Down Came the Rain

I have decided I need to get some things off my chest, something I feel compelled to write in light of many things that have happened to me or friends and because I feel like it isn't talked at all. Something that is spoken about quickly and just as quickly dismissed. Somethings in case you are looking for someone that feels the same as you do or did. And so you know, you are NOT alone!

My friend Lyzz gave me a book, well an audio book (we have twins, we don't have time to read a book, let alone go to the bathroom alone) called Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields. It is Shield's account of her postpartum depression after treatments to become pregnant. As I listened, I thought about me and my girls, and my struggle after they were born and my guilt and all that came with the birth of my girls. I thought alot....

I have said a few things, but I have only been slightly truthful and forthcoming with information. I have only been 100% openly honest with Lyzz. She has twins, she had PPD too, we have some sort of kindred spiritual connection. I have said a few things to others, but I felt like they judged me and although they meant well, I didn't think anyone could completely understand.

So if you read this part of my story and feel the need to be rude or leave a nasty comment, please keep it to yourself and don't feel the need to return to my blog. Thanks bye!

After deciding to have a baby, I thought, life will be great. I would be this excellent mother that I had heard that I would be from my mom and friends and others. My mom has said over and over that I should "have a dozen". I on the other hand, envisioned a sweet little baby, nestled all snug in my arms, swaddled and staring at me sweetly and babbling. I never once envisioned that baby would cry and scream and turn red. I imagined myself standing over the crib and looking down and drinking in the smell and sight of my little baby... this little baby that Bobby and I lovingly created.

Then it all faded... it started with miscarriage number 1. My innocence was taken. Some part of my naivety died that horrid day in October 3 years ago. I wondered why me? Why us? Crackheads have babies all the time, people neglected and abuse their kids and they have 6. Why us? I was mad, angry, sad and devastated. Then I pulled up my boot straps and I was going to get pregnant. After having the D&C, the dr told us we could try again. So we did. Then...

Miscarriage #2 less than 8 weeks from the first one. After waiting for 2 weeks, I had to have another D&C. Then dr told us we had "bad luck". Again, I was angry and hurt and grieving the loss of 2 babies I would never hold, see, or feel that soft baby cheek against mine.

Then after a few more cycles of trying, I got diagnosed with PCOS. That explained some. But with the diagnosis, came a wave of sadness. After the initial shock, I was going to get pregnant, damn it. I did everything the dr told me to do. I went on a diet and I was exercising and if I did that, I could have some Clomid. Ok. Done. After going through that, month after month, I started to get down. The anniversary of what should have been the due date of my first m/c came and went. Still not pregnant. Then the due date came of the 2nd m/c. Still not pregnant. Then I started feeling sadder and sadder. But I WAS going to get pregnant.

After going to the Jones Inst., and having some more treatments and surgery and feeling worse and worse about myself. Every month getting my hopes up for over 2 years now only to have myself knocked down back into reality with a pregnancy test that only had 1 line on it.

Then one beautiful cold Sunday morning, I peed. And since I had become so use to seeing 1 line of the pregnancy test, I walked off and started cleaning the house. I knew I wasn't pregnant, so why bother. I don't even know how much later, I came back to the bathroom and there lying on the counter was a faint second blue line on the pregnancy test. And my world went crazy. I realized, I wasn't sure if that was really a line. I mean was it really, or was I seeing it. Then OMG I don't have to pee. But I had to. I mean was this real? So I got a paper cup and squeezed out as much pee as I could so I could dip the 1 digital pregnancy test I have been saving for months to pee on once I knew I was pregnant. But this was an emergency... was it a second blue line or not? After that 2 minutes of the little sand timer spinning on the CBE digital... "pregnant".

I cried and prayed and cried and sang Christmas carols as I drove to the fire station to tell Bobby. Getting pulled over for speeding on the way (luckily I whipped out my freshly peed on HPT and showed it to the cop, who let me off with a talking to). I was happy, scared, ecstatic, scared....

Then after a few scary weeks of HCG levels not doubling and spotting and all. 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, TWINS! Yes we won the baby lotto! Not only was I pregnant, but now it was twins, we would never have to go through all of this again. Life was going to be good!

I had a seemingly unexciting pregnancy, minus the carpal tunnel and possible 1 placenta that the u/s tech decided to scare me with. So all should be good, my wish was coming true.

