Thursday, December 16, 2010

Drum roll please...........

Houston, we have a playroom....

This was their first look last night of their "new room"

They squealed and twirled in their new room

We ate peanut butter cookies that Mommy made in our new room

We watched the "dough" fall outside on Mommy's snow day off from school

We looked at the snow outside beside our playroom, but the inside it 100% functional

So the room is not 100% completed, still have some finishing touches, but it is finished enough to play in it and have their toys in there! YAY!!!

Just in time for the influx of Christmas presents!

Friday, November 12, 2010

100 posts and two 15 month olds later

This is my 100th post! And here we are: a happy little family of 4! The battles and struggles to get here are not forgotten, but have made me the person I am today. That could be good or bad, I guess depends on who you ask. But anywho...

So instead of the last PPD post, I decided to do a post on my girls.

Today we went to the dr. for their 15 month appt. He said they were "perfect and healthy" and that is all that matters. They are already doing some 18 month milestones so we are moving along.

Kristin is 20 lbs 8 oz (10th percent) 29 1/2 in (10th) and 18 in head circum (50th)
Lara is 18 lbs (less than 3rd) and 28 1/2 (3rd) and 17 5/8 in head circumference (25th)

Since Lara is still so small, we will stay in the infant seats and stay backwards facing for Kristin. It is easier to carry the infant seats out to the car and only have to make one trip with them. Mind you, I have already done at least 1 other trip of just "stuff" aka- purse, diaper bag, lunch bag (on school days)and whatever else we need for the outing.

Just glad they are healthy and meeting the milestones that they should be.

Here are the girls sitting together with BARELY any toys to play with and no books to read. Don't you feel sorry for them? Isn't it a shame that they have SO little? They are probably hoping for a few toys for Christmas... poor babies!

This is Kristin's new "What? I am not doing anything" face.

Her laugh can bring tears to my eyes. She laughs whole heartily and so enthusiastically.

Little Ladybug Lara

Lara jabbers non stop and then laughs so whatever she is saying it must be funny!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Part 4

So where did I leave off?? Ok...


I felt guilty, I still feel guilty at times. I preferred one baby over the other. I had an easy baby and I had a colic baby. I mean, it was rough. This is something that still bothers me to this day. I know they won't know (gosh I hope not) but it still makes me feel guilty.

I felt guilty because I had lost 2 babies. I had cried and grieved for 2 babies. Now I had 2 babies and I was crying and resentful and angry. I wanted to be a mom... right? I wanted this. Yet I was SO sad.... this wasn't what I envisioned. No one warned me that it could be like this.

I felt guilty. I had friends who wanted to be right where I was.... a Mom. I had a healthy pregnancy. I had 2 healthy, beautiful babies. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just be happy? Why was I crying? Why was I so angry? Why wasn't this like I had imagined and dreamed?

Guilt. Guilt is mean. It is vicious. I still feel quite guilty today. I feel guilty that I am not a good mom. I feel guilty that time was "wasted" when they were born. I did not enjoy that time and it is time I can't ever get back. I feel guilty that alot of the time was spent in survival mode. I can't ever go back to them being a few weeks old. I can't get that back. I can't get time back. I can't get newborn pictures taken with a professional taken, I could have done that but I was "SO tired" and I wasn't functional, I mean I was functional in some sense but not to get anything extra done. Showers. Eat. Bathroom. Pump. Feed. Maybe sleep. I had priorities and somethings took a back seat. I can't get those moments back. I can't get the missed kisses or missed time holding them back. I can't get snuggle time back. I can't get alot of things back. EVER.

Guilt sucks. And I sometimes I feel like I suck.

I went back and read my blog posts from when I was going through the PPD hell. I remember what I was feeling as I wrote them. I remember wanting to be honest, but being afraid. Afraid people would bash me. Say well you wanted kids, you should have known. And I should have. But I didn't. I didn't know PPD would hit me. All the books say is "if you feel sad after a few days, talk to your doctor". Who feels they can call their doctor and say "Ummm...excuse me, but this isn't like I imagined. Ummm... I am angry at the world. Ummm... all I am doing is crying. You got a pill for that?" I mean, I couldn't do that. I cried in the OR after a D&C saying over and over 'I want my baby back', I got 2 babies and I was still crying. I felt that NOONE sane could do such a thing.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bobby was "building the playroom" and made sure he was outside whenever he could be. I mean I wanted to be away too, so I can hardly blame him. Except I was SUPER pissed at him. How did he get to shirk his responsibilities? I mean, how come it was SO important to build this room (the one we are STILL in the process of doing and not to mention sat dormant for months) right now? So him escaping to the construction only made me angrier at him, myself and the girls. I was tired still.....

In the meantime, I was still working full time in a thankless job and doing almost all of the work- Cleaning, laundry, being a full time caretaker of the twins by myself most of the time, pumping, trying to function as a person, getting everything ready for them and me everyday. I know alot of women do this, but I was still angry. This was NOT how I imagined motherhood. I guess I didn't think things all the way through.

The more I cried, the angrier I got.

I was resentful. At this point most of my anger really turned towards Bobby. I even blogged about it once, but I still wasn't all the way honest. I was still crying and frustrated and hated my new life. I felt he wasn't pulling his weight, in reality he probably wasn't but he was trying to do somethings, but he didn't know what to do with infants. I chose to shut him out and just be angry. I didn't want to talk about it, cause when I did it always turned into a fight and I had better things to do than fight with him, like sleep and get ready for the next day. He of course read my messages to Kate and then did the whole "well I don't do shit" comments, which only made me angrier. It wasn't working... and I thought about leaving him. I was doing everything on my own anyway, so why have him around? All he did was get in my way and bitch that we weren't having sex. Him bitching, did not make me want to have sex any more and the less that happened, the less I think he was helping me, making me angrier and the vicious cycle continued. But anyway...

