Monday, November 2, 2009

Honestly.....

Well before I get to my "real" post- here's some pics of the girls on their 1st Halloween.




"The Fam" (all I see is the inter tube of fat around my waist aka muffin top)



Girls with the pumpkins




Scary Ghost Lara and Spooky Spider Kristin

So this has been a long time coming.

I haven't been as good at posting since the girls were born because of alot of things. But mainly because I feel like I would be lying. Lying to you because of all the emotions I have had since I gave birth.

Honestly, since I have had the girls, I no longer feel like myself. I have lost a part of myself because of all the stuff going on. First, giving birth and the aftermath of having twins is the hardest thing I have ever done. After I delivered the girls vaginally, I had "things" to deal with. Mostly dealing with what goes on in the delivery room, the stuff we all knows happens but it is hard to take when it is you. It took me a few weeks to get over that.

Secondly, I underestimated how hard parenthood is. I didn't realize the sacrifices and how EXHAUSTING it is. At first, the lack of sleep and the weeks of having a few hours makes "Courtney think she is going crazy". I hear the girls crying even when they aren't crying, makes you wonder if I am going crazy, huh? Maybe a little postpartum depression??? I think so.... or not, maybe it is the lack of husband support.

Third, my husband and I are having ALOT of issues. I don't think we are on the same page. I feel like he doesn't so shit to help me. He has worked more overtime since the girls have been born than he has ever in his life. When my hubby works overtime he is gone for 72 hours straight, his normal shifts are 24 hours long, so overtime makes him be gone 3 days in a row. That's 3 days and 3 nights!!! Try doing that with twins alone! I did and it made me be a really ugly person. Then when he did come home, he did everything but be inside helping me. He has started to mow the neighbor's lawn too. He tore down our sun room to build the girls a playroom... cause really they need a playroom now, right? Seriously?? He never once came home after being gone for 24 hours, let alone 72 hours, and said "Honey, I realize you have been alone with them for "blank number of" hours. I got this. Take a shower or a nap, I see you are in the same clothes that you were in when I left "blank number of" days ago, here let me help you". After a huge screaming match- we came to a decision- he thinks I am ungrateful and crazy and I think he doesn't do shit to help me and that we will never have sex until he does. How's that?

Not to mentions that Kristin has Colic. She was having 4 crying/screaming episodes a day, lasting anywhere from 30 mins to 4 hours. GOOD TIMES!!!Wear that hat for days in a row. It was enough to make the Pope lose his shit and curse.

Put all that together and lack of sleep and feeling like I was "alone" and it makes for a pretty miserable person. In the middle of all that, Bobby wanted to take Reese to the vet and discuss "quality of life". I went and basically said that I wasn't putting the dog down anytime soon. Some days he is the only thing in the house that kept me from losing my shit.

It is getting better around the house- except Bobby still thinks he does more than the average man in helping with the babies- but I think it has more to do with the fact that I went back to work and I feel "normal". I may not be sleeping all the way through the night yet, but I like being out in "the real world". I am NOT Stay at Home Mom material, I am proud to admit that I am woman enough to admit that that is not a good thing for me. I look forward to picking the girls up from the sitter (who I was friends with in high school and her mom was my cheerleading coach in Rec league), so I don't feel guilty leaving them either. Being back at work makes me appreciate the time I do spend with them. I can handle Kristin's colic episodes better and that makes me feel like a better mom. Cause I wasn't feeling like I was a good one for the whole time they had been on this Earth.

So anyway, that's how I felt and I am sorry. But I felt like you needed an explanation on why I couldn't write about how wonderful everything was, cause for me it wasn't. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be pregnant and both were not what I thought it would be like... made me feel guilty and shitty about myself. I started thinking- maybe that was why I was "infertile" in the first place, maybe God knew I'd be a shitty ass mom and I fucked with it by going and getting pregnant.

Whatever it may be, I am glad to have my girls and everyday they amaze me. They are certainly the cutest things I ever made!

4 comments:

Kate said...

I know it's been hard, but you ARE a good mother! You are a fabulous woman, mother and friend. Love you!

Kerri said...

Although I haven't had twins. I KNOW first hand how hard motherhood was. I was a single mom with my first and reading your post brought back so many (not so fond) memories. I felt exactly the same way. Just rememeber Court that you are a WONDERFUL mother, a STRONG woman, a GREAT friend and above all your HUMAN!!! You are truly blessed to have those two wonderful little girls and it will get easier...Love you..

Dawn said...

Courtney hon you do NOT have to be perfect, no one expects you to be :-) Motherhood is THE hardest job on this earth, I don't care what ANYONE says! As for Bobby, men are CLUELESS. They have NO idea what we go through and sometime I don't think they even care because it's not them. There were times when Aiden would just scream for no apparent reason and it got to me so much that I had to step away and leave the room to calm myself. I think I speak for everyone when I say I just wish you hadn't felt like you had to hide all of this so we could have given you some support. You are a wonderful mother and no you did NOT mess up anything by getting pregnant, God gave those little girls because God wanted you to have them. Hang in there Courtney, and please PLEASE if you need to talk, vent or ANYTHING at all we're all here for you *hugs*

AmyC623 said...

Oh Courtney! That was probably the most honest post I've ever read. I am glad you got that out and off your chest. You are doing a FABULOUS job and I am glad that you can be honest with yourself about how your feeling and honest with the blogosphere too. I PROMISE that it will get easier and I am so glad that you are feeling better now that you're back at work. Thank you for sharing all of that with us. I think the reality of motherhood is something we all need to remember through our haze of idyllic baby dreams. Your honesty just proves how much you rock even more :) (((BIG HUGS)))