Who cried when we saw Santa??

Well they girls didn't! But Bobby did!! And yes, I laughed at him! He said "It was there first time on Santa's lap, we will never have the first time again!"

Aren't they the cutest little things ever??? Damn, I made cute kids!! If I do say so myself!

We also had our 4 month check up and shots at the pediatricians. So it went something like this:

Kristin- 12 lb 1 oz- 23.25 in- 10th percentile for both height and weight
Lara- ll lbs- 22.5 in- 5th for height and 3rd for weight

Ok so I have little wee ones!

We discussed cereal, sleeping through the night (cause we still aren't), Kristin's constipation and reflux, breastfeeding, and Spitting up and IF this Colic is EVER going to end!

So since rice cereal can cause constipation, we are starting with Oatmeal cereal instead. We will try that on Saturday- should be interesting.

Giving Kristin yet again another medicine to try and make her poop. Come on child and poop on a regular basis. I know it has to hurt and it makes her cranky. Dr B said we should be on the home stretch of Colic and it should be ending soon. God I hope so!! She screamed last night for an hour and 40 mins and then all of a sudden she stopped slept for 10 mins and was an angel after that! Like having Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

They got some shots and we were off!

Visiting Santa was quite the adventure. I waited to dress them until we only had 3 people in front of us in line- because lo and behold as soon as we picked them up off of Santa's lap- I was once again covered in puke. Ughh!! How many times in a 24 hour time period can 1 person be spit up on?? I will keep track and let you know.

As for me and Bobby. We are in a "compromise" right now. He wants me to be more specific and tell him exactly what I want him to do. So I am going to work on not being pissed that I have to tell him exactly what to do and just tell him cause I assume that he knows that if the girls need to be changed- that he should change them and then he can go play on the computer. But we are working on that.

My New Year's resolution is to get over my anger and just tell him what to do without resentment. We'll see how that goes too.......

Invasion of Privacy

This is a rant about my husband!!!!

So yesterday, my hubby had to have some warranty things done on his car, so he came to school and got my car and went about his day- which did NOT consist of watching the girls cause he had "stuff to do".

My friend Kate and I, well we IM each other throughout the day. It is nice, I get to vent some and she does too. We don't do it all day, but we write down what's going on and support each other during the day. Sometimes it takes us awhile to write back, all depends on what is going on. So anyway...

We were discussing that my hubby would like to have another baby (yes you heard me correctly). My response was something of- "of course he would because he doesn't do shit to help me."

So when he came to pick me up I was in a meeting, I came back and he was at my desk on my computer and I saw that the IM was scrolled back to the top. I didn't say anything, but the rest of the night all I heard was "Well, since I don't do shit" or something to that effect. I told him I thought we were over that, but apparently it isn't. I mean I know it isn't because I am not over it, but I can't say anything to "make" him help me. So I just don't say anything else, why bother? There's no point.

He "thinks" he is helping me and I feel he isn't so why? It only makes us both upset and angry, and since I can't stand arguing what's the point in continuing? So I tell my friends and my blog and all how he doesn't help. I am not keeping it all inside and now I have come to learn that a lot of men just don't help. They "think" or "feel" that they are, but their spouse feels they aren't.

The biggest thing of all this is that he read MY stuff! I have NEVER gone through his stuff. Frankly, I don't give a shit about his emails or text messages or cell phone calls, and now I just don't have the energy to be "sneaky", I am just TOO TIRED. If he wanted to cheat or had someone on the side... I will kindly help him pack his shit and leave. In Beyonce's terms "To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left." Followed by, "You don't know about me, I can have another you in a minute" Except I don't want another him... I'd find one that helps me!! HA take that Bobby! I mean why the fuck does he feel that insecure about our marriage that he would read my stuff??? I asked him that but I didn't really give him a chance to answer. Because I was too busy getting the girls ready for bed- by myself as usual. Then Kristin had a melt down and I held her as he rolled over and went to sleep and kindly snored for Kristin and me! Thanks asshole!

I should precipitate this by this is what happened on Thanksgiving. My whole family got together at my sister's and I had fed the girls (notice once I again I said "I") and pumped and was all nice a full so I laid down on the floor (as not to bother or take up any room on the couch to keep anyone from not having a seat to watch the game) My bil and sister were holding the girls, BIL says to Bobby let's go watch the game on my new plasma. Bobby turns to me and holds out Kristin and says "Here, you aren't doing anything." Are you fucking kidding me??? I never get 5 minutes to myself, I mean I have held a baby while trying to pee! BIL says basically, "Courtney, never gets to do nothing- we got this, we can take the girls up to the room, they don't need anything and even if they do it's 2 vs 2!" Really Bobby?? Everyone else sees that I don't get a break, why can't my husband? Why am I STILL having this conversation?