Slowly the fog started also coincided with them sleeping through the night and Kristin's colic stopped. Go figure. Somewhere, somehow, I was feeling better. I wasn't crying as much. Colic was almost like a light switch, one day she just stopped crying. It was amazing. The girls and I were doing better. I never took those anti-depressants. I got a prescription, I did call Dr M after my appt and told the nurse I "thought maybe" I needed something. I picked it up from the drugstore. But never took one. They are still in the medicine cabinet. They made me feel better just being in the medicine cabinet.

Around 6 months of age... things changed. I sat watching Good morning Am.erica, as I feed the girls, pumped and ate breakfast, and they reported a story of a twin girl getting kidnapped. And I cried. Cried for the first time that if someone did something to one of my kids, I would die fighting for my girls. FINALLY, I knew what it felt like to be a Mom. I finally got it. I would hurt someone if they hurt my kids. I would go to jail for doing something to someone who did something to take away my kids' innocence. Suddenly, I thought "This is how moms feel, this is it." I cried... this time tears of joy.

So here I am, 15 months after their birth. Contemplating baby #3. Would I go through all of this again? Yeah... I guess. I'd like to skip the PPD part, but the love is amazing. Being a twin mom is HARD. It is not easy and I commend the women (and men I guess) that have triplets and quadruplets and more. Cause I REALLY don't know how they do it!!!

It is hard to believe, I created the 2 cutest human beings on earth. I survived PPD. I did it. And I can talk about it. It sucked. But I think it makes me have more empathy and sympathy for people who are struggling.

I wouldn't change being a Mommy. I LOVE my girls. Somethings have happened recently and I cried thinking anything could ever happen to my babies. My girls. I have stood over the cribs and thanked God for giving them to me. For blessing me with these 2 perfect babies. I am a survivor. I have survived loss, love, and lots of other things. But admitting openly and honestly about PPD is one of the hard things, having had the feelings you have while in PPD, it is hard to admit, hard to discuss.

I love Kristin. I love Lara. I love that I am their Mah-mah. I love that they are mine. I love they are so happy to see me. I love that they can make me cry and laugh at the same time. I love all the feelings they give me. Even though times can be trying, I wouldn't change having them. I love them!

These smiles are what I live for:

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Part 3 of my PPD

After a few more nights of Kristin fighting me to nurse, she was screaming all day long. I called Bobby at the fire station, I am going to lose it, I said. He asked if he needed to come home, what was wrong with her? How the hell do I know, and if I did know don't you think I would give it to her? I need her to stop. I am at the end of my rope.

We decided for me to take her to the dr. I called. No they couldn't fit me in today. So I said, She has been crying for hours. I will come sit in the waiting room with her crying until Dr B can see me. Hold please. Ok we can see you at 3. Is that ok? OK 3 pm.

So in my newborn hell, I went to the dr. He took a look, Oh she has some colic... and might have some reflux. Let's try this. Thank you, will she stop crying now?

She started taking Zantac for her reflux, I guess it helped. She didn't fight eating like she was. But at this point I decided I wasn't going to nurse her anymore. I would pump and put it in a bottle for her. I still would nurse Lara when I could and I pumped ALOT.

Kristin still cried for hours and that made things hard for me. I couldn't take all the crying. This is when Bobby decided to build the playroom for them (yes the one we are STILL building over a year later, yes that same room). I mean I understood escaping to outside, I wanted to escape too. This is when things got even worse for Bobby and me. I really was angry at him. I don't know why except that he seemed to be able to avoid taking care of the twins unlike I was able to. I was STUCK. TRAPPED. Trapped at home. Exhausted. I wanted to get away. But I couldn't. He left every other night and got a full night's sleep. I didn't. It pissed me off profusely when he said "I'm tired" Really? You are? Asshole.

I went for my 6 week post delivery check up. Kristin cried the whole time. And Bobby did something that he couldn't watch the girls so I could go by myself. So I had to go in the stirrups with Kristin screaming and my shirt soaking wet from her screaming. Dr M asked me how I was doing and we discussed birth control. I didn't care WHAT he gave me, just make SURE I couldn't get knocked up. Please, thank you very much. We discussed if Bobby and I were intimate. HELL NO, I don't even like him AND he thinks that we need to discuss putting Reese (Gosh I miss you buddy) to sleep. Umm... not a good time, Reese is sometimes the only person I like in the house right now. Yes I actually told Dr M that the dog was the only person in the house I liked most of the time. He should have caught on that SOMETHING was WRONG. But I use humor sometimes to hide my real feelings, so in fairness maybe he thought I was joking... I wasn't. Of course Dr M told me maybe sex would make me feel better. Whatever, you are a man, of course you think that. He also asked me if I "needed something". No. Nothing is wrong with me. I just hate my husband... I couldn't say I felt apathetic to everything. I mean what kind of mother would I be if I said it out loud?

We decided on the Mirena and I could come back to get it in. I tried to schedule the appt as far out as possible, but the receptionist, who was probably trying to get me the hell out since Kristin was still screaming, scheduled it for like 10 days later. When I got home, of course Bobby wanted to know if we were "cleared" for sex. Ummm... No, Dr M said we should wait til after the IUD. DON'T want to get pregnant...ok? Of course it wasn't what he said but I wasn't having sex so LEAVE me alone!

