Saturday, October 23, 2010

Peas and Carrots

So before I get into my stuff... Here's some pictures of my little peas and carrots!




Can't remember what Kristin was eating... but she wanted everyone to see I guess.




Serious Kristin




Up close and personal Lara



So what's going on here... well, alot. These past few weeks have just been hell for me. I have just been busy, still hate going to work, and I had 2 friends lose a baby. My friend/ sitter Andrea went in for her OB appt at 10 wks and had a sac but no baby. Heartbreaking. That just sucks. Then another fellow IFer, Hokie alumni, blogger, Lindsay had a devastating accident and lost one of her twins, Lucas. It has really bothered me and I have never even met her... I found out about both of these losses on the 3rd anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. It certainly made this year's harder for me. Please keep them both in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks.

Well, as I promised Amy this is the current discussion going on in my home.

Baby #3.... to TTC or Not to TTC... that is the question....

Here's where we stand:

Bobby is a firm NO! Courtney is a "well, *ahem cough* maybe"...

How did I get here? I don't even know. If you had asked me a year ago, you would have gotten a VERY firm NO.. bordering on a possible Hell No, and if it was a bad day, a Hell Effing No! So I still don't know how we got to this conversation, but something has happened. No, I have NOT forgotten the Carpal Tunnel while pregnant or the Acid reflux or the Carpal Tunnel or the nausea or gaining a ton of weight or the Carpal Tunnel or the peeing or Carpal Tunnel or the vomiting and did I mention the Carpal Tunnel? Yes I remember all of that... even the carpal tunnel, which is enough to make me think that I am crazy and should check myself in to the closest hospital for a mental evaluation. But somehow it seems worth it.. yes I think it is possible I am crazy.

I also have not forgotten the colic baby or the newborn twin hell or the hours of crying (Kristin and me) or my Postpartum Depression (which I am now realizing I should have admitted a year ago that I had and another post sometime later) or my thoughts that I was losing my mind and how did this happen to me and the crying of my colic baby and me hearing voices/babies crying constantly, and the sleep deprivation... Nope, I have not forgotten any of it, but somehow now... it just doesn't seem as bad. I mean, now I know that I will survive and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Oh I remember being in the throes of having a colic baby, twin newborns, no husband support hell and SLEEP DEPRIVATION for basically a year... I remember WELL! But yet, I am willing to do it again. I guess this is why the human race did not end thousands of years ago, cause somehow, we as women forget the horrid details of pregnancy and childbirth and are willing to do it again.

And yes, I remember giving birth and (this is hard to admit) pooping in front of at least 30 people (ok, maybe realistically it was only 8, but when you are up in the stirrups pushing and you are pooping in someones face,I don't care if most- if not all women do it, I shit in some man's face, it is somehow the most disgusting thing ever and I will never forget that) while pushing and then feeling my hoo-ha after having them when I was in the shower and cleaning myself and thinking "Ummm... I don't think this is the way it was before". Nope, it wasn't. But somehow, that doesn't matter either. Cause it is worth it in the end.

Looking at my flabby, saggy, stretched marked to hell, wrinkly, loose skin, ripped abdominal muscles belly.... somehow it was worth it.

Bobby and I have discussed this at length... along with the money thing. Of course another baby means money and being in the careers we are in, neither of us will be millionaires or make huge money, so that means, well you know what it means. Bobby has been very adamant that he does not want another baby and that he doesn't want to even "try" for a boy, but will do it if it "makes me happy". I was a little shocked, he is such a guy's guy. I would have thought he'd want a little boy to do "guy stuff" with. He said 'everything I do is to make you happy, so if you want another baby, I will try'. He also thinks it is because my friends are having babies like Kate and some others.

He also said he would rather try now and not wait. I want to wait, besides I waited an extra year for him to even try the first time so I think waiting another 8 months is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. I have a "plan" for when I want to ttc again. Yeah yeah, I know we are "infertile" so I know I should take that into consideration, but whatever, I have a plan anyway. Wanna hear it:

I want to wait til school lets out, try for about 6 months, NO treatments (which means only 1 baby, right?), just Metformin and Progesterone (I need both I think) and if nothing, then it just wasn't meant to be. Sell the baby stuff and all the maternity stuff and know that we tried and it just wasn't in the cards for us. Done deal.

Just hoping that I can stick to my plan. However, I still have to get Bobby on board, he's the carrots to my peas. Plus, I still waiver some, sometimes I think I am crazy (ok I know I am crazy) and I will be severely outnumbered when Bobby is gone to work. Plus things are made for families of 4, like Disney vacations. Maybe I should just be happy with my 2 girls and call it done. But......

2 comments:

The Fluck Family said...

hahah, i just had this discussion with stephen last night. you remember the details, but your heart/body forgets how you actually felt. it has to. the human race wouldn't survive without it! lol!

Dawn said...

I don't think you're crazy at all! Like you said, you remember it all but it's all worth it in the end. I've been thinking and Aiden's dad and I have talked about having another baby, like you I have waivered on the subject. So as you were explaining how you remembered all of the hard times and the lack of sleep and ended with "but in the end it's worth it" I teared up because you are absolutely right. The best job in the world is the job of mommy and THAT will trump everything every time!!! BTW I have heard that once you have been pregnant and carried to term it is easier to get pregnant again. I hope that is true for you and Bobby! Good luck Courtney :-)