Friday, September 26, 2008

Time is all I've Got

I am in such a better mood today than I have been this week. Yesterday, Debbie (the scheduling lady at Jones) called to set up my surgery date. Mind you she gave me an attitude on Wed when I told her Nov 12th wasn't going to work that was almost 2 months away! She then informed me that "well honey, no one wants to wait". No shit lady, we are all trying to have a baby- who wants to wait anymore than we already do all month long? Thanks for the update- I didn't know that no one likes to wait- I guess I still need to work on that patience thing. I'll put that on my To Do List along with Get Pregnant.

Yesterday, she called me and left a message on my cell phone and sounded annoyed that I didn't answer her call- hello I am a teacher can't answer my cell in the middle of the day! Duh. Anyway, she left me a message in a very annoyed tone that Dr Never Smiles told her to schedule my surgery for next week or the following week! Ha, I told you 2 months was too long to wait! So it is scheduled for Oct 7th at 6:30 am (they didn't ask me if that was a good time since they obviously don't know that I am NOT a morning person)! But I will be there with bells and whistles, well more like just showered and teeth brushed since it will be the butt crack of dawn! When I called her back she wasn't at here desk and instead of sounding annoyed, I left her the sweetest message ever about how I appreciated her hard work in getting me a date for surgery that was earlier, blah blah blah. When she called me back- her attitude had changed. You do get more with honey than vinegar!! I did learn something from my mom!

Surgery scheduled at 6:30 am Oct 7th!! Which is only a couple days after my dreaded bday! Oh well! Other than that- nothing new here except I am enjoying only taking a few pills this month- even if 1 is a bc pill!

Oh, I forgot to tell you- I made Dr Never Smiles laugh!! Yes laugh!! Her and her nurse laughed at my comments! Mission accomplished at Jones- well half way- they still need to get me pregnant!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

One more Obstacle to Overcome

This is me- trying to climb the TTC mountain just to have a little baby to hold!! So far there have been no stairs to help me for even a minute!! Nothing has been handed to me- so I know that I will only love this child (or children) I receive all the more!! (Trying to be positive)
I went yesterday to the RE and we discussed my HSG. I see what she saw and I understand now. I thought when they showed it to me the day of the HSG that one side looked different than the other, but who am I to question? They are the professionals in this area. The HSG was performed by a fellow and she did say that the tubes were "all clear", which is correct. She did not discuss the shape of my uterus though and did say that Dr Never Smiles would take a look at it though and review it with me. I should have know then. I digressed again.... so Dr Never Smiles showed me where the top right portion of my uterus is "asymmetrical". She is very considered and wants to know what is making the protrusion, me too btw. She is wondering if that is what is causing the m/cs as well as us not implanting. She did an super long u/s and since I am having AF (Aunt Flo or menstruation) and the uterine lining is very thin, it is hard to see what is going on. She did find some Fibroids there and is kinda certain that those might be culprits. I will have the Laparoscopy and the Hysteroscopy sometime in the next few weeks.
I pulled out my tears and said the scheduling lady said Dr Never Smiles wasn't available until Nov. 12. And she was like, "I'll take care of that!" YAY for tears! I questioned the whole- what if my body decides to O (ovulate) on it's own this month? Dr Never Smiles said it would be ok, I said do we really want a chance of that if we don't know what is going on? So she said "Do you want bc pills?" I asked if it would affect the injectables timing after the surgery and she said no.I also don't want a long ass cycle which can and would happen to me with PCOS. I started BC pills last night!! I know it sounds weird but it will give me a month to get myself together and give me a break before we TTC again. Need I remind you that I hate PCOS??
So new issue- Fibroids! I would have never guessed or imagined that! I am hoping through all of this that I am getting one step closer to having a baby (or babies). I have my fingers crossed for a surgery in the next 28 days- (bc pills gotta love knowing it will be on time) and then a "clean bill of health" for my new uterus and freshly hormoned ovaries. Not terribly bad news yesterday, not good news either, but I am taking it all in stride. After the surgery then I am hoping that means a BABY!
I am offically on a TTC break- well kinda! At least a mental health break! During this time I am going to focus on "relaxing" and "not trying" maybe next month well be pregnant!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Move ahead 1 space- Gottcha, Go back 2 spaces!