Then it was getting closer and closer for me to go back to work. I wanted to go. But I didn't want to go. I was Exhausted! I was excited to get time to "myself" (yes you can laugh at that). But if I went to work, it would be like a 'break'. Kristin still cried several times a day, ranging from a half hour to hours. Whatever she felt like.

The PPD continues. However, the guilt was killing me. How could I feel like this? To top it off there was all kinds of stuff going on. My friend Kate had been pregnant with twins and had lost her twins due to infection and possible incompetent cervix. And Maggie had had a traumatic birth and Rachel was a little tiny preemie in the NICU. And here I sat, totally unattached and a horrible distant mother, I had everything that alot of women wanted, I had a healthy pregnancy, 2 healthy babies and here I sat. Sad. Alone. Depressed. Crying. I felt like a piece of shit. So how could I say anything? I even talked to Kate most days, but I didn't let on, I mean how could I? She was grieving for her twins and I didn't even want mine around me. I was horrible. I felt guilty. I felt so selfish and ... I don't even know. I can't even tell you how I felt, because I felt so horrible. Here I had wanted a baby and I had that. I had prayed a million prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I had that. Two babies actually. I mean, what more could I want?

After all of the treatments, I was given everything I dreamed of. Except I felt like I was in a nightmare. A bad horror movie. I was in hell.


Guilt is a BAD thing. I felt guilty for how I felt. I secluded myself some. I know there was days, when people called, I just didn't answer the phone. I didn't want to lie, I mean talk. It was too much work. I couldn't even tell my best friend (who told me how I would just stare at them in awe and be amazed by them and I would feel this overwhelming love for them) that Nope, I felt nothing. I wanted to go back to my "old life", but I was trapped. Trapped in this hell. It was never going to get better. I was stuck.

I went back to work. I didn't cry when I left them with the sitter. People asked me that at work that morning. "Oh didn't you cry as you drove off?"
Isn't it terrible to leave them, I mean OMG they are so cute". I just shook my head yes... I cried... of course it was the hardest thing I ever did to leave them there. I was thinking, yeah I cried.... cried tears of joy. Yes I was FREE! Someone else could deal with Kristin's crying. WOO HOO!

I was still getting up 2 times a night with them. I was exhausted and in a "coma" if you ask me. I went to work, I was still in Groundhog Day, weeks flew by. Only irritating thing was how bitchy women are. At work someone "told" on me that I wasn't accepting their suggestions on how to teach a student. My principal came to talk to me about "being more positive" and made a nice suggestion for me to get a nanny so I could get more sleep. And that maybe if I didn't have such a nice car, we could afford a nanny. Eff off asshole. Anyway... didn't get a nanny, noted, smile at work and suck up people's bs comments about teaching (mind your own business school psychologist) and do what I was told. Be the "teacher I want my kids to have". Ok.

I also had said some things about Kristin crying and her colic and that I was tired and a little frustrated. Somehow that turned into women talking shit that I hated my kids and blah blah blah. Eff off too. Lyzz gave them a nice cold shoulder for me and warned me. Noted, don't talk about my kids at work. Smile. Everything is great.

Everything wasn't great. But I am a good actress. I could fake it. But it was all very exhausting. And inside I was screaming. And sometimes I screamed at home when all hell was breaking lose and I was SO tired.

Then things started to change some. Kristin's colic fit came right when we walked in the door after work. YAY me. But somehow I was able to handle it better after missing the other ones during the day. (Even the sitter said "she cries alot") So them more guilt came. I started to 'like' Lara. She was such an easy baby. She cried to be changed, cried to eat, other than that, she was happy. But I could also calm her quickly, not with Kristin though. And it frustrated me, because I felt like I neglected Lara to hold Kristin while she screamed. Lara seemed to only get attention when Bobby or someone else was around. And when someone came around and wanted to hold a baby, here hold Kristin. I felt like I never got to hold Lara. Then I had to hear my mother say, "I only ever see you hold Lara". Which I said, of course cause I never get to hold her, but you are holding Kristin so I can hold Lara now. OMG my mom noticed that I was crazy.... I felt even worse now. I mean I may 'like' Lara but Kristin still frustrated me ALOT. I was struggling. And I felt guilty. GUILTY. Did I say GUILTY? Cause that is a horrible thing to say. I liked one baby more than the other. Who does that? OMG, I am a horrible, ungrateful, piece of crap mother.

Slowly, it started. We only got up one time during the night. That made things slightly better. I still was attached to my best friend Medela Pump in Style. She was my friend. The whoosh, whoosh sound for 15 minutes, 8 times a day. But I wasn't going to quit giving them breast milk. NO matter how many people told me to stop. I wasn't a quitter and I was going to win. I think the endless hours of pumping may have added to the PPD. I felt attached to that damn pump. It was ALL I did. I lived in 3 hour segments of time. Pump. Wash the parts. Do stuff. Pump. Vicious cycle. But I did it. And I survived... barely sometimes.

The girls are up from their nap.... I will continue later, But I will leave you with the cutest pumpkins in the patch:

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Part 2- My Story of PPD

I thought coming home from the hospital would be what I needed. I needed out of the hospital where people were poking and pushing on my stomach and IF I was asleep, waking me up to take my temperature and blood pressure. I'd be at home, everything was going to be better at home, right? All I needed was my bed, my stuff, right? It would be better at home, right?

