Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My thoughts

In the past 2 weeks, I have had some people say somethings to me- alluding to the fact that I am not 100% happy about being pregnant and that I am taking this pregnancy for granted or bitching about my body or things I can no longer do. Plus, some others no longer want to be "friends" because I am pregnant and they are not YET. So I feel weird even having to write this post but I feel that I need to get some feelings off of my chest- whether or not these people ever know that they have "hurt" my feelings, plus I am not carrying around anymore stress or taking it with me into a new year.

In the beginning (April 2007), I came off the pill thinking I would be pregnant in no time. It did take a few months but I did get pregnant. I even got to see my "blob" but no heart beat cause my dr said it "was possibly too early but I am concerned as the baby is a little small for where you should be". I should have known then but I continued on in my ignorant bliss buying gifts for my baby and maternity clothes. Happily gaining weight and rubbing my belly only to go in 4 weeks later to have no heartbeat, and Bobby and I got to "decide" how to end the pregnancy (D&C, do it at home with some med, or do it naturally). I did get pregnant again pretty quickly, only not have the beta number go up and I sat around for 2+ weeks waiting for my body to simultaneously miscarry. So I got to experience another D&C. I got to add some more scar tissue to my cervix and possibly making it "harder" for me to get pregnant, just what I needed. Plus, I got to grieve for 2 babies that I will never get to hold, kiss, see grow up, get married, etc. Through this my Ob thought that we had "bad luck" and sent me home with some progesterone suppositories cause "it couldn't hurt" since all my blood work came back normal. So when he saw the cysts and diagnosed me with PCOS he was probably more shocked than I was.

Anyway, I digressed. I am so excited to be pregnant after waiting and trying so hard. I was very aggressive with my treatments- ready to move on, if that's what it meant to get me to the means faster, even after only a few attempts with each different med or even having surgery. However, right now- I am also scared shitless that I could miscarry again. I have become the inspector of the toilet paper- constantly looking to make sure I am not bleeding. Every time I feel something I run to the bathroom to make sure it wasn't blood. Every cramp I feel, stops me in my tracks. I can't sleep at night from the anxiety (probably mixed with the hormones and having to pee). I am SO afraid that when we go in on January 9th for our u/s that Bobby and I will be faced yet again with a baby(ies) with no heartbeat. I don't want people to feel bad for me, just understand that until I am holding my baby in my arms- I will live with some type of fear of it being ripped away from me. Cause in my 20 months of TTC, I got to read all about m/cs and late m/cs and early labor and babies dying in utero. Then I have to worry about birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities. Thanks Google. I would rather just be ignorant and go through this like nothing could go wrong. Instead I get to analyze every twinge, cramp, CM, nausea episode or lack there of. I wanted to be pregnant and I am NOT taking this for granted as I know what a miracle it is to ever get to be pregnant. I have been a big cheerleader for so many that I know "in real life" and for those of you who are my on-line buds. And I will continue to do so until ALL the people I care about are holding their precious babies in their arms.

On that note- I wish everyone ALL the happiness that I can muster for a wonderful and "fruitful" 2009! Happy New Year!! 2009 is going to be awesome!

Monday, December 29, 2008

After the Holidays Blues

After the Holidays, I am always a little blue. I don't know why, but I am. The presents are all unwrapped and the champagne has been drunk. Which maybe that is why I am sad- no Mimosas for me. I did have some virgin Mimosas with my in-laws- just not quite the same. But it was at least nice to drink out of the bar glasses. I also toasted the holiday with my wine glass full of milk! Woo Hoo! I also spend most of the holiday in the bathroom- either peeing or dry heaving. I am NOT complaining, but I think I missed some valuable time with the family. Oh well, my mom and his parents are so excited. My mom will be a grandmother again, but this will be Bobby's parents first grandchild so they are beside themselves.

So after feeling a little sad- I decided to have my hubby take my first belly pics. Boy, am I sorry I had him do that. I even did it in the morning after getting up and before I put anything in there so I would be at maximum thinness. Then I looked at them- WTF? I thought I had lost 53 lbs! OMG- ughh! It's enough to make me want to go eat all the candy that was in my stocking. I don't know what I was thinking and it isn't like I can go on a diet. If you already feel like shit- why torture yourself some more? I am a glutton for punishment I guess or as my pic shows maybe just a glutton. So here it is- my first belly shot in all it's glory:

I hope I didn't make you throw up in your mouth! Sorry if I did. Happy New Year! 2009 is going to be a good year!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Holy Moly!!

So after a weekend of feeling that I would not carry this pregnancy to term and that I was going to have one of the shittiest Christmases of all time. At least I could spend the next few days in a drunken haze at my in laws and there would be no judgement anyway. I went for blood work at the Jones Inst this morning- I have never been so nervous for blood work or going there for an appointment ever. I have a friend who was nice enough to go with me (here's my shout out to you-sista) and she really helped keep my mind off things .
On my way home the nurse called me. I could hear it in her voice. "Courtney, I got your blood work back and I checked 4 times before I showed it to Dr Never Smiles and called you- it is 7,655!". I almost wrecked I had to pull over- I asked at least 5 times was she sure it was mine and was assured it was! She said she had been very worried about me all weekend cause sounded like I had given up.
My u/s is January 9th. Oh- btw- I WON'T be having any spirits at my in laws for Christmas but that's A-ok with me!