Then August 8, 2009, I walked into the hospital to be induced at 37 weeks 5 days. After a pretty boring labor, I had my girls. I should have known something was wrong with me from the moment Kristin was born. Dr M put her on my stomach and I cringed. OMG she was bloody and had some nasty stuff on her and they told me to touch her. Ughhhh... I just wanted her off of me. Then when Lara was born, Dr M put her up on my belly too. OMG stop! After I was grossed out the first time, you would have thought he wouldn't have done it again. But I was just as grossed out on round 2! Please wash these babies up.

So here I was... mommy to twins. I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I didn't feel like myself. I just wanted to be alone. I just remember the nurse and Bobby smiling from ear to ear with my mom and his parents in tow rolling in the bassinets with the girls into my PP room. And right then and there I could have run. I was scared shitless. Didn't they know I wasn't old enough or something to have a baby, let alone two? Something was wrong here. But they handed them to me, feed them. WHAT? Oh yeah. I am going to breastfeed. And I sat there feeling weird and looking at this babies. And wondering why they were so foreign to me.

I didn't see this:



And I felt like this:



I wasn't myself. I felt like a fraud. I didn't know what I was doing. I wondered what the hell Bobby and I were thinking, why did we decide to have a baby? Why is he so in love with them? What's wrong with me? I was upset. I felt nothing. Nothing. I didn't have this overwhelming love that everyone said I would have. I didn't have a desire to sit there and stare at them. In fact, I was actually a little pissed at Bobby for not letting me send them to the nursery so we could get some rest. Instead, I sat there, listening to him snore and these creatures that made all kinds of noises and I felt... weird. They were alien to me. I didn't know them. I was fascinated that they came out of my body, that they had grown in there, but I had no attachment to them. Nothing.

I sat there and cried. This wasn't the motherhood I had planned for. This wasn't what I envisioned. Nothing like I imagined.

The hospital stay was a whirlwind. People coming and going. 2 babies constantly crying at night. Daytime, people were visiting and kissing all over these babies. And then there was me, sitting there in my bed, having this outer body experience. This wasn't real. And no one seemed to notice. Thank God, no one was paying attention to me.

36 hours after they were born, I was in tears yelling at Bobby in the middle of the night. Saying wtf had we done? Why couldn't we get them quiet? What else could we do? Bobby went and got the nurse, she said she could take them to the nursery but bring them back when they needed to be fed and Bobby was all "hell no or I will have to go be with them, we can't let them be down there". I wanted them to go, but with tears, I agreed to let them stay. I resented him. I resented them. I was tired. I needed sleep. I felt nothing... for anyone.

Then Lyzz came. She said to me "if you don't feel an overwhelming love right now, it's ok". But I couldn't say anything, she would think I was weird, besides, it is cause I am so tired, right? I told her about Bobby going home to take a nap... you know cause he was tired and all. And she knew something was going wrong, I was angry at him. Little did she know.

Dr M came to see me and do his check before I could leave. And I wanted to leave. Just no one knew I wanted to go alone. I just wanted to be alone. But then I felt so guilty for feeling like I needed to escape. Guilt. Sadness. No overwhelming love. And a flabby ruined body.

We came home and then it began....

That's all I can do tonight. This is hard. This is hard for me to admit. Makes me feel guilty. I am reliving this nightmare, this nightmare that I want to close the door on and not relive, let alone talk about or admit to.

So I will leave you with my sweet girls:




To be continued....

Peas and Carrots

So before I get into my stuff... Here's some pictures of my little peas and carrots!




Can't remember what Kristin was eating... but she wanted everyone to see I guess.




Serious Kristin




Up close and personal Lara



So what's going on here... well, alot. These past few weeks have just been hell for me. I have just been busy, still hate going to work, and I had 2 friends lose a baby. My friend/ sitter Andrea went in for her OB appt at 10 wks and had a sac but no baby. Heartbreaking. That just sucks. Then another fellow IFer, Hokie alumni, blogger, Lindsay had a devastating accident and lost one of her twins, Lucas. It has really bothered me and I have never even met her... I found out about both of these losses on the 3rd anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. It certainly made this year's harder for me. Please keep them both in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks.

Well, as I promised Amy this is the current discussion going on in my home.

Baby #3.... to TTC or Not to TTC... that is the question....

Here's where we stand:

Bobby is a firm NO! Courtney is a "well, *ahem cough* maybe"...