So as I was wheeled out of the hospital, we got alot of 'Oh twins' and 'Oh they are so beautiful, congrats'. I sat there smiling and said the "Yeah we are so lucky' 'thanks, we think they are beautiful too' But really I was thinking, "yeah you wouldn't think that if you had been in our room last night with 2 screaming babies last night.... all night'.

But I was going home. It would be better at home. It had to be better at home, Right?

I look back at the pictures of us getting home. Standing in front of the storks my mom ordered and taking pictures. I smiled and held them as we got pictures taken. But I was a fraud. I didn't want to hold them. I didn't want to be in those pictures. Those weren't really MY babies. I still felt nothing, I just wanted to run away. But I was too tired to run!

During the day, it was the same as in the hospital, people coming to see the babies. And still no sleep for me. Then everyone would leave and then hell would begin...

As Bobby and I settled into bed, one of them would start crying. In my head "damn it, what now?" I didn't have this desire to run and see what was wrong. I just wanted them to sleep and be quiet. Go to sleep! Damn! STOP crying! OMG! Then Bobby would change them and I would get settled in to nurse them and he'd lay back down and suddenly he would be snoring and they were suckling away and then I would sit there and cry. Tears streaming down my face. I didn't love them. I hated my husband. How can he sleep? If I had had something sharp by the bed, I probably would have done something to him. (That sounds crazy to even type, but I was SO angry) I wanted to sleep. I was tired of somebody constantly wanting something from me.

Then after an hour of nursing, they'd be done. I would lay them back in the bassinet and I'd lay down and I swear barely close my eyes and then BAM... one would be crying again. It was an hour later and hungry AGAIN! Fuck! Bobby would get up and change them and I settled in with the big huge nursing pillow and get them settled in and nursing and then the snoring starting and then my crying. Every hour was like this....

After my first night at home, Lyzz sent me a text: "Are you crying yet?" I read it and burst into tears, typed back "yes" and she called. Lyzz reassured me it was normal. Normal to cry for no reason? Really? Something couldn't be right about this. I called my sister who is a dr and she reassured me too that Yes it was normal and that it was the hormonal changes and the crying would stop and Yes she had cried too.

During the day, it wasn't as bad. Bobby's parents were there and somehow the girls slept more during the day. I could get a little nap. I would lay down to nap, but I could "hear" them. I could hear them making noises and crying. Yet they weren't making noises or crying. I was going crazy from the sleep deprivation.

One of those first few days, as I laid down to take a nap, Bobby was laying there with me and I was crying. He asked me why was I crying and what was wrong with me? I sheepishly said "I don't love them. I don' want to kiss them. I feel like a liar when I say I love them when people say how much I was in love, my boobs ached and felt all knotty like pearls under my skin and let's not even discuss my lady parts. My body is ruined" Bobby said to me that I was just tired and it was hard on me physically cause I had just had 2 babies and that I did love them, I just didn't know it. In my mind- noted. Don't tell Bobby anything else honestly. He started snoring and I laid there and cried...hearing them cry. I got up and came out in the living room. No one was here. Bobby's parents had taken the girls out in the backyard to sunbathe, with Kristin's jaundice we were suppose to expose her to sunlight. So I was literally hearing babies cry, that weren't there. Great I really am losing my shit. So what did I do? I cried some more.

As the days came and went like Groundhog Day, same day over and over. The girls were eating every 2 hours and taking an hour to eat. And I was lucky to get 45 mins of sleep at a time. Then it came time for Bobby to go back to work. Oh shit. Don't leave me alone with them. Not only was Bobby going back to work, but Lyzz had to go back too (Lyzz had taken her infant twins to the babysitter to come help me a couple of times). Now no one was home during the day to talk to me. GREAT.

The first morning when Bobby left to go to work. I cried. Shit, now what am I going to do? I could only have self pity so long. Cause of course one of the babies started. Damn it. I felt nothing when they cried except resentment. Their cries sounded like nails on the chalkboard to me. I just wanted it to stop. Stop damn it! Bobby's first day back to work, turned into 72 hours of him being gone. So I was alone with them for 3 days straight. No one to help me. No one here to help me keep what little bit of sanity that I had left, if I had any.

Then my friend Leanne called. Was Bobby home? No. Ok, good, I am bringing you dinner? have you eaten anything? No. Ok, I am coming.

Thank God. Had I eaten? When was the last time I ate? I don't know. Leanne has twins herself, she came in with food and demanded for me to shower and she "had it". Take a nap. Eat in peace. "I got it Courtney". I took a shower. I sat there with the water running over me and cried. I was losing my mind. I didn't have it together. God knew better, He had tried to tell me I wasn't going to be a good mom, so He was protecting the world from me having kids, and I messed with science. OMG what was wrong with me? I felt nothing for these babies that I had begged for, cried for, prayed for... after all I went through and I felt like this. What was wrong with me? I didn't want them. (Leanne actually came every night Bobby was at work, or she sent her mom who is best friends with my mom, I think now Leanne knew I was having a hard time, but she also knew about having infant twins)

Soon I noticed that Bobby was leaving earlier and earlier for work. He had to be there at 7:30 am. It takes 15-20 mins from our house to get there, but he would leave at 6 am, sometimes earlier like he was trying to be out of the house before they got up. I resented him. I wanted to get out of here too. I wanted to leave them so I could get some sleep. He napped at the fire station. He got full nights of sleep. And here I was, hadn't sleep in months. MONTHS. Even before they were born. And I hated his guts because of it. I was tired... and going crazy.