Friday, December 19, 2008

2nd Beat draw

I really can't muster the energy or the thought into this so it will be short. The number went from 285 to 498 in 4 days. It didn't double like it should so now we wait- wait until Monday for another draw. Dr Never Smiles told me we have a 50/50 shot, she has seen everything and yes it is possible we will know more Monday. I am heartbroken and saddened. I don't even know what to say... I am trying to have faith but it is really hard right now. I need some prayers for a healthy pregnancy.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

1st Beta draw

That's right- 285 at 13 dpo! Progesterone was 45. Nurse said they were "excellent"! WOO HOO!
I did freak out yesterday and today cause I started spotting last night and then some this morning. I called and spoke to a nurse (not nurse Beth who is on vacation for 2 weeks, wth?? she is missing my BFP) Anyway, she said spotting was normal and given my history of miscarriage they put me on "pelvic rest" and light exercise. I decided to fore go exercise right now. Which is hard for me but a baby is WAY more important than a few days of exercise.
So aside from freaking the hell out- I am moving right along. Next Beta draw Friday.
Any bets on what it might be?
(By the way- the sign is for you my GA gals)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

When I least expected it!!!!

I am pregnant! I can't believe it. Can you?

I had finally decided that we would do another round of the Follistim and then go back on bc pills for awhile and do IVF with ICSI this summer. I was a peace with that and was kinda going to go through the motions.

I also thought I was ABSOLUTELY not pregnant- no "signs" whatsoever really. So low and behold- It was "when I least expected it!!"

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Believe It or Not!

So a couple of wonderful people, including my mother, sent me an article from our local paper encouraging me to go touch:

Well..... need I say more.

SO... we took a break while Christmas shopping to touch these statues in the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum in the neighboring city. Yep, that is me touching the king's penis and Bobby grabbing the queen's boob (in the hopes to make me jealous that he grabbed some else's boobs)! If his grabbing some statue's boobs would get me pregnant than I am ALL for it! We then switched and I touched the queen and baby and he touched the king (but not on the penis). We then rubbed them both simultaneously and hopefully it helps us succeed in getting pregnant. We bought the pamphlet about the statues and read them at the restaurant with my mom and sister. I figured we could save that for our babies to see how much we really wanted them.
I have officially now tried EVERYTHING to get pregnant- from old wives tales to fertility specialists to shooting myself up with injectable meds to touching African fertility statues! I BELIEVE something has to work!!
I guess we shall see if it worked... I believe it can! Only 9 more days to see if it helped this month. If I get a BFP- was it the drugs, the Jones Institute and Dr Never Smiles or the Legendary Fertility Statues or a combo of it all?? Hmmm.....
What do you think?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Just for Fun...

"You have to talk to your pee pee. Pee pee I know you are in there and I want you to come out."

If you guess the movie you win- what I don't know but something- like maybe a certificate that says you watch a lot of movies or a ... I don't know I am out of ideas.

I tried to find clip but I couldn't find one. Can you guess?

OK- times up.... It is from Look who's talking 2 when Mikey is talking to the other little boy about going to the potty.

I decided to talk to my pee pee. I have discovered the culprit in me not getting a BFP- it is MY PEE PEE! Yep that is right, my pee pee is keeping me from getting a BFP. Since I keep peeing on HPTs for months and BFNs. So it MUST be the pee pee, it is not the fact that every month there is ONLY a 20% chance of getting pregnant since I am taking an ass load of medicine and my stomach looks like it belongs on a heroin addict or because I pay $250 a cycle to have an IUI or have doctors who SPECIALIZE in reproduction INSTRUCTING me on when to have timed intercourse . So I decided it HAS to be "my pee pee".
I decided after a GOOD talking to my pee pee, I checked my pee pee out to see if it would betray me again. So I peed on a HPT for fun... why you say? Why not? I had just taken my HCG trigger so I KNEW it would have to be a BFP! So I did.. I peed on it and I hopped in the shower. And when I got out- lo and behold... it was a positive pregnancy test. Now I KNOW I am NOT pregnant, but I wanted to see if my pee pee could make a + hpt. I am NOT completely out of touch with reality- I know that I am not pregnant. But it has been a long time since I had seen 2 lines so I figured- what the hell... I have that bag of hpts I bought off Ebay ( good deal I got 20 FR hpts for $4.98 INCLUDING S&H -Hot damn!) So what is that - $0.20 or so worth of fun! It was pretty cool cause it worked- MY pee pee CAN make a hpt positive!
I did show it to Bobby and he looked at me like I was crazy.
I did my IUI today- pretty uneventful normal IUI thing, except I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to go since his appointment was at 7:30 am and mine at 9 and the RE is an hour away! But we made it and I am inseminated! So test date is 12-16-08... stay tuned. On to the torture of the progesterone! Woo Hoo!
Anyway, I thought I would share that IF you talk to your pee pee it can become a BFP!! Just try! It was the only thing I haven't tried in this whole TTC process. So now my pee pee HAS to give me a BFP on the 16th!