Move on to Follistim- Oh never mind, you need surgery. Take 2 steps back! SORRY! My TTC journey is fucking SORRY!
The HSG that 2 doctors told me was normal is not so fucking normal now. Could possibly be the reason for the 2 miscarriages as well as why we aren't getting pregnant. Oh, but when they showed me the video after the HSG I was told everything looked good. Now that it is time to move on, now I am hearing that after we spent money on an IUI that wasn't going to work anyway. That's just great!!
I go to the dr today anyway for an end of cycle u/s and to discuss this new development. And, boy do I have some questions!! Like why was I told to go ahead with an IUI that was going to fail? Why am I being told now that it is abnormal? Is this a physician discrepancy? Is the surgery really needed and/or how beneficial will it be? What are the risks? Do I really need to do it? What exactly is a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy? And what will you do, if you get in there and there is all kinds of mess in my uterus??
And to top it all off- they can't do it until Nov 12th!! So that means at least 2 cycles of nothing!! That just isn't going to work with me! I am trying to learn some patience- but I am losing my patience quickly! And my mind!
On a personal note- my wonderful husband tells me yesterday after I hear the news that I need to have surgery that "You need to be more positive or we should quit." Which today he adamantly denies. I won't even tell you what happened after that!! Then, my mother tells me yesterday (as if I hadn't had enough shit for one day), "You shouldn't question God." So God is saying that I will be a bad mother? Are you telling me God doesn't want me to have children? Is God saying that we are unfit? What? She didn't answer me. I teach kids who are unwanted- I had a mother tell me last year as I sat there bleeding from my 2nd m/c that she HATED her son, she never wanted him, she didn't want him around her, and that's why he lives with her mother and not with her. So I am going to be a worse parent than she is? WTF? Is that what God is trying to tell me, I am not worthy of a child? I will neglect or abuse my children?? That I will be cruel and horrible to them? I am a teacher for crying out loud!! I HAVE to be a better mother than a crackhead is!! I have to be better than a mother who allows her boyfriend to rape and molest her child! I thought I would be better- you know, since I would love them and all. I am spending an ass load of money to try and get pregnant!
I am trying to pull myself together enough to get through this day- 1. without crying in class and 2. without hurting a family member! Any suggestions on how to be successful in both- greatly appreciated!