Then one night while Bobby was at work, it was 1 am and Kristin stopped wanting to nurse, she was screaming and not latching on. And throwing herself backwards. I was frustrated. She was frustrated. Both of us were crying. Just eat. Nope. She was screaming. Screaming. OMG shut up! OMG, stop! OMG I am going to lose it. She wouldn't stop to eat. Fuck, now Lara is crying. OMG. HELP! They were crying. I was crying. They were screaming. I started screaming "HELP ME. OMG, fucking help me" as loud as I could. I was screaming over and over. I stood in my bedroom and screamed. Something was wrong. This is not what a mother does.

I have to say. I NEVER wanted to hurt them. I never got to that point. But I would leave. I would put them down, and I would go outside. I would go out to our laundry room and I would scream at the top of my lungs. It is kind of amazing the police didn't come. Oh if they had, maybe they would take me away. Ah relief. I wanted to run away. In Brooke Shield's account she wanted to jump out of her apartment window. She said she wanted to kill herself. I never wanted to hurt myself. I just wanted to run away. I felt apathetic to the girls. I could careless. I wanted to run away. I felt nothing for them. I felt nothing but hatred and resentment towards my husband. I was SO tired and sad and this wasn't the way I envisioned motherhood. This SUCKED!

A few times, in the hazy fog of Groundhog days, I sat there staring, and I could hear the girls crying. I remember thinking, I wish someone would make that baby shut-up. I didn't get up, cause whatever was crying wasn't my business. I felt total apathy. I felt nothing. I was lifeless. Then it would hit me, oh shit those are my babies. But I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to get the hell out of dodge.

One morning at 6 am after he left. I sat there, pumping and feeding them in their boppies, watching the news. Overnight some lady had dropped off her baby at the hospital. The news reporter stated, you can take a newborn baby to any hospital, fire station, police station, no questions asked. YES! I could take them back. I perked up like I was in a cartoon. I could drop them off, and leave, and I would have 24 hours head start. No one would know I was gone. I could leave a note, so they knew I hadn't been killed or kidnapped, but had left on my own, by myself. I could be free. There was hope. Then I realized, Bobby would be mad at me. The girls would grow up and hate me. I was a horrible mother.

That was the low point. I thought I could leave my children and leave my husband and be ok. I am a horrible person... a horrible mother... a loser... worthless... a pathetic mess.

To be continued again....

Had I left, I would have missed this. And I refuse to miss a thing.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Down Came the Rain

I have decided I need to get some things off my chest, something I feel compelled to write in light of many things that have happened to me or friends and because I feel like it isn't talked at all. Something that is spoken about quickly and just as quickly dismissed. Somethings in case you are looking for someone that feels the same as you do or did. And so you know, you are NOT alone!

My friend Lyzz gave me a book, well an audio book (we have twins, we don't have time to read a book, let alone go to the bathroom alone) called Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields. It is Shield's account of her postpartum depression after treatments to become pregnant. As I listened, I thought about me and my girls, and my struggle after they were born and my guilt and all that came with the birth of my girls. I thought alot....

I have said a few things, but I have only been slightly truthful and forthcoming with information. I have only been 100% openly honest with Lyzz. She has twins, she had PPD too, we have some sort of kindred spiritual connection. I have said a few things to others, but I felt like they judged me and although they meant well, I didn't think anyone could completely understand.

So if you read this part of my story and feel the need to be rude or leave a nasty comment, please keep it to yourself and don't feel the need to return to my blog. Thanks bye!

After deciding to have a baby, I thought, life will be great. I would be this excellent mother that I had heard that I would be from my mom and friends and others. My mom has said over and over that I should "have a dozen". I on the other hand, envisioned a sweet little baby, nestled all snug in my arms, swaddled and staring at me sweetly and babbling. I never once envisioned that baby would cry and scream and turn red. I imagined myself standing over the crib and looking down and drinking in the smell and sight of my little baby... this little baby that Bobby and I lovingly created.

Then it all faded... it started with miscarriage number 1. My innocence was taken. Some part of my naivety died that horrid day in October 3 years ago. I wondered why me? Why us? Crackheads have babies all the time, people neglected and abuse their kids and they have 6. Why us? I was mad, angry, sad and devastated. Then I pulled up my boot straps and I was going to get pregnant. After having the D&C, the dr told us we could try again. So we did. Then...

Miscarriage #2 less than 8 weeks from the first one. After waiting for 2 weeks, I had to have another D&C. Then dr told us we had "bad luck". Again, I was angry and hurt and grieving the loss of 2 babies I would never hold, see, or feel that soft baby cheek against mine.

Then after a few more cycles of trying, I got diagnosed with PCOS. That explained some. But with the diagnosis, came a wave of sadness. After the initial shock, I was going to get pregnant, damn it. I did everything the dr told me to do. I went on a diet and I was exercising and if I did that, I could have some Clomid. Ok. Done. After going through that, month after month, I started to get down. The anniversary of what should have been the due date of my first m/c came and went. Still not pregnant. Then the due date came of the 2nd m/c. Still not pregnant. Then I started feeling sadder and sadder. But I WAS going to get pregnant.

After going to the Jones Inst., and having some more treatments and surgery and feeling worse and worse about myself. Every month getting my hopes up for over 2 years now only to have myself knocked down back into reality with a pregnancy test that only had 1 line on it.