Move on to Follistim- Oh never mind, you need surgery. Take 2 steps back! SORRY! My TTC journey is fucking SORRY!
The HSG that 2 doctors told me was normal is not so fucking normal now. Could possibly be the reason for the 2 miscarriages as well as why we aren't getting pregnant. Oh, but when they showed me the video after the HSG I was told everything looked good. Now that it is time to move on, now I am hearing that after we spent money on an IUI that wasn't going to work anyway. That's just great!!
I go to the dr today anyway for an end of cycle u/s and to discuss this new development. And, boy do I have some questions!! Like why was I told to go ahead with an IUI that was going to fail? Why am I being told now that it is abnormal? Is this a physician discrepancy? Is the surgery really needed and/or how beneficial will it be? What are the risks? Do I really need to do it? What exactly is a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy? And what will you do, if you get in there and there is all kinds of mess in my uterus??
And to top it all off- they can't do it until Nov 12th!! So that means at least 2 cycles of nothing!! That just isn't going to work with me! I am trying to learn some patience- but I am losing my patience quickly! And my mind!
On a personal note- my wonderful husband tells me yesterday after I hear the news that I need to have surgery that "You need to be more positive or we should quit." Which today he adamantly denies. I won't even tell you what happened after that!! Then, my mother tells me yesterday (as if I hadn't had enough shit for one day), "You shouldn't question God." So God is saying that I will be a bad mother? Are you telling me God doesn't want me to have children? Is God saying that we are unfit? What? She didn't answer me. I teach kids who are unwanted- I had a mother tell me last year as I sat there bleeding from my 2nd m/c that she HATED her son, she never wanted him, she didn't want him around her, and that's why he lives with her mother and not with her. So I am going to be a worse parent than she is? WTF? Is that what God is trying to tell me, I am not worthy of a child? I will neglect or abuse my children?? That I will be cruel and horrible to them? I am a teacher for crying out loud!! I HAVE to be a better mother than a crackhead is!! I have to be better than a mother who allows her boyfriend to rape and molest her child! I thought I would be better- you know, since I would love them and all. I am spending an ass load of money to try and get pregnant!
I am trying to pull myself together enough to get through this day- 1. without crying in class and 2. without hurting a family member! Any suggestions on how to be successful in both- greatly appreciated!

Monday, September 22, 2008

TTC is a highway!!

Full of twists and bumps and road kill! Some people get to exit off early, others have to keep driving- like on the road cross country or something! So I am on my cross country adventure to be with child or children- whichever!!

No use in sugar coating it any more for myself, I have accepted reality that it is only going to cost more and more for me to get pregnant and then we won't have any money to raise our wee ones. But they will be loved and wanted!! Who needs clothes when you have love? We have 8 tomato plants in the backyard- we'll live on tomatoes and love!!

I called the Jones Inst. yesterday and the nurse I love was out sick!! She sounded fine on Friday when I talked to her! Ha! The other nurse that called me back had no idea what was going on with me so I just made my appt to see Dr Never Smiles and I will go about my merry way! I do have to drive over to the other side of the water to see her, which takes about an hour, but it will be worth it!! I want her to tell me what we need to do!! She is MY dr however and I feel very comfortable with her!

So there you have it- a play by play! Next step u/s tomorrow afternoon! Hopefully, Clomid did not overstimulate me- like it has before! If I need to move on then I need to not be overstimulated!! No grapefruit sized ovaries here please!! Need nice, regular sized ones please!! I have been a good girl and done everything the drs have asked of me- so body give me a break please!! I just want a normal u/s and a go ahead to do something!! I want a baby belly already!! Sheesh!! What's a girl gotta do around here to get knocked up?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Put on your Big Girl Panties!!

