Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My thoughts

In the past 2 weeks, I have had some people say somethings to me- alluding to the fact that I am not 100% happy about being pregnant and that I am taking this pregnancy for granted or bitching about my body or things I can no longer do. Plus, some others no longer want to be "friends" because I am pregnant and they are not YET. So I feel weird even having to write this post but I feel that I need to get some feelings off of my chest- whether or not these people ever know that they have "hurt" my feelings, plus I am not carrying around anymore stress or taking it with me into a new year.

In the beginning (April 2007), I came off the pill thinking I would be pregnant in no time. It did take a few months but I did get pregnant. I even got to see my "blob" but no heart beat cause my dr said it "was possibly too early but I am concerned as the baby is a little small for where you should be". I should have known then but I continued on in my ignorant bliss buying gifts for my baby and maternity clothes. Happily gaining weight and rubbing my belly only to go in 4 weeks later to have no heartbeat, and Bobby and I got to "decide" how to end the pregnancy (D&C, do it at home with some med, or do it naturally). I did get pregnant again pretty quickly, only not have the beta number go up and I sat around for 2+ weeks waiting for my body to simultaneously miscarry. So I got to experience another D&C. I got to add some more scar tissue to my cervix and possibly making it "harder" for me to get pregnant, just what I needed. Plus, I got to grieve for 2 babies that I will never get to hold, kiss, see grow up, get married, etc. Through this my Ob thought that we had "bad luck" and sent me home with some progesterone suppositories cause "it couldn't hurt" since all my blood work came back normal. So when he saw the cysts and diagnosed me with PCOS he was probably more shocked than I was.

Anyway, I digressed. I am so excited to be pregnant after waiting and trying so hard. I was very aggressive with my treatments- ready to move on, if that's what it meant to get me to the means faster, even after only a few attempts with each different med or even having surgery. However, right now- I am also scared shitless that I could miscarry again. I have become the inspector of the toilet paper- constantly looking to make sure I am not bleeding. Every time I feel something I run to the bathroom to make sure it wasn't blood. Every cramp I feel, stops me in my tracks. I can't sleep at night from the anxiety (probably mixed with the hormones and having to pee). I am SO afraid that when we go in on January 9th for our u/s that Bobby and I will be faced yet again with a baby(ies) with no heartbeat. I don't want people to feel bad for me, just understand that until I am holding my baby in my arms- I will live with some type of fear of it being ripped away from me. Cause in my 20 months of TTC, I got to read all about m/cs and late m/cs and early labor and babies dying in utero. Then I have to worry about birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities. Thanks Google. I would rather just be ignorant and go through this like nothing could go wrong. Instead I get to analyze every twinge, cramp, CM, nausea episode or lack there of. I wanted to be pregnant and I am NOT taking this for granted as I know what a miracle it is to ever get to be pregnant. I have been a big cheerleader for so many that I know "in real life" and for those of you who are my on-line buds. And I will continue to do so until ALL the people I care about are holding their precious babies in their arms.

On that note- I wish everyone ALL the happiness that I can muster for a wonderful and "fruitful" 2009! Happy New Year!! 2009 is going to be awesome!


Sarah said...

I dont think anyone who has ever experienced the loss of a pregnancy, infertility, or anything of the sort could ever take a pregnancy for granted.

Dont worry about what people think. Those that mind, dont matter. Those that matter, dont mind. Bitch away if you want to, complain, cry, be happy, sad, mad, excited! You've earned every emotion or thought you feel!

I am so so happy for you( and I couldnt care less that you got there before me! Because thats just retarded!) I will continue to keep you, your husband and your baby(or more?!) in my thoughts. And may this be the most boring text book pregnancy ever!

'Murgdan' said...

Well, I'm happy for you Courtney...I hope 2009 holds the realization of all of our dreams...and I don't always comment--but I do always read.

Dawn's Recipes / The Baby Blog said...

I hope you know I was just teasing about the mimosas! You know we're all happy for you! (Even those of us who are a little jealous..haha!)

AmyC623 said...

Oh Courtney - I'm sorry people were being sh!theads to you. I hope you don't think because I haven't been posting it means I don't want to be friends anymore :-(. I am truly, truly happy for you and am excited that your dream has finally come true.

I have been sort of trying to wean myself off of the infertility internets (or at least trying) because I am 94.7% ready to throw in the towel. But I thought I should hop on to let you know that I am outrageously happy for you and I know you will be a spectacular mommy!!! (((HUGS)))

Joye said...

((Hugs)) People are so strange. Going through the journey to get where you are and now trying to get through this to your baby is hard enough without freaks adding to the worry about how they feel about your situation! uuuuhhhh Best wishes for you and your baby.

Lea said...

I'm happy for you too. Wishing you a very uneventful pregnancy and a Happy New Year!

Heather said...

Hey! I dont usually post on blogs, but what the heck! Don't ever feel guilty about what you are feeling, it is completely normal. I have only gone through a fraction of what you have had to, and I spent my own pregnancy watching the toilet paper and analyzing every little "thing" that I felt, so I, and everyone who has ever lost a baby, knows what you are going through. Besides, part of the wonderful world of pregnancy is being able to complain and be unreasonable! Dry heaving SUCKS, and so does watching everyone else have a glass of Champaign :)

KandiB said...

I'm right there with you, Courtney. I feel exactly the same way and have had lots of comments, too. Even one from my husband: "you'll just have to be happy with a "normal" pregnancy." Even he doesn't really get it.

Then there's those that do, who also are being "cautiously optomistic" - like my mom. Those who are close to us are still holding their breath, just like us, and those who aren't as familiar with the pain, don't have a clue and wonder why we aren't running around blissfully.

I try each day to dwell on the fact that Ive made it "one more day." You will, too!

The one and now only Jodi Bird said...

Courtney, Good luck to you today! I'm here if you ever need anything. Even if it's just to vent!