Then one beautiful cold Sunday morning, I peed. And since I had become so use to seeing 1 line of the pregnancy test, I walked off and started cleaning the house. I knew I wasn't pregnant, so why bother. I don't even know how much later, I came back to the bathroom and there lying on the counter was a faint second blue line on the pregnancy test. And my world went crazy. I realized, I wasn't sure if that was really a line. I mean was it really, or was I seeing it. Then OMG I don't have to pee. But I had to. I mean was this real? So I got a paper cup and squeezed out as much pee as I could so I could dip the 1 digital pregnancy test I have been saving for months to pee on once I knew I was pregnant. But this was an emergency... was it a second blue line or not? After that 2 minutes of the little sand timer spinning on the CBE digital... "pregnant".

I cried and prayed and cried and sang Christmas carols as I drove to the fire station to tell Bobby. Getting pulled over for speeding on the way (luckily I whipped out my freshly peed on HPT and showed it to the cop, who let me off with a talking to). I was happy, scared, ecstatic, scared....

Then after a few scary weeks of HCG levels not doubling and spotting and all. 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, TWINS! Yes we won the baby lotto! Not only was I pregnant, but now it was twins, we would never have to go through all of this again. Life was going to be good!

I had a seemingly unexciting pregnancy, minus the carpal tunnel and possible 1 placenta that the u/s tech decided to scare me with. So all should be good, my wish was coming true.

Then August 8, 2009, I walked into the hospital to be induced at 37 weeks 5 days. After a pretty boring labor, I had my girls. I should have known something was wrong with me from the moment Kristin was born. Dr M put her on my stomach and I cringed. OMG she was bloody and had some nasty stuff on her and they told me to touch her. Ughhhh... I just wanted her off of me. Then when Lara was born, Dr M put her up on my belly too. OMG stop! After I was grossed out the first time, you would have thought he wouldn't have done it again. But I was just as grossed out on round 2! Please wash these babies up.

So here I was... mommy to twins. I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I didn't feel like myself. I just wanted to be alone. I just remember the nurse and Bobby smiling from ear to ear with my mom and his parents in tow rolling in the bassinets with the girls into my PP room. And right then and there I could have run. I was scared shitless. Didn't they know I wasn't old enough or something to have a baby, let alone two? Something was wrong here. But they handed them to me, feed them. WHAT? Oh yeah. I am going to breastfeed. And I sat there feeling weird and looking at this babies. And wondering why they were so foreign to me.

I didn't see this:

And I felt like this:

I wasn't myself. I felt like a fraud. I didn't know what I was doing. I wondered what the hell Bobby and I were thinking, why did we decide to have a baby? Why is he so in love with them? What's wrong with me? I was upset. I felt nothing. Nothing. I didn't have this overwhelming love that everyone said I would have. I didn't have a desire to sit there and stare at them. In fact, I was actually a little pissed at Bobby for not letting me send them to the nursery so we could get some rest. Instead, I sat there, listening to him snore and these creatures that made all kinds of noises and I felt... weird. They were alien to me. I didn't know them. I was fascinated that they came out of my body, that they had grown in there, but I had no attachment to them. Nothing.

I sat there and cried. This wasn't the motherhood I had planned for. This wasn't what I envisioned. Nothing like I imagined.

The hospital stay was a whirlwind. People coming and going. 2 babies constantly crying at night. Daytime, people were visiting and kissing all over these babies. And then there was me, sitting there in my bed, having this outer body experience. This wasn't real. And no one seemed to notice. Thank God, no one was paying attention to me.

36 hours after they were born, I was in tears yelling at Bobby in the middle of the night. Saying wtf had we done? Why couldn't we get them quiet? What else could we do? Bobby went and got the nurse, she said she could take them to the nursery but bring them back when they needed to be fed and Bobby was all "hell no or I will have to go be with them, we can't let them be down there". I wanted them to go, but with tears, I agreed to let them stay. I resented him. I resented them. I was tired. I needed sleep. I felt nothing... for anyone.

Then Lyzz came. She said to me "if you don't feel an overwhelming love right now, it's ok". But I couldn't say anything, she would think I was weird, besides, it is cause I am so tired, right? I told her about Bobby going home to take a nap... you know cause he was tired and all. And she knew something was going wrong, I was angry at him. Little did she know.

Dr M came to see me and do his check before I could leave. And I wanted to leave. Just no one knew I wanted to go alone. I just wanted to be alone. But then I felt so guilty for feeling like I needed to escape. Guilt. Sadness. No overwhelming love. And a flabby ruined body.

We came home and then it began....

That's all I can do tonight. This is hard. This is hard for me to admit. Makes me feel guilty. I am reliving this nightmare, this nightmare that I want to close the door on and not relive, let alone talk about or admit to.

So I will leave you with my sweet girls:

To be continued....

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Peas and Carrots

So before I get into my stuff... Here's some pictures of my little peas and carrots!

Can't remember what Kristin was eating... but she wanted everyone to see I guess.

Serious Kristin

Up close and personal Lara

So what's going on here... well, alot. These past few weeks have just been hell for me. I have just been busy, still hate going to work, and I had 2 friends lose a baby. My friend/ sitter Andrea went in for her OB appt at 10 wks and had a sac but no baby. Heartbreaking. That just sucks. Then another fellow IFer, Hokie alumni, blogger, Lindsay had a devastating accident and lost one of her twins, Lucas. It has really bothered me and I have never even met her... I found out about both of these losses on the 3rd anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. It certainly made this year's harder for me. Please keep them both in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks.