The only time I am away from the girls I am at work! Then people STILL want something from me! Someone is wanting something from me ALWAYS- whether it is the girls, the kids at school, or my husband!! Someone ALWAYS wants something!! I want time where NOONE wants something!! PLEASE!!!

Seriously, I worry about my marriage. No one prepared me for the fact that having these twins would drive such a rift between us. I mean I knew it would change my marriage but not to this extreme.

I try saying this to him but all it does is turn into a fight and I am tired of the fighting. I am not a fighter!

I feel like giving up!

And now all I have is my blog to be honest- cause he doesn't know I have one!

Thankful for...

I am truly thankful for....

Kristin





Lara




Last year on Thanksgiving day, I gave myself injections of Follistim. We had to leave from Bobby's parents house early (like 5 am) on Friday to go have a dr appt with the u/s machine and blood work. I saw 6 follies that day only to have them reduce down each time I went AND then on IUI day... there were 2!! I felt so alone and I was scared that we would never have kids. I was talking about IVF and having to wait cause we would need a second mortgage or an equity line of credit on our house. Plus I knew that we would have to wait cause I wouldn't be able to take off everyday from school for the blood work and u/s.

Now a year later- I can't believe it.

I am thankful for my girls and thankful that they are healthy! I am thankful I am their mom! I am thankful because they are the cutest things I ever made! I am thankful that they are growing and smile and coo and all the wonderful stuff they do... because they are mine! I have SO much to be thankful for!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

PS- I am also Thankful for Thanksgiving- my favorite holiday!! NO presents- just FOOD AND FAMILY!!!

Honestly.....

Well before I get to my "real" post- here's some pics of the girls on their 1st Halloween.




"The Fam" (all I see is the inter tube of fat around my waist aka muffin top)



Girls with the pumpkins




Scary Ghost Lara and Spooky Spider Kristin

So this has been a long time coming.

I haven't been as good at posting since the girls were born because of alot of things. But mainly because I feel like I would be lying. Lying to you because of all the emotions I have had since I gave birth.

Honestly, since I have had the girls, I no longer feel like myself. I have lost a part of myself because of all the stuff going on. First, giving birth and the aftermath of having twins is the hardest thing I have ever done. After I delivered the girls vaginally, I had "things" to deal with. Mostly dealing with what goes on in the delivery room, the stuff we all knows happens but it is hard to take when it is you. It took me a few weeks to get over that.

Secondly, I underestimated how hard parenthood is. I didn't realize the sacrifices and how EXHAUSTING it is. At first, the lack of sleep and the weeks of having a few hours makes "Courtney think she is going crazy". I hear the girls crying even when they aren't crying, makes you wonder if I am going crazy, huh? Maybe a little postpartum depression??? I think so.... or not, maybe it is the lack of husband support.

Third, my husband and I are having ALOT of issues. I don't think we are on the same page. I feel like he doesn't so shit to help me. He has worked more overtime since the girls have been born than he has ever in his life. When my hubby works overtime he is gone for 72 hours straight, his normal shifts are 24 hours long, so overtime makes him be gone 3 days in a row. That's 3 days and 3 nights!!! Try doing that with twins alone! I did and it made me be a really ugly person. Then when he did come home, he did everything but be inside helping me. He has started to mow the neighbor's lawn too. He tore down our sun room to build the girls a playroom... cause really they need a playroom now, right? Seriously?? He never once came home after being gone for 24 hours, let alone 72 hours, and said "Honey, I realize you have been alone with them for "blank number of" hours. I got this. Take a shower or a nap, I see you are in the same clothes that you were in when I left "blank number of" days ago, here let me help you". After a huge screaming match- we came to a decision- he thinks I am ungrateful and crazy and I think he doesn't do shit to help me and that we will never have sex until he does. How's that?

Not to mentions that Kristin has Colic. She was having 4 crying/screaming episodes a day, lasting anywhere from 30 mins to 4 hours. GOOD TIMES!!!Wear that hat for days in a row. It was enough to make the Pope lose his shit and curse.

Put all that together and lack of sleep and feeling like I was "alone" and it makes for a pretty miserable person. In the middle of all that, Bobby wanted to take Reese to the vet and discuss "quality of life". I went and basically said that I wasn't putting the dog down anytime soon. Some days he is the only thing in the house that kept me from losing my shit.

It is getting better around the house- except Bobby still thinks he does more than the average man in helping with the babies- but I think it has more to do with the fact that I went back to work and I feel "normal". I may not be sleeping all the way through the night yet, but I like being out in "the real world". I am NOT Stay at Home Mom material, I am proud to admit that I am woman enough to admit that that is not a good thing for me. I look forward to picking the girls up from the sitter (who I was friends with in high school and her mom was my cheerleading coach in Rec league), so I don't feel guilty leaving them either. Being back at work makes me appreciate the time I do spend with them. I can handle Kristin's colic episodes better and that makes me feel like a better mom. Cause I wasn't feeling like I was a good one for the whole time they had been on this Earth.

