My thoughts

In the past 2 weeks, I have had some people say somethings to me- alluding to the fact that I am not 100% happy about being pregnant and that I am taking this pregnancy for granted or bitching about my body or things I can no longer do. Plus, some others no longer want to be "friends" because I am pregnant and they are not YET. So I feel weird even having to write this post but I feel that I need to get some feelings off of my chest- whether or not these people ever know that they have "hurt" my feelings, plus I am not carrying around anymore stress or taking it with me into a new year.

In the beginning (April 2007), I came off the pill thinking I would be pregnant in no time. It did take a few months but I did get pregnant. I even got to see my "blob" but no heart beat cause my dr said it "was possibly too early but I am concerned as the baby is a little small for where you should be". I should have known then but I continued on in my ignorant bliss buying gifts for my baby and maternity clothes. Happily gaining weight and rubbing my belly only to go in 4 weeks later to have no heartbeat, and Bobby and I got to "decide" how to end the pregnancy (D&C, do it at home with some med, or do it naturally). I did get pregnant again pretty quickly, only not have the beta number go up and I sat around for 2+ weeks waiting for my body to simultaneously miscarry. So I got to experience another D&C. I got to add some more scar tissue to my cervix and possibly making it "harder" for me to get pregnant, just what I needed. Plus, I got to grieve for 2 babies that I will never get to hold, kiss, see grow up, get married, etc. Through this my Ob thought that we had "bad luck" and sent me home with some progesterone suppositories cause "it couldn't hurt" since all my blood work came back normal. So when he saw the cysts and diagnosed me with PCOS he was probably more shocked than I was.

Anyway, I digressed. I am so excited to be pregnant after waiting and trying so hard. I was very aggressive with my treatments- ready to move on, if that's what it meant to get me to the means faster, even after only a few attempts with each different med or even having surgery. However, right now- I am also scared shitless that I could miscarry again. I have become the inspector of the toilet paper- constantly looking to make sure I am not bleeding. Every time I feel something I run to the bathroom to make sure it wasn't blood. Every cramp I feel, stops me in my tracks. I can't sleep at night from the anxiety (probably mixed with the hormones and having to pee). I am SO afraid that when we go in on January 9th for our u/s that Bobby and I will be faced yet again with a baby(ies) with no heartbeat. I don't want people to feel bad for me, just understand that until I am holding my baby in my arms- I will live with some type of fear of it being ripped away from me. Cause in my 20 months of TTC, I got to read all about m/cs and late m/cs and early labor and babies dying in utero. Then I have to worry about birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities. Thanks Google. I would rather just be ignorant and go through this like nothing could go wrong. Instead I get to analyze every twinge, cramp, CM, nausea episode or lack there of. I wanted to be pregnant and I am NOT taking this for granted as I know what a miracle it is to ever get to be pregnant. I have been a big cheerleader for so many that I know "in real life" and for those of you who are my on-line buds. And I will continue to do so until ALL the people I care about are holding their precious babies in their arms.

On that note- I wish everyone ALL the happiness that I can muster for a wonderful and "fruitful" 2009! Happy New Year!! 2009 is going to be awesome!

After the Holidays Blues

After the Holidays, I am always a little blue. I don't know why, but I am. The presents are all unwrapped and the champagne has been drunk. Which maybe that is why I am sad- no Mimosas for me. I did have some virgin Mimosas with my in-laws- just not quite the same. But it was at least nice to drink out of the bar glasses. I also toasted the holiday with my wine glass full of milk! Woo Hoo! I also spend most of the holiday in the bathroom- either peeing or dry heaving. I am NOT complaining, but I think I missed some valuable time with the family. Oh well, my mom and his parents are so excited. My mom will be a grandmother again, but this will be Bobby's parents first grandchild so they are beside themselves.


So after feeling a little sad- I decided to have my hubby take my first belly pics. Boy, am I sorry I had him do that. I even did it in the morning after getting up and before I put anything in there so I would be at maximum thinness. Then I looked at them- WTF? I thought I had lost 53 lbs! OMG- ughh! It's enough to make me want to go eat all the candy that was in my stocking. I don't know what I was thinking and it isn't like I can go on a diet. If you already feel like shit- why torture yourself some more? I am a glutton for punishment I guess or as my pic shows maybe just a glutton. So here it is- my first belly shot in all it's glory:



I hope I didn't make you throw up in your mouth! Sorry if I did. Happy New Year! 2009 is going to be a good year!