Ok, I am not that skinny in my panties, but it's my blog so I can do whatever I want!!
So after a day of being pissed about my BFN I decided to come up with somethings that will make this positive! So here's my list:
1. I WILL lose more weight before I get my BFP. I have lost 46 lbs so far and I will lose at least
4 more lbs! I WILL that is the end of that!
2. I am going to tan!! I know, I know it is bad for my skin but I want to have that pregnancy
"glow" even if I am not pregnant!! Plus, having a little color will help me when it is time to take
my belly pics!! You don't want to see my white belly!!
3. I'll get to help Bobby remodel our bathroom. Ok, I was really hoping I could just supervise,
but I guess I''ll throw in some old fashion elbow grease to help him! Remember, I am trying
to be positive.
4. I am sure there's some other good stuff out there but this is all I could think of! After all I am
only human and I am still disappointed that it is another round of something whatever that
may be!
I will call in the morning to see what the game plan is for us, so

Friday, September 19, 2008

Big Girls Don't Cry

or maybe they do!
Cause whoever came up with that saying never experience infertility and those words when you wake up. It might as well say, "You are wasting your money, dumbass", "Maybe it is time to relax and not try so hard", or "Start looking into adoption". That's the slap in the face I feel every time I pee on one of those sticks. Yet even though I knew that I wasn't pregnant, I can always hold out hope until I see those words and let it slap me around like a ho that hasn't paid her pimp. What a roller coaster ride!!! This TTC one sucks ass and I am over it! I want the one that results in pregnancy! Where is that line?
This was by far the most expensive cycle so far while TTC. So I felt like I was doubly slapped. I mean how can IUI not work? The sperm are right there!!! Kiss my ass infertility!!
So what's next you say? I call Monday and set up an end of cycle u/s to check for cysts and see what Dr Never Smiles says let's do. Let's see if cycle #17 is lucky....
For now I will go sulk somewhere and pout and cry!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

To Follistim or not to Follistim- 'tis the question!

Well, as a person who needs to have a game plan- I have already started thinking- Follistim or not? At my last appointment, Dr Austrian informed me that if no BFP this cycle then it is time we move on to injectables. So Bobby and I are at that point... move on or take a break? A little scary if you ask me... but maybe it is the means to the end of this TTC journey for us.

So we have had "the talk" with the normal questions such as "Are we sure?", "Should we try Clomid some more?", "What's wrong with what we are doing?", "Should we take a break?", and most importantly..."What if we get more than we can handle?"

None of these are perfect solutions to what we are doing- we want a baby or babies. I'll take whatever I can get, I just want a healthy one or ones. Whatever we get at this point I will be so grateful for!

I called Jones today to get my ball rolling... I like action.. a game plan per se... I like knowing what is next...something!! I want a baby, Damn, how hard can it be? Apparently pretty hard! But that is another topic. I love Dr Never Smiles (she knows her shit) and her nurse (who talks almost as much as me)... I called and expected for her to get back to me later today after I gave the lady my info and she is like ok hold on... and the nurse hops on the phone. I explain that I haven't tested yet but I want to have Dr Never Smiles opinion on what Dr Austrian said about starting injectables. Nurse Talkative says she'll talk to Dr Never Smiles and they will get info together for me. I think she was shocked I hadn't tested yet. But I was holding out strong! No early testing for me. I stated my case that we decided that we were ready to move on if Dr Never Smiles says that it is time. What I wasn't expecting was...

You have to take a cycle off of any meds to move on.. not just to give your ovaries a break to prevent OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome I think) but for a mental break as well. This cuts into my "time frame" I had allotted myself. I have been under a time frame since the bad Clomid cycle in April- I said if no BFP by Dec then back on bc it is for me until the spring of '09. I know- being infertile- why go back on bc since I obviously can't get pregnant off bc? Well, I know in order for me to have a "break" then I have to cut all ties to TTC. So bc I will do... only for about 5 months to get me to "relax"... I should get knocked up then, right?
My thought- I'm screwed no matter what I do!!

So I am not any closer to a baby than I was yesterday! Damn it!!