Well, as I promised Amy this is the current discussion going on in my home.

Baby #3.... to TTC or Not to TTC... that is the question....

Here's where we stand:

Bobby is a firm NO! Courtney is a "well, *ahem cough* maybe"...

How did I get here? I don't even know. If you had asked me a year ago, you would have gotten a VERY firm NO.. bordering on a possible Hell No, and if it was a bad day, a Hell Effing No! So I still don't know how we got to this conversation, but something has happened. No, I have NOT forgotten the Carpal Tunnel while pregnant or the Acid reflux or the Carpal Tunnel or the nausea or gaining a ton of weight or the Carpal Tunnel or the peeing or Carpal Tunnel or the vomiting and did I mention the Carpal Tunnel? Yes I remember all of that... even the carpal tunnel, which is enough to make me think that I am crazy and should check myself in to the closest hospital for a mental evaluation. But somehow it seems worth it.. yes I think it is possible I am crazy.

I also have not forgotten the colic baby or the newborn twin hell or the hours of crying (Kristin and me) or my Postpartum Depression (which I am now realizing I should have admitted a year ago that I had and another post sometime later) or my thoughts that I was losing my mind and how did this happen to me and the crying of my colic baby and me hearing voices/babies crying constantly, and the sleep deprivation... Nope, I have not forgotten any of it, but somehow now... it just doesn't seem as bad. I mean, now I know that I will survive and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Oh I remember being in the throes of having a colic baby, twin newborns, no husband support hell and SLEEP DEPRIVATION for basically a year... I remember WELL! But yet, I am willing to do it again. I guess this is why the human race did not end thousands of years ago, cause somehow, we as women forget the horrid details of pregnancy and childbirth and are willing to do it again.

And yes, I remember giving birth and (this is hard to admit) pooping in front of at least 30 people (ok, maybe realistically it was only 8, but when you are up in the stirrups pushing and you are pooping in someones face,I don't care if most- if not all women do it, I shit in some man's face, it is somehow the most disgusting thing ever and I will never forget that) while pushing and then feeling my hoo-ha after having them when I was in the shower and cleaning myself and thinking "Ummm... I don't think this is the way it was before". Nope, it wasn't. But somehow, that doesn't matter either. Cause it is worth it in the end.

Looking at my flabby, saggy, stretched marked to hell, wrinkly, loose skin, ripped abdominal muscles belly.... somehow it was worth it.

Bobby and I have discussed this at length... along with the money thing. Of course another baby means money and being in the careers we are in, neither of us will be millionaires or make huge money, so that means, well you know what it means. Bobby has been very adamant that he does not want another baby and that he doesn't want to even "try" for a boy, but will do it if it "makes me happy". I was a little shocked, he is such a guy's guy. I would have thought he'd want a little boy to do "guy stuff" with. He said 'everything I do is to make you happy, so if you want another baby, I will try'. He also thinks it is because my friends are having babies like Kate and some others.

He also said he would rather try now and not wait. I want to wait, besides I waited an extra year for him to even try the first time so I think waiting another 8 months is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. I have a "plan" for when I want to ttc again. Yeah yeah, I know we are "infertile" so I know I should take that into consideration, but whatever, I have a plan anyway. Wanna hear it:

I want to wait til school lets out, try for about 6 months, NO treatments (which means only 1 baby, right?), just Metformin and Progesterone (I need both I think) and if nothing, then it just wasn't meant to be. Sell the baby stuff and all the maternity stuff and know that we tried and it just wasn't in the cards for us. Done deal.

Just hoping that I can stick to my plan. However, I still have to get Bobby on board, he's the carrots to my peas. Plus, I still waiver some, sometimes I think I am crazy (ok I know I am crazy) and I will be severely outnumbered when Bobby is gone to work. Plus things are made for families of 4, like Disney vacations. Maybe I should just be happy with my 2 girls and call it done. But......

Sunday, October 10, 2010

My Pumpkins

We went to a Fall Festival and our little pumpkins picked out the pumpkins for our house:

Kristin was more interested in the straw than the pumpkins

Lara enjoyed playing on, with, around, whatever with the pumpkins

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I got my wish....

2 years ago, I blew out my birthday candles and I wished for a healthy baby. I guess I must have wished and prayed for it alot cause I got 2 beautiful babies instead...

Yesterday, I went to blow out my candles and realized I had received my wish. So I wished for... can't tell or it won't come true.

Go Hokies Go! Kristin even claps as I cheer... I will get a cheerleader in this pair if it is the last thing I do!

Lara loves to ride the push car and push herself backwards right into the entertainment center!

If you didn't get my Mommy a birthday present, I will attack you with my spaghetti covered hands!

**I guess I should have wrote this last year. But last year I was in the throes of Colic hell and newborn twins with no real hubby support since he was busy building the girls their playroom which is still being built. Exhibit A- first picture of the girls, you can see Bobby standing on the ladder STILL building the playroom!! Today getting shingles on the roof, so we are moving in the right direction! After a major leak occurred with the 20 inches of rain we got last week! AGGGGGHHHH more money... more time. Whatevahs!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I could have a passel!

Last week in the bath tub Lara just reached over and kissed Kristin:

Last night Kristin hugged and kissed Lara:

OMG they melt my heart. It brought tears to my eyes, as they were holding hands and talking and laughing with each other, I felt a little left out. I figure that will be what happens when they are 13 and I am no longer cool.