Holy Moly!!

So after a weekend of feeling that I would not carry this pregnancy to term and that I was going to have one of the shittiest Christmases of all time. At least I could spend the next few days in a drunken haze at my in laws and there would be no judgement anyway. I went for blood work at the Jones Inst this morning- I have never been so nervous for blood work or going there for an appointment ever. I have a friend who was nice enough to go with me (here's my shout out to you-sista) and she really helped keep my mind off things .

On my way home the nurse called me. I could hear it in her voice. "Courtney, I got your blood work back and I checked 4 times before I showed it to Dr Never Smiles and called you- it is 7,655!". I almost wrecked I had to pull over- I asked at least 5 times was she sure it was mine and was assured it was! She said she had been very worried about me all weekend cause sounded like I had given up.

My u/s is January 9th. Oh- btw- I WON'T be having any spirits at my in laws for Christmas but that's A-ok with me!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2nd Beat draw

I really can't muster the energy or the thought into this so it will be short. The number went from 285 to 498 in 4 days. It didn't double like it should so now we wait- wait until Monday for another draw. Dr Never Smiles told me we have a 50/50 shot, she has seen everything and yes it is possible we will know more Monday. I am heartbroken and saddened. I don't even know what to say... I am trying to have faith but it is really hard right now. I need some prayers for a healthy pregnancy.

1st Beta draw

That's right- 285 at 13 dpo! Progesterone was 45. Nurse said they were "excellent"! WOO HOO!

I did freak out yesterday and today cause I started spotting last night and then some this morning. I called and spoke to a nurse (not nurse Beth who is on vacation for 2 weeks, wth?? she is missing my BFP) Anyway, she said spotting was normal and given my history of miscarriage they put me on "pelvic rest" and light exercise. I decided to fore go exercise right now. Which is hard for me but a baby is WAY more important than a few days of exercise.

So aside from freaking the hell out- I am moving right along. Next Beta draw Friday.

Any bets on what it might be?

(By the way- the sign is for you my GA gals)

When I least expected it!!!!

I am pregnant! I can't believe it. Can you?

I had finally decided that we would do another round of the Follistim and then go back on bc pills for awhile and do IVF with ICSI this summer. I was a peace with that and was kinda going to go through the motions.

I also thought I was ABSOLUTELY not pregnant- no "signs" whatsoever really. So low and behold- It was "when I least expected it!!"

Believe It or Not!

So a couple of wonderful people, including my mother, sent me an article from our local paper encouraging me to go touch:

Well..... need I say more.

SO... we took a break while Christmas shopping to touch these statues in the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum in the neighboring city. Yep, that is me touching the king's penis and Bobby grabbing the queen's boob (in the hopes to make me jealous that he grabbed some else's boobs)! If his grabbing some statue's boobs would get me pregnant than I am ALL for it! We then switched and I touched the queen and baby and he touched the king (but not on the penis). We then rubbed them both simultaneously and hopefully it helps us succeed in getting pregnant. We bought the pamphlet about the statues and read them at the restaurant with my mom and sister. I figured we could save that for our babies to see how much we really wanted them.

I have officially now tried EVERYTHING to get pregnant- from old wives tales to fertility specialists to shooting myself up with injectable meds to touching African fertility statues! I BELIEVE something has to work!!

I guess we shall see if it worked... I believe it can! Only 9 more days to see if it helped this month. If I get a BFP- was it the drugs, the Jones Institute and Dr Never Smiles or the Legendary Fertility Statues or a combo of it all?? Hmmm.....

What do you think?

Just for Fun...

"You have to talk to your pee pee. Pee pee I know you are in there and I want you to come out."

If you guess the movie you win- what I don't know but something- like maybe a certificate that says you watch a lot of movies or a ... I don't know I am out of ideas.

I tried to find clip but I couldn't find one. Can you guess?

OK- times up.... It is from Look who's talking 2 when Mikey is talking to the other little boy about going to the potty.