So anyway, that's how I felt and I am sorry. But I felt like you needed an explanation on why I couldn't write about how wonderful everything was, cause for me it wasn't. I wanted to have a baby and I wanted to be pregnant and both were not what I thought it would be like... made me feel guilty and shitty about myself. I started thinking- maybe that was why I was "infertile" in the first place, maybe God knew I'd be a shitty ass mom and I fucked with it by going and getting pregnant.

Whatever it may be, I am glad to have my girls and everyday they amaze me. They are certainly the cutest things I ever made!

The cutest set of girlie girl twins!!

Well at least I think the are the cutest set of girlie girl twins!!

So here they are on Sunday in their "matchy match" outfits. That is as "matchy" as I get. I love Car.ter's and their 2 onesies on a hanger- makes me be able to coordinate without making them "match". They are fraternal twins and even if they were identical I would still want them to be individuals. My mom thinks it is cute and says all the twins she knows liked dressing alike- so I guess they will continue to get matching outfits- I just don't have to dress them in them at the same time!!



Even though they both had a "little" cold, they were pretty smiley for us to take their pics. We went to Sea.rs to get their pics done and they told us 5 mins, we waited 45 and they lost their shit so we left. Went home and put a white sheet on the recliner and voila! And probably saves us $200 too! Bonus!





And last but not least: Here's Reese with his babies! Kristin was starting to have a meltdown, she could only take so many pics and we took alot to get a few that were good.



We are going to visit Pop and Little Grandma this weekend for Great Grandma's 80th birthday. The girls will wear their Halloween costumes!! Oh they are so cute!!

I am back to work and managing that well. I like being back to work- makes me appreciate the time I do have with them. Plus, I can handle Kristin's 8pm Colic fit better. I have more patience and since I missed the rest of them through the day, I am not as frustrated. Plus, FINALLY they are sleeping 5+ hours!! I think that helps me mentally too! I know I am not SAHM material, I just can't do it. Although I like being a teacher and having off holidays and the summer- I do like the structure working provides- geesh I am a kid really!

More pics to come after the Halloween bash! I guess I am getting pretty boring- I don't have anything exciting happening anymore. Hopefully the girls will start to be more entertaining soon, like breaking out some new tricks.

2 months old

I don't have time to "really" update- but here are a few pics from yesterday and today.

The girls are 2 months old- WOW!! Went to pediatrician on Monday and the girls got their first shots! Well the first ones I saw- they got some in the hospital. They got clean bills of health and he told me how beautiful they are and once again how beautifully their heads are shaped. I guess that is a good thing- no cone heads here!

Kristin weighs 10lbs and 4 oz and is 22 inches long. He upped her reflux meds and said she probably did have some colic. My poor bay-be!

Lara weighs 8lbs and 14 oz and is 21 inches. He said she was growing well and is "catching" her sister!

I go back to work on Monday! BLAH!! Do I have to?




Holding Hands



Kristin (left) and Lara (right)



Kristin




Lara

Growing so fast!

My girls are 7 weeks old already- in some ways it seems like forever through the dense fog of sleep deprivation and in other ways I can't believe it! So here they are:




Lara is on the left and Kristin is on the right.





This is Kristin. She is my eldest and is already showing her personality. She is demanding and likes to be the center of attention. Totally her father!! She also LOVES to cuddle with you, she makes her daddy cry when she smiles. She even smiled at him first- made me mad as I am the one that carried her for 37 weeks! Ughh! Can't she smile at ME first! Kristin was diagnosed with Acid reflux. She also seems to have a touch of Colic. She cries alot and makes me feel like an inadequate mother as I can't soothe her. It is frustrating and makes for alot of stress. I feel for her on the reflux cause it sucked ass while I was pregnant and I could bitch about it. She can't, well... I guess she does with her crying. I wish I could help her. Really makes me upset.





This is my youngest, Lara. She is totally the "baby" in the family. She loves to be held and cuddled too. She smiles and loves to look around. She is an easy going child and I fear for my sanity when she is a teenager. I think she will be my hand full then!

On a good note- they went 5 hours between a feeding the night before last- from 9:30 pm to 2:45 am. Gotta work on sleeping through that time. Lara got up but wanted to be changed. Then last night they slept for 4 hour stretches at a time again! I almost feel like a normal person!

The coolest thing happened this morning! I had the girls on their activity mat and they were looking at each other and smiling and cooing. So I got out the video camera and tried to get them to do it again. Of course they didn't BUT Kristin rolled over from her belly to her back! AND I got it on tape!!! I'll never catch stuff on video again probably- especially after I go back to work in 11 days- BLAH!