think of cute.

4. The famous "Better you than me!" Yeah I know- Thank God I am even pregnant!

5. "OMG I don't know how you are going to do it" I will somehow, maybe with less sleep than you!

6. Did you want twins? See #1 and#4

I have not for a second thought that this was going to be easy. I realize twins are going to be some extra work. The thoughts of:

Are we going to be able to pay them both enough attention?

What about feeding them at the same time?

Can we give them both the same amount of time and attention?

Are we going to be able to love them the same?

Is one of them going to feel neglected?

I just don't get why people say these things to you. Usually followed there after with some twin horror story or worse their own labor/birth horror story, like "I ripped and had 22 stitches" or "My breasts became so engorged, it was almost as bad as labor" Or "I had a c-section and I got a horrible staph infection and almost bled out and died" Somehow these things don't make me feel better. I can't figure out why, but it doesn't make me any more relaxed or confident.

I haven't gotten "OMG twins- how exciting. You must be thrilled"!

Second Trimester here I come!!

2009-02-16T10:52:00.002-05:00

The second trimester starts for me tomorrow! Woo Hoo! I am super excited and glad to be out of the "Danger Zone"! In honor of this momentous occasion- here is a belly pic of me at 12 weeks.

I am still able to wear my dress pants (I moved back up in my closet of my "fat clothes" before South Beach entered my life, a big "What Not to Wear" No-No I know) However, my "fat girl" jeans are not comfortable so I am wearing maternity jeans.

My other milestone is that the nausea has subsided alot! My 24 hour a day symptom has diminished alot! I have to admit I am happy about that. Other things are kicking in- like acid reflux and my inability to eat tomatoes. I also borrowed a Doppler from a friend and I was able to hear the babies' heartbeats this morning! That was a wonderful sound! we have our gender u/s scheduled for March 10th! I hope they will cooperate!

Next milestone will be to feel these little babies move!! OMG that will be the most wonderful thing I will ever feel in my life! At least until I get to see them and hold them!

Almost done with the 1st Trimester

2009-02-11T20:27:00.003-05:00

We had another appointment today and got to see the twins. They really have grown and they were so cute in there.

Baby B (on the left) was moving and flipping around. Baby A (on the right obviously) was asleep at first until Baby B kept hitting the membrane and woke up Baby A. Then they were both flipping and moving. Baby B reached up and scratched his/her head! It was so cool that we could see their arms and legs and they were stretching. They wouldn't hold still so the pic isn't clear. I had asked the babies to be still and gave them a pep talk about saying "cheese" for the camera and being still, but they didn't listen. I hope that isn't what I have to look forward to for the next 18 years! Maybe it is cause they can't hear me yet. Hmmmm....

Some of the highlights going on right now, I am 12 wks 1d! Woo Hoo! I am almost done with the 1st trimester. Meaning that the nausea/ All day sickness is slowly diminishing, which is awesome! I am also slowly growing a belly. I am guessing this is probably the last week in my regular clothes, they are getting snug and I refuse to walk around uncomfortable. I am enjoying being pregnant and relishing every second.

Also, my husband is working hard on remodelling our main bathroom. I can't wait for it to be finished! Hopefully after the next 2 weekends it will be fully functional!!

I guess the biggest highlight of the day is that I graduated from the dildo cam to the belly u/s!! I wish they had told me before I sat there naked from the waist down with the paper blanket to cover myself for 45 minutes while we waited for the dr. At least he actually sits down and talks to us and we get a good 20 minutes with him.

So next u/s we should be able to see the sexes!! YAY! I am going to try to blog better as I have gotten some emails about what was going on, I am sorry but I wasn't blogging as I really didn't have anything too exciting going on cause I feel like I went to work, came home, slept to wake up and do it all over again. I figured no one wants to hear that... so I just didn't post. Sorry! Please forgive me!

Its like "Ground Hog Day"

2009-01-28T21:04:00.008-05:00

Babies week 10!

Baby A- doubled in size since last week! WOW! And was doing twirls!! My little dancer!

Baby B- was moving little legs, almost seemed like it was running. How cute!!