I decided to talk to my pee pee. I have discovered the culprit in me not getting a BFP- it is MY PEE PEE! Yep that is right, my pee pee is keeping me from getting a BFP. Since I keep peeing on HPTs for months and BFNs. So it MUST be the pee pee, it is not the fact that every month there is ONLY a 20% chance of getting pregnant since I am taking an ass load of medicine and my stomach looks like it belongs on a heroin addict or because I pay $250 a cycle to have an IUI or have doctors who SPECIALIZE in reproduction INSTRUCTING me on when to have timed intercourse . So I decided it HAS to be "my pee pee".

I decided after a GOOD talking to my pee pee, I checked my pee pee out to see if it would betray me again. So I peed on a HPT for fun... why you say? Why not? I had just taken my HCG trigger so I KNEW it would have to be a BFP! So I did.. I peed on it and I hopped in the shower. And when I got out- lo and behold... it was a positive pregnancy test. Now I KNOW I am NOT pregnant, but I wanted to see if my pee pee could make a + hpt. I am NOT completely out of touch with reality- I know that I am not pregnant. But it has been a long time since I had seen 2 lines so I figured- what the hell... I have that bag of hpts I bought off Ebay ( good deal I got 20 FR hpts for $4.98 INCLUDING S&H -Hot damn!) So what is that - $0.20 or so worth of fun! It was pretty cool cause it worked- MY pee pee CAN make a hpt positive!

I did show it to Bobby and he looked at me like I was crazy.

I did my IUI today- pretty uneventful normal IUI thing, except I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to go since his appointment was at 7:30 am and mine at 9 and the RE is an hour away! But we made it and I am inseminated! So test date is 12-16-08... stay tuned. On to the torture of the progesterone! Woo Hoo!

Anyway, I thought I would share that IF you talk to your pee pee it can become a BFP!! Just try! It was the only thing I haven't tried in this whole TTC process. So now my pee pee HAS to give me a BFP on the 16th!

What happened?

Bobby and I went to the Jones Institute yesterday for a Follie scan and blood work.

When we went on Weds there were 3 eggs. Yesterday, there were 2 good ones. WTF? What happened? Where did the other one go? Makes me a little nervous.... they had extended my Follistim on Wednesday when I called to get my dosage and changed my appointment time from Friday to Saturday. Then yesterday to have "lost" an egg... how does that happen? And they weren't much bigger. Each ovary has one follicle- which is different for me cause usually my left ovary doesn't do anything. But I have a 17mm on my right and 15 mm on my left.

I know it only takes one, but still. This cycle is making me nervous.

Trigger shot tonight... IUI on Tuesday. I need something cause I am not feeling very confident this month.

I have had some moments cause last Thanksgiving I got a BFP- this year STILL ttc a baby. UGHH! I got pregnant two times on my own and now since the miscarriages and starting fertility treatments- NOTHING! I don't get how this is so hard for some and really easy for others. Enough of my ranting....

I hope this cycle that seems to be falling apart will work.

1, 2, 3....

I went this morning and had my Follie scan and blood work. I have 3 nice eggs growing in there. Two of them were 11mm and one 12.5 mm. I come back early from our trip to my in laws for a Follie scan and b/w on Friday. We will see what's going on then- IUI Monday?! I am off to NC!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am so excited! No South Beach for me that day!

Wee....

Well here we go again....

Bobby and I went to the Jones Institute on Friday for CD 3 (even though it was CD 2) u/s and blood work. Round 2 of Follistim began last night- this cycle on the study I am strictly doing Follistim injections... no Ganirelix!

Bobby had a dentist appointment earlier that morning and had gotten some bad news from the dentist. He is slowly losing the bone mass in his jaw... so slowly but surely he will lose his molars. Nice. That's just great. He needs to go see a periodontist. So he was all gloom and doom.



So he thinks all doctors are full of bad news and if they aren't giving you bad news, they are pumping you full of hope and get you full of excitement and belief it can happen until you take a pregnancy test and it is a BFN. He even called this an "emotional roller coaster". Nice. Dear that is how I have felt for the last 19 months. Crazy. 19 months- WOW!



My visit with the u/s showed 6 follicles developing- crazy considering I wasn't taking any meds at that moment. They were all small- a 6mm follicle and the rest were 5. But there were 2 on my left ovary- which is odd as that ovary doesn't ever do shit. It just sits there- what it's exact function is I haven't found out yet. Cause neither ovary has made a viable egg yet that wanted to implant and make us become a family.

