I thought coming home from the hospital would be what I needed. I needed out of the hospital where people were poking and pushing on my stomach and IF I was asleep, waking me up to take my temperature and blood pressure. I'd be at home, everything was going to be better at home, right? All I needed was my bed, my stuff, right? It would be better at home, right?
So as I was wheeled out of the hospital, we got alot of 'Oh twins' and 'Oh they are so beautiful, congrats'. I sat there smiling and said the "Yeah we are so lucky' 'thanks, we think they are beautiful too' But really I was thinking, "yeah you wouldn't think that if you had been in our room last night with 2 screaming babies last night.... all night'.
But I was going home. It would be better at home. It had to be better at home, Right?
I look back at the pictures of us getting home. Standing in front of the storks my mom ordered and taking pictures. I smiled and held them as we got pictures taken. But I was a fraud. I didn't want to hold them. I didn't want to be in those pictures. Those weren't really MY babies. I still felt nothing, I just wanted to run away. But I was too tired to run!
During the day, it was the same as in the hospital, people coming to see the babies. And still no sleep for me. Then everyone would leave and then hell would begin...
As Bobby and I settled into bed, one of them would start crying. In my head "damn it, what now?" I didn't have this desire to run and see what was wrong. I just wanted them to sleep and be quiet. Go to sleep! Damn! STOP crying! OMG! Then Bobby would change them and I would get settled in to nurse them and he'd lay back down and suddenly he would be snoring and they were suckling away and then I would sit there and cry. Tears streaming down my face. I didn't love them. I hated my husband. How can he sleep? If I had had something sharp by the bed, I probably would have done something to him. (That sounds crazy to even type, but I was SO angry) I wanted to sleep. I was tired of somebody constantly wanting something from me.
Then after an hour of nursing, they'd be done. I would lay them back in the bassinet and I'd lay down and I swear barely close my eyes and then BAM... one would be crying again. It was an hour later and hungry AGAIN! Fuck! Bobby would get up and change them and I settled in with the big huge nursing pillow and get them settled in and nursing and then the snoring starting and then my crying. Every hour was like this....
After my first night at home, Lyzz sent me a text: "Are you crying yet?" I read it and burst into tears, typed back "yes" and she called. Lyzz reassured me it was normal. Normal to cry for no reason? Really? Something couldn't be right about this. I called my sister who is a dr and she reassured me too that Yes it was normal and that it was the hormonal changes and the crying would stop and Yes she had cried too.
During the day, it wasn't as bad. Bobby's parents were there and somehow the girls slept more during the day. I could get a little nap. I would lay down to nap, but I could "hear" them. I could hear them making noises and crying. Yet they weren't making noises or crying. I was going crazy from the sleep deprivation.
One of those first few days, as I laid down to take a nap, Bobby was laying there with me and I was crying. He asked me why was I crying and what was wrong with me? I sheepishly said "I don't love them. I don' want to kiss them. I feel like a liar when I say I love them when people say how much I was in love, my boobs ached and felt all knotty like pearls under my skin and let's not even discuss my lady parts. My body is ruined" Bobby said to me that I was just tired and it was hard on me physically cause I had just had 2 babies and that I did love them, I just didn't know it. In my mind- noted. Don't tell Bobby anything else honestly. He started snoring and I laid there and cried...hearing them cry. I got up and came out in the living room. No one was here. Bobby's parents had taken the girls out in the backyard to sunbathe, with Kristin's jaundice we were suppose to expose her to sunlight. So I was literally hearing babies cry, that weren't there. Great I really am losing my shit. So what did I do? I cried some more.
As the days came and went like Groundhog Day, same day over and over. The girls were eating every 2 hours and taking an hour to eat. And I was lucky to get 45 mins of sleep at a time. Then it came time for Bobby to go back to work. Oh shit. Don't leave me alone with them. Not only was Bobby going back to work, but Lyzz had to go back too (Lyzz had taken her infant twins to the babysitter to come help me a couple of times). Now no one was home during the day to talk to me. GREAT.
