Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Part 3 of my PPD

After a few more nights of Kristin fighting me to nurse, she was screaming all day long. I called Bobby at the fire station, I am going to lose it, I said. He asked if he needed to come home, what was wrong with her? How the hell do I know, and if I did know don't you think I would give it to her? I need her to stop. I am at the end of my rope.

We decided for me to take her to the dr. I called. No they couldn't fit me in today. So I said, She has been crying for hours. I will come sit in the waiting room with her crying until Dr B can see me. Hold please. Ok we can see you at 3. Is that ok? OK 3 pm.

So in my newborn hell, I went to the dr. He took a look, Oh she has some colic... and might have some reflux. Let's try this. Thank you, will she stop crying now?

She started taking Zantac for her reflux, I guess it helped. She didn't fight eating like she was. But at this point I decided I wasn't going to nurse her anymore. I would pump and put it in a bottle for her. I still would nurse Lara when I could and I pumped ALOT.

Kristin still cried for hours and that made things hard for me. I couldn't take all the crying. This is when Bobby decided to build the playroom for them (yes the one we are STILL building over a year later, yes that same room). I mean I understood escaping to outside, I wanted to escape too. This is when things got even worse for Bobby and me. I really was angry at him. I don't know why except that he seemed to be able to avoid taking care of the twins unlike I was able to. I was STUCK. TRAPPED. Trapped at home. Exhausted. I wanted to get away. But I couldn't. He left every other night and got a full night's sleep. I didn't. It pissed me off profusely when he said "I'm tired" Really? You are? Asshole.

I went for my 6 week post delivery check up. Kristin cried the whole time. And Bobby did something that he couldn't watch the girls so I could go by myself. So I had to go in the stirrups with Kristin screaming and my shirt soaking wet from her screaming. Dr M asked me how I was doing and we discussed birth control. I didn't care WHAT he gave me, just make SURE I couldn't get knocked up. Please, thank you very much. We discussed if Bobby and I were intimate. HELL NO, I don't even like him AND he thinks that we need to discuss putting Reese (Gosh I miss you buddy) to sleep. Umm... not a good time, Reese is sometimes the only person I like in the house right now. Yes I actually told Dr M that the dog was the only person in the house I liked most of the time. He should have caught on that SOMETHING was WRONG. But I use humor sometimes to hide my real feelings, so in fairness maybe he thought I was joking... I wasn't. Of course Dr M told me maybe sex would make me feel better. Whatever, you are a man, of course you think that. He also asked me if I "needed something". No. Nothing is wrong with me. I just hate my husband... I couldn't say I felt apathetic to everything. I mean what kind of mother would I be if I said it out loud?

We decided on the Mirena and I could come back to get it in. I tried to schedule the appt as far out as possible, but the receptionist, who was probably trying to get me the hell out since Kristin was still screaming, scheduled it for like 10 days later. When I got home, of course Bobby wanted to know if we were "cleared" for sex. Ummm... No, Dr M said we should wait til after the IUD. DON'T want to get pregnant...ok? Of course it wasn't what he said but I wasn't having sex so LEAVE me alone!

Then it was getting closer and closer for me to go back to work. I wanted to go. But I didn't want to go. I was Exhausted! I was excited to get time to "myself" (yes you can laugh at that). But if I went to work, it would be like a 'break'. Kristin still cried several times a day, ranging from a half hour to hours. Whatever she felt like.

The PPD continues. However, the guilt was killing me. How could I feel like this? To top it off there was all kinds of stuff going on. My friend Kate had been pregnant with twins and had lost her twins due to infection and possible incompetent cervix. And Maggie had had a traumatic birth and Rachel was a little tiny preemie in the NICU. And here I sat, totally unattached and a horrible distant mother, I had everything that alot of women wanted, I had a healthy pregnancy, 2 healthy babies and here I sat. Sad. Alone. Depressed. Crying. I felt like a piece of shit. So how could I say anything? I even talked to Kate most days, but I didn't let on, I mean how could I? She was grieving for her twins and I didn't even want mine around me. I was horrible. I felt guilty. I felt so selfish and ... I don't even know. I can't even tell you how I felt, because I felt so horrible. Here I had wanted a baby and I had that. I had prayed a million prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I had that. Two babies actually. I mean, what more could I want?

After all of the treatments, I was given everything I dreamed of. Except I felt like I was in a nightmare. A bad horror movie. I was in hell.


Guilt is a BAD thing. I felt guilty for how I felt. I secluded myself some. I know there was days, when people called, I just didn't answer the phone. I didn't want to lie, I mean talk. It was too much work. I couldn't even tell my best friend (who told me how I would just stare at them in awe and be amazed by them and I would feel this overwhelming love for them) that Nope, I felt nothing. I wanted to go back to my "old life", but I was trapped. Trapped in this hell. It was never going to get better. I was stuck.