And here I am 9 weeks and 4 days. Bobby had to remind me to smile as I felt like vomiting but he said "his children" might not appreciate the "I am about to vomit" face I was making at the time. (I'll remember they are 'his' once they are born and want to be fed and changed every 2 hours during the night- HIS children will want him!! )

I have to admit I am not good at blogging here lately, but it is because I feel like "Ground Hog Day". I wake up, feel nauseous, dry heave some, try to not vomit as I brush my teeth, eat some, try not to vomit, try to poop, feel some indigestion, fart some, yawn excessively, try to poop again, nauseous , eat, try not to vomit, fart some more, yawn some more, eat a snack, go home, pass out on the couch for awhile, eat, feel nauseous, get ready for bed, dry heave as I brush my teeth, and lay in bed and groan and moan until I fall asleep proceeded by wake up during the night numerous times and getting up to pee (at least once), to start my day all over again. I am certainly not bitching or complaining, I am just not very exciting. My silver lining everyday as I dry heave, is that that means those babies are doing well! So I relish my "all day sickness"! I thought the other day about writing a post about what no one tells you about what happens when you are pregnant, but it was a thought and too much energy in getting up and actually typing. So other than growing the twins- I am in Ground Hog Day until at least around Valentine's Day! I hope!

Went back to "regular" Ob- LOVE him!! I go back in 2 more weeks!! He promised me more pics!! I have to admit the pics at Jones are clearer!! But I ain't bitchin'- I love seeing those little hearts beatin' and them babies dancin'!! Off to bed!

Exercising at 9 weeks + 1 day???

2009-01-21T21:08:00.004-05:00

We saw the twins again today! How wonderful to see those little hearts beating! I love it!! And they grew so much we could get them in one u/s pic. Not only did we see the hearts beating, we got to see the babies moving! Yep my little ones were moving- and not only moving- but they appeared to be........ exercising!

Baby A- which I have decided is a girl. Just cause I want her to be. Anyway- she was doing "crunches". My little girl worried about her figure already!! She doesn't realize that at 2.5 cm she has fab abs!

Baby B- which I think is a boy- same reasoning cause I want him to be. I think he is a boy for 2 reasons: 1. he was upside down- seems like a boy thing to do and 2. he was "flexing" his arms like he was in Mr Universe Body Building Competition! Watch out Arnold Schwarzenegger- MY boy is practicing now and he is only 9 weeks old gestational age!!

Actually, seeing them move was amazing!! It was another milestone that is truly amazing and breath taking!

I also got my dismissal from Dr Never Smiles! I am no longer at the RE's- I am a "boring pregnant lady with twins, what else can they do for me?" and "Dr Never Smiles does not deliver babies" . She sent me off with a hug and a kiss and told me to keep them updated and to definitely bring the babies by. So I got the boot- in a good way. However, it does seem like a bad break up. It was bittersweet, "good-bye" to Jones.

I guess now I have to come up with a name for my regular OB, who I love too. He is a good dr, and I think I have a name brewing already. I see him next week- I hope he does an u/s next week too!! I am spoiled! But I LOVE seeing those twins!!

News spreads like Wildfires around here....

2009-01-15T22:54:00.002-05:00

So not long after my u/s, I swear the whole world knew I was having twins- I know I posted it on here so the world did know, but I am seriously getting phone calls from people leaving me messages like "I heard your good news, call me!" "I heard through the grapevine you've got a secret". I mean I did tell the world on my blog but I really had tried to keep it on the down low in "real life" as I am not through my first trimester yet and I am paranoid. I feel like I haven't even gotten to really enjoy my news cause now I have to call and say "who did you hear that from?" and then to find out it isn't someone that I told, but someone who told someone who heard it from their grandmother's sister's husband's second cousin's niece twice removed.

The bad part of it is that it is mainly my Mom. I mean I know she is overly excited to have twins and be a grandmother again and for all I know Bobby's parents are doing the same thing, but they don't live in the same state so I am not getting voice mails telling me they already know my news but to call them anyway! It just annoys the piss out of me that I can't even tell "our" news myself. I mean Bobby and I are the ones that are pregnant. We are the ones that went through the treatments and ups and downs and being poked and prodded and someone telling us when to "be intimate", I mean our private life was no longer private. I know my family and his family too in their own way had the roller coaster ride with us. But damn- I just wanted to have my own little 'secret' for awhile and just adjust on my own and after week 13 THEN let the news spread!

Is this rant my own little HCG hormone thing? Or is it legitimate? Do I have the right to be annoyed? I know everyone is excited for us, but is waiting through the first trimester that hard?