How did I get here? I don't even know. If you had asked me a year ago, you would have gotten a VERY firm NO.. bordering on a possible Hell No, and if it was a bad day, a Hell Effing No! So I still don't know how we got to this conversation, but something has happened. No, I have NOT forgotten the Carpal Tunnel while pregnant or the Acid reflux or the Carpal Tunnel or the nausea or gaining a ton of weight or the Carpal Tunnel or the peeing or Carpal Tunnel or the vomiting and did I mention the Carpal Tunnel? Yes I remember all of that... even the carpal tunnel, which is enough to make me think that I am crazy and should check myself in to the closest hospital for a mental evaluation. But somehow it seems worth it.. yes I think it is possible I am crazy.

I also have not forgotten the colic baby or the newborn twin hell or the hours of crying (Kristin and me) or my Postpartum Depression (which I am now realizing I should have admitted a year ago that I had and another post sometime later) or my thoughts that I was losing my mind and how did this happen to me and the crying of my colic baby and me hearing voices/babies crying constantly, and the sleep deprivation... Nope, I have not forgotten any of it, but somehow now... it just doesn't seem as bad. I mean, now I know that I will survive and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Oh I remember being in the throes of having a colic baby, twin newborns, no husband support hell and SLEEP DEPRIVATION for basically a year... I remember WELL! But yet, I am willing to do it again. I guess this is why the human race did not end thousands of years ago, cause somehow, we as women forget the horrid details of pregnancy and childbirth and are willing to do it again.

And yes, I remember giving birth and (this is hard to admit) pooping in front of at least 30 people (ok, maybe realistically it was only 8, but when you are up in the stirrups pushing and you are pooping in someones face,I don't care if most- if not all women do it, I shit in some man's face, it is somehow the most disgusting thing ever and I will never forget that) while pushing and then feeling my hoo-ha after having them when I was in the shower and cleaning myself and thinking "Ummm... I don't think this is the way it was before". Nope, it wasn't. But somehow, that doesn't matter either. Cause it is worth it in the end.

Looking at my flabby, saggy, stretched marked to hell, wrinkly, loose skin, ripped abdominal muscles belly.... somehow it was worth it.

Bobby and I have discussed this at length... along with the money thing. Of course another baby means money and being in the careers we are in, neither of us will be millionaires or make huge money, so that means, well you know what it means. Bobby has been very adamant that he does not want another baby and that he doesn't want to even "try" for a boy, but will do it if it "makes me happy". I was a little shocked, he is such a guy's guy. I would have thought he'd want a little boy to do "guy stuff" with. He said 'everything I do is to make you happy, so if you want another baby, I will try'. He also thinks it is because my friends are having babies like Kate and some others.

He also said he would rather try now and not wait. I want to wait, besides I waited an extra year for him to even try the first time so I think waiting another 8 months is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. I have a "plan" for when I want to ttc again. Yeah yeah, I know we are "infertile" so I know I should take that into consideration, but whatever, I have a plan anyway. Wanna hear it:

I want to wait til school lets out, try for about 6 months, NO treatments (which means only 1 baby, right?), just Metformin and Progesterone (I need both I think) and if nothing, then it just wasn't meant to be. Sell the baby stuff and all the maternity stuff and know that we tried and it just wasn't in the cards for us. Done deal.

Just hoping that I can stick to my plan. However, I still have to get Bobby on board, he's the carrots to my peas. Plus, I still waiver some, sometimes I think I am crazy (ok I know I am crazy) and I will be severely outnumbered when Bobby is gone to work. Plus things are made for families of 4, like Disney vacations. Maybe I should just be happy with my 2 girls and call it done. But......

My Pumpkins

We went to a Fall Festival and our little pumpkins picked out the pumpkins for our house:







Kristin was more interested in the straw than the pumpkins




Lara enjoyed playing on, with, around, whatever with the pumpkins

I got my wish....

2 years ago, I blew out my birthday candles and I wished for a healthy baby. I guess I must have wished and prayed for it alot cause I got 2 beautiful babies instead...




Yesterday, I went to blow out my candles and realized I had received my wish. So I wished for... can't tell or it won't come true.





Go Hokies Go! Kristin even claps as I cheer... I will get a cheerleader in this pair if it is the last thing I do!



Lara loves to ride the push car and push herself backwards right into the entertainment center!



If you didn't get my Mommy a birthday present, I will attack you with my spaghetti covered hands!

