Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Move ahead 1 space- Gottcha, Go back 2 spaces!


Move on to Follistim- Oh never mind, you need surgery. Take 2 steps back! SORRY! My TTC journey is fucking SORRY!
The HSG that 2 doctors told me was normal is not so fucking normal now. Could possibly be the reason for the 2 miscarriages as well as why we aren't getting pregnant. Oh, but when they showed me the video after the HSG I was told everything looked good. Now that it is time to move on, now I am hearing that after we spent money on an IUI that wasn't going to work anyway. That's just great!!
I go to the dr today anyway for an end of cycle u/s and to discuss this new development. And, boy do I have some questions!! Like why was I told to go ahead with an IUI that was going to fail? Why am I being told now that it is abnormal? Is this a physician discrepancy? Is the surgery really needed and/or how beneficial will it be? What are the risks? Do I really need to do it? What exactly is a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy? And what will you do, if you get in there and there is all kinds of mess in my uterus??
And to top it all off- they can't do it until Nov 12th!! So that means at least 2 cycles of nothing!! That just isn't going to work with me! I am trying to learn some patience- but I am losing my patience quickly! And my mind!
On a personal note- my wonderful husband tells me yesterday after I hear the news that I need to have surgery that "You need to be more positive or we should quit." Which today he adamantly denies. I won't even tell you what happened after that!! Then, my mother tells me yesterday (as if I hadn't had enough shit for one day), "You shouldn't question God." So God is saying that I will be a bad mother? Are you telling me God doesn't want me to have children? Is God saying that we are unfit? What? She didn't answer me. I teach kids who are unwanted- I had a mother tell me last year as I sat there bleeding from my 2nd m/c that she HATED her son, she never wanted him, she didn't want him around her, and that's why he lives with her mother and not with her. So I am going to be a worse parent than she is? WTF? Is that what God is trying to tell me, I am not worthy of a child? I will neglect or abuse my children?? That I will be cruel and horrible to them? I am a teacher for crying out loud!! I HAVE to be a better mother than a crackhead is!! I have to be better than a mother who allows her boyfriend to rape and molest her child! I thought I would be better- you know, since I would love them and all. I am spending an ass load of money to try and get pregnant!
I am trying to pull myself together enough to get through this day- 1. without crying in class and 2. without hurting a family member! Any suggestions on how to be successful in both- greatly appreciated!

6 comments:

Dawn's Recipes / The Baby Blog said...

Wow...I never realized you had it so rough! First of all, I'm sorry to hear they said your HSG is now abnormal. Did they say what the abnormality is? Do they suspect endo? I can't believe they're making you wait till Nov. 12 after this!

That "trust in God" comment your mother made sounds like it comes from someone who doesn't like to take any responsibility. Maybe it's easier for her to "let God" deal with her problems than to take an active role in dealing with them herself, and she's encouraging you to think the same way. Sorry if I'm out of bounds with those statements. I don't know your mother, and I may have it totally wrong. That's just the feeling I get from what I read.

Sarah said...

I am blown away that you were told, and then acted on the information that your HSG was normal. Then find out its not. BLOWN AWAY! You have every right to be upset about that. Its shockingly upsetting that a physician would do that!!

As for the God comments. Hope mom doesn't read this blog: It is completely and utterly ridiculous to attribute your issues with infertility with God saying you shouldn't have children. Ridiculous. More than God saying that a crackhead would be a better mother, that would be saying that God thinks children should be raped and molested. Ridiculous. What an unhelpful, ridiculous conclusion.

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
Albert Einstein

Kate said...

You know God isn't telling you you will be a bad mother or that you aren't worthy. You WILL be an awesome mom. I'm not giving up on you!

Murgdan said...

WTF! How could this reputable freakin' clinic make a screw up like this?! What the hell?!? What is 'abnormal'...both tubes blocked? One blocked? Did they even tell you???

Screw the 'don't question God' comment too. 'God' told my father to cheat on my mother (according to him). 'God' told my sister to quit working and live below the poverty level with her new baby. And now 'God' is getting involved in everyone's fertility with comments like this...I, personally, am questioning God. Because I think he/she got me confused with someone ELSE!? ...like a crack-whore who got accidently pregnant.

Big HUGS for you...because sometimes that's just all there is left to do...

KandiB said...

My MIL told me that God wouldn't allow us to get pregnant until we were out of debt. Waaaa??? That's not God - he doesn't make rules like that.

I truly hope they get all your HSG stuff figured out pronto!

Just1Lyzz said...

I really hate the leave it to God stuff......sometimes shit just happens, its not fair and it sucks and its hard, but its not God and there's no way in the world you're personally liable for whats happening. I can totally sympathize though....being one of the infertiles out there, I heard this kind of thing and more. I don't know whats up with the Jones.....but they need to get it together and stop settin a sista up! I'm thinking about you and you know just come by my room if you need to talk, scream, cry, whatever.