Oh and I read on a couple of the blogs I follow that it is De-Lurker week. So leave me a comment! I only bite if you ask nicely... and I know you don't have any blood borne diseases!!

And then there were 2....

2009-01-09T13:12:00.002-05:00

That's right ladies and gentlemen.... we have TWINS! We are in totally shock and amazement. We saw and heard the BEST thing ever today- HEARTBEATS! It was music to my soul- I just literally laid there and cried. Baby A had a heartbeat of 164 and Baby B had 158. I have never seen heartbeats or heard them before.... well not being pregnant. We are just over the moon to have 2 healthy babies.

I was so excited I came home and puked my guts up. Actually, Dr Smiles had to call me in a script for an anti-nausea med as I couldn't keep water down. So there you have it.....

TWINS!!!! WOW!

Hormones make you crazy!

2009-01-04T20:16:00.003-05:00

I now know that I officially have some crazy ass pregnant hormones going on. Not only could I not fathom the energy to get out of my pj's today (not that I am complaining as my 2 week vacation is ending) and I sat around and watched chick flicks all day. To top it off I have started crying when watching commercials.

Of all things a insurance commercial got me. It is of a couple in the hospital and they just had a baby and the dad picks the baby up out of the hospital bassinet thingy and is talking about how "when you get to that place where that little bundle of joy means its not just about me anymore- I am there"

Awwww... That's me. That's what I want. I want my hubby to pick our baby up and feel that kind of emotion. I want our baby to have a healthy heart beat on Friday. I just want a healthy baby in my arms. I want my baby to smile at me.

Damn...

They got me, stupid commercial making me all goofy and gooberfied.

My thoughts

2008-12-30T21:19:00.010-05:00

In the past 2 weeks, I have had some people say somethings to me- alluding to the fact that I am not 100% happy about being pregnant and that I am taking this pregnancy for granted or bitching about my body or things I can no longer do. Plus, some others no longer want to be "friends" because I am pregnant and they are not YET. So I feel weird even having to write this post but I feel that I need to get some feelings off of my chest- whether or not these people ever know that they have "hurt" my feelings, plus I am not carrying around anymore stress or taking it with me into a new year.

In the beginning (April 2007), I came off the pill thinking I would be pregnant in no time. It did take a few months but I did get pregnant. I even got to see my "blob" but no heart beat cause my dr said it "was possibly too early but I am concerned as the baby is a little small for where you should be". I should have known then but I continued on in my ignorant bliss buying gifts for my baby and maternity clothes. Happily gaining weight and rubbing my belly only to go in 4 weeks later to have no heartbeat, and Bobby and I got to "decide" how to end the pregnancy (D&C, do it at home with some med, or do it naturally). I did get pregnant again pretty quickly, only not have the beta number go up and I sat around for 2+ weeks waiting for my body to simultaneously miscarry. So I got to experience another D&C. I got to add some more scar tissue to my cervix and possibly making it "harder" for me to get pregnant, just what I needed. Plus, I got to grieve for 2 babies that I will never get to hold, kiss, see grow up, get married, etc. Through this my Ob thought that we had "bad luck" and sent me home with some progesterone suppositories cause "it couldn't hurt" since all my blood work came back normal. So when he saw the cysts and diagnosed me with PCOS he was probably more shocked than I was.

Anyway, I digressed. I am so excited to be pregnant after waiting and trying so hard. I was very aggressive with my treatments- ready to move on, if that's what it meant to get me to the means faster, even after only a few attempts with each different med or even having surgery. However, right now- I am also scared shitless that I could miscarry again. I have become the inspector of the toilet paper- constantly looking to make sure I am not bleeding. Every time I feel something I run to the bathroom to make sure it wasn't blood. Every cramp I feel, stops me in my tracks. I can't sleep at night from the anxiety (probably mixed with the hormones and having to pee). I am SO afraid that when we go in on January 9th for our u/s that Bobby and I will be faced yet again with a baby(ies) with no heartbeat. I don't want people to feel bad for me, just understand that until I am holding my baby in my arms- I will live with some type of fear of it being ripped away from me. Cause in my 20 months of TTC, I got to read all about m/cs and late m/cs and early labor and babies dying in utero. Then I have to worry about birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities. Thanks Google. I would rather just be ignorant and go through this like nothing could go wrong. Instead I get to analyze every twinge, cramp, CM, nausea episode or lack there of. I wanted to be pregnant and I am NOT taking this for granted as I know what a miracle it is to ever get to be pregnant. I have been a big cheerleader for so many that I know "in real life" and for those of you who are my on-line buds. And I will continue to do so until ALL the people I care about are holding their precious babies in their arms.