**I guess I should have wrote this last year. But last year I was in the throes of Colic hell and newborn twins with no real hubby support since he was busy building the girls their playroom which is still being built. Exhibit A- first picture of the girls, you can see Bobby standing on the ladder STILL building the playroom!! Today getting shingles on the roof, so we are moving in the right direction! After a major leak occurred with the 20 inches of rain we got last week! AGGGGGHHHH more money... more time. Whatevahs!

I could have a passel!

Last week in the bath tub Lara just reached over and kissed Kristin:




Last night Kristin hugged and kissed Lara:



OMG they melt my heart. It brought tears to my eyes, as they were holding hands and talking and laughing with each other, I felt a little left out. I figure that will be what happens when they are 13 and I am no longer cool.

I keep getting things from WTE that says that your baby enjoys side by side play but really isn't interacting with other babies. They don't send much (or anything) in the way of having twins, but I am guessing that multiples makes the side by side play null and void. Mine play together. They want to be near each other. The exchange food, sippies, etc... they also fight over toys, food, sippies, toothbrushes etc. They must love each other, right? As you can see they do alot together like climbing onto the couch to look out the window:




Or have Lara pass Kristin the toys as Kristin sits/stands on the coffee table:



Watching them grow makes my heart ache. They are so cute with each other. Makes the baby bug bite....kinda.

**I get lucky with pics since I carry the camera or my phone wiht me and luckily, they kissed on each other a few times, so I got the pic and a video, but in the video they show more of them "bare"... and I don't want some nasty child mole.ster to be looking at my kids, so no video, sorry.

Sneak Peak

at their Halloween costumes:



My little Strawberry Fairies! OMG I could eat them up!

I knew I would love them... just never knew that I would love them this much!

Lara has started taking 5-7 steps at a time. But when she falls, that's it, she is done and then she crawls!

Both girls crack me up with "where's your belly?" and them patting their bellies and laughing as they do it. Working on getting them to pat their heads consistently. They both blow me kisses! I love it!

PS. Can they stay just like this forever? PLEASE! Purtty Please? With a strawberry on top???

My new life...

So a year after my children were born my life has changed dramatically. I know you must be thinking... yeah having a kid(s) does that. But I mean things have severely changed for me. Here's how things have changed in no particular order:

1. Sleeping in on the weekends means maybe to 7:30 (sometimes later if it is a good morning)

2. Eating in 5 minutes (no wonder I am still fat)

3. Not going out on Friday or Saturday nights (and I don't even care, I'd rather be at home anyway)

4. Wanting to make my girls "stop" right at the age they are (I have done this a few times in their mere 1 year of life thus far)

5. I don't even know if I brush my hair somedays...and once again I don't care if I did or didn't

6. I'd rather buy something for them than me.

7. Sometimes I go in their room at night and look at them while they sleep and wonder how I made something that is THAT cute and if it is possible to love them any more than I do.

8. I find myself wondering how I thought I was "tired" before!

9. I say "No", "Sit down please, we don't stand in the tub" and "we don't throw our food on the floor" at least 200 times a day. Along with other phrases like 'Say thank you mommy'

10. An "adventure" is going to Target close to nap time!

11. Going out by myself to Target (after I put the girls to bed and Bobby is home) is "alone time"

12. That I am pissed M-F when I leave my house to go to work with someone else watching my kids (that includes Bobby watching them, I don't like it)

And I know that isn't all, but this is the shocking one for me:

I WANT to be a SAHM, well part time. I only want to work like 10 hours a week but get a full paycheck like I do now.

I know everyone's life changes "after baby". But I never in a million years thought I'd ever want to be a SAHM. But I do. I like being at home with them. I want to keep doing all those fun things I did all summer long with them. I want to keep going on "play dates" and watching them discover the world.

I DON'T want to go back to work at school. I want to be at home.

Anyone know of a job where I work minimal hours but get a full-time paycheck and all?


Interesting things around here:

Lara yells 'Krit-tin" (OMG I could eat them up)
They both climb onto the couch and anything they can (the hearth as well where it is fun to sit and push all the toys and books off, See pictures below)
They "talk" all the time and then laugh (probably at me)
They hold hands and share food from their highchairs (Once again, freaking adorable)

Here's some pictures cause I think they are the cutest bay-bays evah!


Kristin in her "If you think I am cute you should see my twin sister" outfit



The world looks better upside down!



Lara is going to be the next Dolce and Gabbana... she loves clothes



Lara's twin sister "rocks"

** Note: 3 of the 4 pictures are on the "baby proofed hearth" where they play etc. as if they don't have an overabudance of toys!