The first morning when Bobby left to go to work. I cried. Shit, now what am I going to do? I could only have self pity so long. Cause of course one of the babies started. Damn it. I felt nothing when they cried except resentment. Their cries sounded like nails on the chalkboard to me. I just wanted it to stop. Stop damn it! Bobby's first day back to work, turned into 72 hours of him being gone. So I was alone with them for 3 days straight. No one to help me. No one here to help me keep what little bit of sanity that I had left, if I had any.
Then my friend Leanne called. Was Bobby home? No. Ok, good, I am bringing you dinner? have you eaten anything? No. Ok, I am coming.
Thank God. Had I eaten? When was the last time I ate? I don't know. Leanne has twins herself, she came in with food and demanded for me to shower and she "had it". Take a nap. Eat in peace. "I got it Courtney". I took a shower. I sat there with the water running over me and cried. I was losing my mind. I didn't have it together. God knew better, He had tried to tell me I wasn't going to be a good mom, so He was protecting the world from me having kids, and I messed with science. OMG what was wrong with me? I felt nothing for these babies that I had begged for, cried for, prayed for... after all I went through and I felt like this. What was wrong with me? I didn't want them. (Leanne actually came every night Bobby was at work, or she sent her mom who is best friends with my mom, I think now Leanne knew I was having a hard time, but she also knew about having infant twins)
Soon I noticed that Bobby was leaving earlier and earlier for work. He had to be there at 7:30 am. It takes 15-20 mins from our house to get there, but he would leave at 6 am, sometimes earlier like he was trying to be out of the house before they got up. I resented him. I wanted to get out of here too. I wanted to leave them so I could get some sleep. He napped at the fire station. He got full nights of sleep. And here I was, hadn't sleep in months. MONTHS. Even before they were born. And I hated his guts because of it. I was tired... and going crazy.
Then one night while Bobby was at work, it was 1 am and Kristin stopped wanting to nurse, she was screaming and not latching on. And throwing herself backwards. I was frustrated. She was frustrated. Both of us were crying. Just eat. Nope. She was screaming. Screaming. OMG shut up! OMG, stop! OMG I am going to lose it. She wouldn't stop to eat. Fuck, now Lara is crying. OMG. HELP! They were crying. I was crying. They were screaming. I started screaming "HELP ME. OMG, fucking help me" as loud as I could. I was screaming over and over. I stood in my bedroom and screamed. Something was wrong. This is not what a mother does.
I have to say. I NEVER wanted to hurt them. I never got to that point. But I would leave. I would put them down, and I would go outside. I would go out to our laundry room and I would scream at the top of my lungs. It is kind of amazing the police didn't come. Oh if they had, maybe they would take me away. Ah relief. I wanted to run away. In Brooke Shield's account she wanted to jump out of her apartment window. She said she wanted to kill herself. I never wanted to hurt myself. I just wanted to run away. I felt apathetic to the girls. I could careless. I wanted to run away. I felt nothing for them. I felt nothing but hatred and resentment towards my husband. I was SO tired and sad and this wasn't the way I envisioned motherhood. This SUCKED!
A few times, in the hazy fog of Groundhog days, I sat there staring, and I could hear the girls crying. I remember thinking, I wish someone would make that baby shut-up. I didn't get up, cause whatever was crying wasn't my business. I felt total apathy. I felt nothing. I was lifeless. Then it would hit me, oh shit those are my babies. But I didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to get the hell out of dodge.
One morning at 6 am after he left. I sat there, pumping and feeding them in their boppies, watching the news. Overnight some lady had dropped off her baby at the hospital. The news reporter stated, you can take a newborn baby to any hospital, fire station, police station, no questions asked. YES! I could take them back. I perked up like I was in a cartoon. I could drop them off, and leave, and I would have 24 hours head start. No one would know I was gone. I could leave a note, so they knew I hadn't been killed or kidnapped, but had left on my own, by myself. I could be free. There was hope. Then I realized, Bobby would be mad at me. The girls would grow up and hate me. I was a horrible mother.
That was the low point. I thought I could leave my children and leave my husband and be ok. I am a horrible person... a horrible mother... a loser... worthless... a pathetic mess.
To be continued again....
Had I left, I would have missed this. And I refuse to miss a thing.
2 years ago