I went back to work. I didn't cry when I left them with the sitter. People asked me that at work that morning. "Oh didn't you cry as you drove off?"
Isn't it terrible to leave them, I mean OMG they are so cute". I just shook my head yes... I cried... of course it was the hardest thing I ever did to leave them there. I was thinking, yeah I cried.... cried tears of joy. Yes I was FREE! Someone else could deal with Kristin's crying. WOO HOO!

I was still getting up 2 times a night with them. I was exhausted and in a "coma" if you ask me. I went to work, I was still in Groundhog Day, weeks flew by. Only irritating thing was how bitchy women are. At work someone "told" on me that I wasn't accepting their suggestions on how to teach a student. My principal came to talk to me about "being more positive" and made a nice suggestion for me to get a nanny so I could get more sleep. And that maybe if I didn't have such a nice car, we could afford a nanny. Eff off asshole. Anyway... didn't get a nanny, noted, smile at work and suck up people's bs comments about teaching (mind your own business school psychologist) and do what I was told. Be the "teacher I want my kids to have". Ok.

I also had said some things about Kristin crying and her colic and that I was tired and a little frustrated. Somehow that turned into women talking shit that I hated my kids and blah blah blah. Eff off too. Lyzz gave them a nice cold shoulder for me and warned me. Noted, don't talk about my kids at work. Smile. Everything is great.

Everything wasn't great. But I am a good actress. I could fake it. But it was all very exhausting. And inside I was screaming. And sometimes I screamed at home when all hell was breaking lose and I was SO tired.

Then things started to change some. Kristin's colic fit came right when we walked in the door after work. YAY me. But somehow I was able to handle it better after missing the other ones during the day. (Even the sitter said "she cries alot") So them more guilt came. I started to 'like' Lara. She was such an easy baby. She cried to be changed, cried to eat, other than that, she was happy. But I could also calm her quickly, not with Kristin though. And it frustrated me, because I felt like I neglected Lara to hold Kristin while she screamed. Lara seemed to only get attention when Bobby or someone else was around. And when someone came around and wanted to hold a baby, here hold Kristin. I felt like I never got to hold Lara. Then I had to hear my mother say, "I only ever see you hold Lara". Which I said, of course cause I never get to hold her, but you are holding Kristin so I can hold Lara now. OMG my mom noticed that I was crazy.... I felt even worse now. I mean I may 'like' Lara but Kristin still frustrated me ALOT. I was struggling. And I felt guilty. GUILTY. Did I say GUILTY? Cause that is a horrible thing to say. I liked one baby more than the other. Who does that? OMG, I am a horrible, ungrateful, piece of crap mother.

Slowly, it started. We only got up one time during the night. That made things slightly better. I still was attached to my best friend Medela Pump in Style. She was my friend. The whoosh, whoosh sound for 15 minutes, 8 times a day. But I wasn't going to quit giving them breast milk. NO matter how many people told me to stop. I wasn't a quitter and I was going to win. I think the endless hours of pumping may have added to the PPD. I felt attached to that damn pump. It was ALL I did. I lived in 3 hour segments of time. Pump. Wash the parts. Do stuff. Pump. Vicious cycle. But I did it. And I survived... barely sometimes.

The girls are up from their nap.... I will continue later, But I will leave you with the cutest pumpkins in the patch:


Anonymous said...

First off, I'm pissed at your doctor for saying, "maybe sex would make me feel better." What the hell.

When I broke down at my check-up my doctor asked if I thought it was "baby blues" or something more. My husband said baby blues...I said something more. I knew what severe depression felt like. Thankfully, I did because without zoloft I know I wouldn't have gotten better. I sure hope this story ends with you getting some help!

I also relate to the pumping, once I let go of the guilt that I couldn't breast feed and returned that damn pump, I felt so much better.

Steph said...

Guilt is something I never knew came with being a mother. As soon as I had Matthew, suddenly I felt guilty.

I remember the first night Matthew was born. He didn't really cry. Aw, how sweet is he I thought. Then came the second night in the hospital...oh dear. Whose baby is this??? Where did that cry come from?? Kyle and I were shocked, yep, he's a screamer. He had bad colic for 3 1/2 months and it lingered in the evenings for a few months after that. I can't possibly imagine having one twin with it and trying to take care of her AND the other twin.

You ARE a good mother, even back during the Groundhog Days. You took care of them even on your worst days. I'm so glad you had people in your life who stepped in to help. I needed help some days even with just one baby. The crying and lack of sleep makes you lose your mind. I just want to hug you.