Good news- Hopefully this was all for nothing- I am testing in the morning 14 dpo (days past ovulation)- need lots and lots of prayers for a HEALTHY BFP this time!!! I want a HEALTHY baby in my arms!!! I hope all my planning is in vain! PLEASE!!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

We are SO not happy about it!

So I get to rant now and I am sorry for this and I hope it doesn't get any one's panties all in a wad like mine were. Just to keep this on a professional level- (HA like I can do that anyway) I will keep people anonymous.

Let's call this person "Susie"- Susie and I know each other, we are not exactly friends but we talk on occasion and she KNOWS we are going through fertility treatments and that I have been ttc for quite some time now.

So Susie casually tells me she is pregnant (Great for her I am truly happy for people when they tell me they are pregnant- it is a miracle) and then in the same breath says "And we are NONE too happy about it" Thankfully I used my acting skills and I didn't look as appalled as I obviously am as I stand there with an empty womb and I would just about do anything to have a child in my arms. I tried not to envision myself bitch slapping her - but I did. I try to teach the kids at school that violence is not the answer and they have told me that sometimes it is- I see their point now. Then proceeds to say how she was on bc ( birth control)! Holy shit, I haven't tried that but maybe I need some bc to get pregnant- I'll ask Dr. Never Smiles about that at my next RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appt. She might smile at me then!! ( J/K she does laugh/smile at me- who doesn't I ask?) Maybe she'll write me out a script for some good ole bc for me to get knocked up!! I mean shit we have tried alot of things so far- but bc wasn't one of them. And to top it off -then tells me that I will be able to help her get through this. With what my knowledge on how to get pregnant and your menstrual cycle? I don't know what happens when you are pregnant- never made it through the first trimester myself. But alas, I must be that person that looks like I give 2 shits.

My thought for this is- why the fuck would you tell someone that you know is going through fertility treatments that you are not too happy about being pregnant?? I would chop off my arm and give away my kidney to have a baby! I use to want a passel of kids- now I will be happy if I can just get one and bring it home from the hospital with all ten fingers and toes! I mean can people be any more inconsiderate? I actually already know the answer because I know that people have said worse. Like "just relax" or "I didn't do any of those ovulation thingies you are doing and I got pregnant, stop wasting your money on that stuff" " I just stopped thinking about it" "Are you propping up your feet on the headboard after sex?' "Maybe ya'll should go on vacation" (we went on a cruise to Alaska, any more relaxed and I would be dead- but still not pregnant)

The careless comments about maybe stopping the treatments is one I really enjoy too. Goes along with the whole "I didn't use all those pee sticks and I have 3 kids" well that's great cause Dr Never Smiles and Dr Austrian I am sure are wrong in treating me for infertility since I am apparently fertile if I would just relax and stop trying so hard.

So my thanks is to Cindy- she has helped me see the humor in ttc and that if we don't laugh we would all go insane! (I also borrowed this video clip- have to it fits)

I know I must be wasting my money at Jones Institute since I have had so any people tell me how to get pregnant "I should just relax". damn I should have thought about relaxing- I don't know 17 months ago.... but I think I will go relax now and see if that results in me being with child!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Is it hot in here?

Hot, hazy, and humid. That's how you can describe my body right now. I have spent the last 22 days in a hot and hazy daze- first from the Clomid and now from the Progestrone. I wonder if I am really TTC or if I am going through menopause- I now know why my mom seemed a little crazy while she was going through the change- You are frying your brain inside your skull! I am constantly wavering between feeling like my chest will burst because I am so hot or just sweating in places that I didn't know had sweat glands. I wake up every morning in a nasty sweat that is just GROSS! Ahh those lovely side effects from the drugs.

I also think that these drugs actually make the insanity plea plausible. Don't tell Bobby- but I think these hormones can make you say just about anything plus they make me a little more sensitive than usual. I am more likely than not to lose it while I do just about anything, driving is the big thing right now. I know that I have road range and I am flipping people off left and right here lately. My patience is null and void right now. Why you say? I don't really know but I think it is from the hormones induced by drugs, these drs are like pushers they have you hooked thinking that this concoction of drugs will help you succeed in getting pregnant. So any infertile knows- you will try almost anything to achieve that dream! I am fully admitting that I will try pretty much anything to get pregnant! I have heard some 'good' advice on how I can get pregnant- but I'll save that for another blog.