I keep getting things from WTE that says that your baby enjoys side by side play but really isn't interacting with other babies. They don't send much (or anything) in the way of having twins, but I am guessing that multiples makes the side by side play null and void. Mine play together. They want to be near each other. The exchange food, sippies, etc... they also fight over toys, food, sippies, toothbrushes etc. They must love each other, right? As you can see they do alot together like climbing onto the couch to look out the window:

Or have Lara pass Kristin the toys as Kristin sits/stands on the coffee table:

Watching them grow makes my heart ache. They are so cute with each other. Makes the baby bug bite....kinda.

**I get lucky with pics since I carry the camera or my phone wiht me and luckily, they kissed on each other a few times, so I got the pic and a video, but in the video they show more of them "bare"... and I don't want some nasty child mole.ster to be looking at my kids, so no video, sorry.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sneak Peak

at their Halloween costumes:

My little Strawberry Fairies! OMG I could eat them up!

I knew I would love them... just never knew that I would love them this much!

Lara has started taking 5-7 steps at a time. But when she falls, that's it, she is done and then she crawls!

Both girls crack me up with "where's your belly?" and them patting their bellies and laughing as they do it. Working on getting them to pat their heads consistently. They both blow me kisses! I love it!

PS. Can they stay just like this forever? PLEASE! Purtty Please? With a strawberry on top???

Monday, September 6, 2010

My new life...

So a year after my children were born my life has changed dramatically. I know you must be thinking... yeah having a kid(s) does that. But I mean things have severely changed for me. Here's how things have changed in no particular order:

1. Sleeping in on the weekends means maybe to 7:30 (sometimes later if it is a good morning)

2. Eating in 5 minutes (no wonder I am still fat)

3. Not going out on Friday or Saturday nights (and I don't even care, I'd rather be at home anyway)

4. Wanting to make my girls "stop" right at the age they are (I have done this a few times in their mere 1 year of life thus far)

5. I don't even know if I brush my hair somedays...and once again I don't care if I did or didn't

6. I'd rather buy something for them than me.

7. Sometimes I go in their room at night and look at them while they sleep and wonder how I made something that is THAT cute and if it is possible to love them any more than I do.

8. I find myself wondering how I thought I was "tired" before!

9. I say "No", "Sit down please, we don't stand in the tub" and "we don't throw our food on the floor" at least 200 times a day. Along with other phrases like 'Say thank you mommy'

10. An "adventure" is going to Target close to nap time!

11. Going out by myself to Target (after I put the girls to bed and Bobby is home) is "alone time"

12. That I am pissed M-F when I leave my house to go to work with someone else watching my kids (that includes Bobby watching them, I don't like it)

And I know that isn't all, but this is the shocking one for me:

I WANT to be a SAHM, well part time. I only want to work like 10 hours a week but get a full paycheck like I do now.

I know everyone's life changes "after baby". But I never in a million years thought I'd ever want to be a SAHM. But I do. I like being at home with them. I want to keep doing all those fun things I did all summer long with them. I want to keep going on "play dates" and watching them discover the world.

I DON'T want to go back to work at school. I want to be at home.

Anyone know of a job where I work minimal hours but get a full-time paycheck and all?

Interesting things around here:

Lara yells 'Krit-tin" (OMG I could eat them up)
They both climb onto the couch and anything they can (the hearth as well where it is fun to sit and push all the toys and books off, See pictures below)
They "talk" all the time and then laugh (probably at me)
They hold hands and share food from their highchairs (Once again, freaking adorable)

Here's some pictures cause I think they are the cutest bay-bays evah!

Kristin in her "If you think I am cute you should see my twin sister" outfit

The world looks better upside down!

Lara is going to be the next Dolce and Gabbana... she loves clothes

Lara's twin sister "rocks"

** Note: 3 of the 4 pictures are on the "baby proofed hearth" where they play etc. as if they don't have an overabudance of toys!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Birthday Extravaganza!

I know 2 posts in one day! But there was so much going on!

Starters, dr appt:

Kristin is 18 lbs 1 oz (10th) and 28 1/8 in (10th)
Lara is 16 lbs 7 oz (less than 3rd) and 27 1/2 in (5-10th)

Dr said they are healthy and doing good. They had mastered the 12 month milestones and most of the 15 month milestones. Geniuses! The vaccines though were rough, I am upset they left such bruises on their arms. Poor bay-bays!

Party weekend! We had alot of company and a house full. The birthday theme was "2 Peas in a Pod". I LOVED it and I only get to pick 2 birthday themes and I want to cherish my twins and play in the "twin" aspect until they won't let me anymore. Which will come I am sure! But they will always be "my twins". So here's some pictures from their party.

Presents are fun to open and play with, but they are tasty too!

Their cake:



Oh mommy, I feel sick!

A good time was had by all!

Birthday Twincesses!

My girls are 1!!!I can hardly believe it and then in other ways I feel like I am 10 years older since they were born!

We had their 1st birthday pictures taken. And since they are just so damn cute, we bought the CD with the copyright cause we always spend SO much and TOO much money on their pictures. But they will only be babies once and they are just TOO damn cute! Which I know I am biased, BUT they stopped traffic in the mall while getting these pictures done. People stopped and watched and I could see them saying "OMG they are SO cute" and "Oh how cute"! Well yeah!

Of course we got "Are they twins?" Nope they aren't, idiot, they are 4 months apart. I know they aren't identical but ummm... really? Are people that dumb? I already know that answer. Anyway, without further ado....

Aren't they the cutest things? OMG I am in love!