On that note- I wish everyone ALL the happiness that I can muster for a wonderful and "fruitful" 2009! Happy New Year!! 2009 is going to be awesome!

After the Holidays Blues

2008-12-29T11:38:00.004-05:00

After the Holidays, I am always a little blue. I don't know why, but I am. The presents are all unwrapped and the champagne has been drunk. Which maybe that is why I am sad- no Mimosas for me. I did have some virgin Mimosas with my in-laws- just not quite the same. But it was at least nice to drink out of the bar glasses. I also toasted the holiday with my wine glass full of milk! Woo Hoo! I also spend most of the holiday in the bathroom- either peeing or dry heaving. I am NOT complaining, but I think I missed some valuable time with the family. Oh well, my mom and his parents are so excited. My mom will be a grandmother again, but this will be Bobby's parents first grandchild so they are beside themselves.

So after feeling a little sad- I decided to have my hubby take my first belly pics. Boy, am I sorry I had him do that. I even did it in the morning after getting up and before I put anything in there so I would be at maximum thinness. Then I looked at them- WTF? I thought I had lost 53 lbs! OMG- ughh! It's enough to make me want to go eat all the candy that was in my stocking. I don't know what I was thinking and it isn't like I can go on a diet. If you already feel like shit- why torture yourself some more? I am a glutton for punishment I guess or as my pic shows maybe just a glutton. So here it is- my first belly shot in all it's glory:

I hope I didn't make you throw up in your mouth! Sorry if I did. Happy New Year! 2009 is going to be a good year!

Holy Moly!!

2008-12-22T14:48:00.004-05:00

So after a weekend of feeling that I would not carry this pregnancy to term and that I was going to have one of the shittiest Christmases of all time. At least I could spend the next few days in a drunken haze at my in laws and there would be no judgement anyway. I went for blood work at the Jones Inst this morning- I have never been so nervous for blood work or going there for an appointment ever. I have a friend who was nice enough to go with me (here's my shout out to you-sista) and she really helped keep my mind off things .

On my way home the nurse called me. I could hear it in her voice. "Courtney, I got your blood work back and I checked 4 times before I showed it to Dr Never Smiles and called you- it is 7,655!". I almost wrecked I had to pull over- I asked at least 5 times was she sure it was mine and was assured it was! She said she had been very worried about me all weekend cause sounded like I had given up.

My u/s is January 9th. Oh- btw- I WON'T be having any spirits at my in laws for Christmas but that's A-ok with me!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2nd Beat draw

2008-12-19T16:21:00.002-05:00

I really can't muster the energy or the thought into this so it will be short. The number went from 285 to 498 in 4 days. It didn't double like it should so now we wait- wait until Monday for another draw. Dr Never Smiles told me we have a 50/50 shot, she has seen everything and yes it is possible we will know more Monday. I am heartbroken and saddened. I don't even know what to say... I am trying to have faith but it is really hard right now. I need some prayers for a healthy pregnancy.

1st Beta draw

2008-12-16T22:16:00.002-05:00

That's right- 285 at 13 dpo! Progesterone was 45. Nurse said they were "excellent"! WOO HOO!

I did freak out yesterday and today cause I started spotting last night and then some this morning. I called and spoke to a nurse (not nurse Beth who is on vacation for 2 weeks, wth?? she is missing my BFP) Anyway, she said spotting was normal and given my history of miscarriage they put me on "pelvic rest" and light exercise. I decided to fore go exercise right now. Which is hard for me but a baby is WAY more important than a few days of exercise.

So aside from freaking the hell out- I am moving right along. Next Beta draw Friday.

Any bets on what it might be?

(By the way- the sign is for you my GA gals)

When I least expected it!!!!

2008-12-14T18:39:00.003-05:00

I am pregnant! I can't believe it. Can you?

I had finally decided that we would do another round of the Follistim and then go back on bc pills for awhile and do IVF with ICSI this summer. I was a peace with that and was kinda going to go through the motions.