I guess besides being sweaty and hormonal, my next biggest complaint from these drugs that are suppose to help get me pregnant and maintain a pregnancy is that I am tired of being tired! Since I become an enraging inferno mostly at night, I throw off the covers and sit up and turn the fan up higher and I wonder what people did before a/c. And if I am lucky I will fall back asleep only to awaken shivering as I am freezing after all the sweat has dried and I have no covers on, BTW not complaining about being cold just that I am awaken AGAIN. So usually this happens several times through out the night. Which if you know me then you know that I love my sleep!! I can sleep on demand if need be, always have- right now not so much. I love sleeping in on the weekends and during the summer- one of those things I am trying to enjoy before I have kids and they get up early. But I hope they take more after me in that aspect and will enjoy sleeping in.

Ok enough of my grumbles about the side effects- but if I tend to be testy now you know why. It is all kind of bundled into one big cause- Hormonal Drugs!!

So I guess I need to warn some that may read here that there is no bars held here. Whenever and whatever I feel like saying I will and that includes the words that I have learned from the kids at school! So sorry in advance but I can be vulgar and graphic- can't help it- it's the hormones!!

Great day- Virginia Tech beat Georgia Tech!! YAY!! I love my college football! Go Hokies!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

My first Blog

So yesterday my teaching assistant said "You should write a blog, Courtney" which I had already been thinking about but figured I didn't have anything new to say about infertility that hasn't already been said. But here goes...

I am very open and honest with pretty much anybody and everybody about the "Trial and Tribulations of my Hoo-Ha" especially now that I think everyone has seen it- well as long as they are wearing a white coat!

I am starting this blog in the hopes to relieve some of the tension off of myself and to give you some behind the scenes footage of infertility treatments. Hopefully, with some luck and good ole fashion sperm meeting up with the egg, I will achieve pregnancy and then I can rant about that for 9 months!!

The infertility issue we have is with my ovaries and me. I was diagnosed in February with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and some pretty wacky and weird stuff that was going on with my body. So PCOS means that I am anovulatory (not ovulating or not ovulating mature eggs). To help reduce some of the symptoms of PCOS, I began South Beach (which I LOVE) and I have lost over 43 lbs. Depends on what I ate the night before will depend on my weight loss. But that was the first line of defense for me- the dr said lose weight so I have- womb is still empty. WTH? But anyway- can't say I didn't try!

We are currently at the Jones Institute for Reproductive Medicine. I love my drs.- well some of them anyway. But they are super knowledgeable and have said their job is to get me pregnant- anyone who says that and can also accomplish it- gets a prize!! We have had other testing in the past few months- I had an HSG (which I don't know the whole name) which is where they shoot dye into the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure everything is clear and there are no blockages- I got a perfect A+ (ALL CLEAR)! Bobby also had a sperm analysis which he did well too. He was "normal" and deserves an A as well. He has a good sperm count and morphology. Thank God- one less thing we didn't have to throw into the mix.

I are taking Clomid , Metformin (to help with the PCOS insulin resistance), baby aspirin, B12, Folic Acid, prenatals, Ovidrel (a trigger shot to make me ovulate), and Progestrone this cycle. We also did IUI (interuterine insemination) last Friday. Maybe we'll be like Jon and Kate plus 8?? She has PCOS and did IUI.... only time will tell

cause I am officially in part duex of my 2ww (2 week wait). Which means I have one more week until I can test to see if I am pregnant. So fingers crossed and lots of sprinkles of babydust or magic or whatever that will or can knock me up.

I promise to get some pretty stuff on here too pretty soon, just wanted to get this up and going. Oh I got my title from all the inconsiderate people that are fertile that have said to me "it'll happen when you least expect it" Well at this point every month I least expect it so will it happen NOW? How about now? Ahhh... the life of being infertile and the waiting that goes along with TTC.