I also thought I was ABSOLUTELY not pregnant- no "signs" whatsoever really. So low and behold- It was "when I least expected it!!"

Believe It or Not!

2008-12-07T21:47:00.016-05:00

So a couple of wonderful people, including my mother, sent me an article from our local paper encouraging me to go touch:

Well..... need I say more.

SO... we took a break while Christmas shopping to touch these statues in the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum in the neighboring city. Yep, that is me touching the king's penis and Bobby grabbing the queen's boob (in the hopes to make me jealous that he grabbed some else's boobs)! If his grabbing some statue's boobs would get me pregnant than I am ALL for it! We then switched and I touched the queen and baby and he touched the king (but not on the penis). We then rubbed them both simultaneously and hopefully it helps us succeed in getting pregnant. We bought the pamphlet about the statues and read them at the restaurant with my mom and sister. I figured we could save that for our babies to see how much we really wanted them.

I have officially now tried EVERYTHING to get pregnant- from old wives tales to fertility specialists to shooting myself up with injectable meds to touching African fertility statues! I BELIEVE something has to work!!

I guess we shall see if it worked... I believe it can! Only 9 more days to see if it helped this month. If I get a BFP- was it the drugs, the Jones Institute and Dr Never Smiles or the Legendary Fertility Statues or a combo of it all?? Hmmm.....

What do you think?

Just for Fun...

2008-12-02T22:12:00.009-05:00

"You have to talk to your pee pee. Pee pee I know you are in there and I want you to come out."

If you guess the movie you win- what I don't know but something- like maybe a certificate that says you watch a lot of movies or a ... I don't know I am out of ideas.

I tried to find clip but I couldn't find one. Can you guess?

OK- times up.... It is from Look who's talking 2 when Mikey is talking to the other little boy about going to the potty.

I decided to talk to my pee pee. I have discovered the culprit in me not getting a BFP- it is MY PEE PEE! Yep that is right, my pee pee is keeping me from getting a BFP. Since I keep peeing on HPTs for months and BFNs. So it MUST be the pee pee, it is not the fact that every month there is ONLY a 20% chance of getting pregnant since I am taking an ass load of medicine and my stomach looks like it belongs on a heroin addict or because I pay $250 a cycle to have an IUI or have doctors who SPECIALIZE in reproduction INSTRUCTING me on when to have timed intercourse . So I decided it HAS to be "my pee pee".

I decided after a GOOD talking to my pee pee, I checked my pee pee out to see if it would betray me again. So I peed on a HPT for fun... why you say? Why not? I had just taken my HCG trigger so I KNEW it would have to be a BFP! So I did.. I peed on it and I hopped in the shower. And when I got out- lo and behold... it was a positive pregnancy test. Now I KNOW I am NOT pregnant, but I wanted to see if my pee pee could make a + hpt. I am NOT completely out of touch with reality- I know that I am not pregnant. But it has been a long time since I had seen 2 lines so I figured- what the hell... I have that bag of hpts I bought off Ebay ( good deal I got 20 FR hpts for $4.98 INCLUDING S&H -Hot damn!) So what is that - $0.20 or so worth of fun! It was pretty cool cause it worked- MY pee pee CAN make a hpt positive!

I did show it to Bobby and he looked at me like I was crazy.

I did my IUI today- pretty uneventful normal IUI thing, except I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to go since his appointment was at 7:30 am and mine at 9 and the RE is an hour away! But we made it and I am inseminated! So test date is 12-16-08... stay tuned. On to the torture of the progesterone! Woo Hoo!

Anyway, I thought I would share that IF you talk to your pee pee it can become a BFP!! Just try! It was the only thing I haven't tried in this whole TTC process. So now my pee pee HAS to give me a BFP on the 16th!

What happened?

2008-11-30T11:52:00.002-05:00

Bobby and I went to the Jones Institute yesterday for a Follie scan and blood work.

When we went on Weds there were 3 eggs. Yesterday, there were 2 good ones. WTF? What happened? Where did the other one go? Makes me a little nervous.... they had extended my Follistim on Wednesday when I called to get my dosage and changed my appointment time from Friday to Saturday. Then yesterday to have "lost" an egg... how does that happen? And they weren't much bigger. Each ovary has one follicle- which is different for me cause usually my left ovary doesn't do anything. But I have a 17mm on my right and 15 mm on my left.

I know it only takes one, but still. This cycle is making me nervous.

Trigger shot tonight... IUI on Tuesday. I need something cause I am not feeling very confident this month.

I have had some moments cause last Thanksgiving I got a BFP- this year STILL ttc a baby. UGHH! I got pregnant two times on my own and now since the miscarriages and starting fertility treatments- NOTHING! I don't get how this is so hard for some and really easy for others. Enough of my ranting....

I hope this cycle that seems to be falling apart will work.

1, 2, 3....

2008-11-26T11:40:00.003-05:00

I went this morning and had my Follie scan and blood work. I have 3 nice eggs growing in there. Two of them were 11mm and one 12.5 mm. I come back early from our trip to my in laws for a Follie scan and b/w on Friday. We will see what's going on then- IUI Monday?! I am off to NC!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am so excited! No South Beach for me that day!

Wee....

2008-11-23T20:40:00.010-05:00

Well here we go again....

Bobby and I went to the Jones Institute on Friday for CD 3 (even though it was CD 2) u/s and blood work. Round 2 of Follistim began last night- this cycle on the study I am strictly doing Follistim injections... no Ganirelix!

Bobby had a dentist appointment earlier that morning and had gotten some bad news from the dentist. He is slowly losing the bone mass in his jaw... so slowly but surely he will lose his molars. Nice. That's just great. He needs to go see a periodontist. So he was all gloom and doom.

So he thinks all doctors are full of bad news and if they aren't giving you bad news, they are pumping you full of hope and get you full of excitement and belief it can happen until you take a pregnancy test and it is a BFN. He even called this an "emotional roller coaster". Nice. Dear that is how I have felt for the last 19 months. Crazy. 19 months- WOW!

My visit with the u/s showed 6 follicles developing- crazy considering I wasn't taking any meds at that moment. They were all small- a 6mm follicle and the rest were 5. But there were 2 on my left ovary- which is odd as that ovary doesn't ever do shit. It just sits there- what it's exact function is I haven't found out yet. Cause neither ovary has made a viable egg yet that wanted to implant and make us become a family.

So yet again... maybe this month! Fingers crossed.. prayers going up.... shots going in...and I am going to "relax" cause now that I "least expect it"- I am thinking this could be it.

I do have to say I love my hubby! He sent my mom and me off to Blacksburg to watch my Hokies play football against Duke. It was cold- 29 degrees at kickoff. Woo Hoo! All I can say is Thank God they won! At least it made it worth sitting out there!

The results are....

2008-11-16T09:04:00.003-05:00

Different month... same freaking results! Don't know why I would have thought it would be different! Actually, I already knew the result was going to be as such... but I still held out hope it would throw me for a loop.

I don't really know what is next since I have never been on these meds before. I don't know if I have to take a break to rest the ole poly cystic ovaries or if we get to go ahead and inject myself with some more high powered hormones. I don't know- I guess I will call Nurse Beth tomorrow.

BTW- I didn't even shed a tear. Guess I am becoming immune!

I did it!!!

2008-11-12T16:13:00.005-05:00

I lost 50 lbs!!! I did it!! I met my goal before I got pregnant!

I hopped on the scale this morning and that little device that has been my nemesis for years showed me one pound less making it a total of 50 lbs!! I have a friend that sent me an email with pics of ground beef when I lost 18 lbs and told me to think about my weight loss in terms of that. So then I thought of picking up 50lbs of ground beef at the store and wow- what a porker!! It would almost fill up your cart- I was carrying around enough extra weight to be equivalent to a kindergartner. Holy Shit what a porker!

Here's a pic of me at Thanksgiving with my niece/god daughter (Isn't she a cutey?) I on the other hand, look like a fat cow! When I saw this pic after Thanksgiving- I hardly recognized myself.

This is me last week with my cute little doggy by my side!

I am so excited I just had to share! So my body HAS to be ready for a baby or babies now! My doctor said Lose weight to increase your chances of getting pregnant- Done! I do feel a TON better and I think I am physically in the best shape of my adult life.

I know some of you thought' "She got her BFP" or "She's got her quads"! Nope- I am NOT testing early! That will wait until Sunday. It has been a GOOD week so far *fingers crossed*!