So yet again... maybe this month! Fingers crossed.. prayers going up.... shots going in...and I am going to "relax" cause now that I "least expect it"- I am thinking this could be it.

I do have to say I love my hubby! He sent my mom and me off to Blacksburg to watch my Hokies play football against Duke. It was cold- 29 degrees at kickoff. Woo Hoo! All I can say is Thank God they won! At least it made it worth sitting out there!

The results are....

Different month... same freaking results! Don't know why I would have thought it would be different! Actually, I already knew the result was going to be as such... but I still held out hope it would throw me for a loop.

I don't really know what is next since I have never been on these meds before. I don't know if I have to take a break to rest the ole poly cystic ovaries or if we get to go ahead and inject myself with some more high powered hormones. I don't know- I guess I will call Nurse Beth tomorrow.

BTW- I didn't even shed a tear. Guess I am becoming immune!

I did it!!!

I lost 50 lbs!!! I did it!! I met my goal before I got pregnant!




I hopped on the scale this morning and that little device that has been my nemesis for years showed me one pound less making it a total of 50 lbs!! I have a friend that sent me an email with pics of ground beef when I lost 18 lbs and told me to think about my weight loss in terms of that. So then I thought of picking up 50lbs of ground beef at the store and wow- what a porker!! It would almost fill up your cart- I was carrying around enough extra weight to be equivalent to a kindergartner. Holy Shit what a porker!

Here's a pic of me at Thanksgiving with my niece/god daughter (Isn't she a cutey?) I on the other hand, look like a fat cow! When I saw this pic after Thanksgiving- I hardly recognized myself.

This is me last week with my cute little doggy by my side!

I am so excited I just had to share! So my body HAS to be ready for a baby or babies now! My doctor said Lose weight to increase your chances of getting pregnant- Done! I do feel a TON better and I think I am physically in the best shape of my adult life.

I know some of you thought' "She got her BFP" or "She's got her quads"! Nope- I am NOT testing early! That will wait until Sunday. It has been a GOOD week so far *fingers crossed*!

Tag- you're it!

Just a little trivia since I am in the 2ww and I have nothing going on... "How I met the Love of My Life" to follow

Fun stuff!

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? highlighted
4. Your mother? talkative
5. Your father? deceased
6. Your favorite thing? Reese's
7. Your dream last night? forgotten
8. Your dream/goal? Family
9. The room you’re in? classroom
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? miscarriage
12. Where do you want to be in six years? mother
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? Rich
15. One of your wish list items? mother
16. Where you grew up? Virginia
17. The last thing you did? talked
18. What are you wearing? clothes
19. Your T.V.? HD
20. Your pet? Reese
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? normal
23. Missing someone? always
24. Your car? Yukon
25. Something you’re not wearing? jacket
26. Favorite store? B.Moss
27. Your Summer? awesome
28. Love someone? whole-heartedly
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? Wednesday

Are there any of my bloggie friends that haven't done this yet? I think I have seen it on most of the blogs I follow, if not- consider yourself TAGGED! You're it!!

Time moves... Oh so slowly

I have had numerous "How did it go?" and "what now?" comments on how the IUI went and the obvious- when can I test to see if I am pregnant. So here goes...

The IUI was pretty uneventful for me- took like maybe 20 seconds- the prep time is the longest part. Poor Bobby, he had the hardest part. But he managed to survive. Dr. Never Smiles did the procedure and that makes me happy as I don't think it is right to get pregnant without her. After all she is my dr and knows her shit. She asked me if I was prepared for the side effect- which is getting pregnant! Well I WANT that side effect!! She made me laugh!!

So now we wait... I was given the instructions to start my progesterone tonight and I can test on the 17th of November. Well, I will actually test on the 16th as that is a Sunday and I will need time to either be ecstatic or have my pity party. So that's it. The 2 week wait (2ww) begins. This is the most difficult part of the whole cycle... waiting. As you know I am not very patient... so this is the hardest part for me. Also the progesterone plays a game with me... gives me all kinds of pregnancy symptoms. I now know to ignore anything I "feel" during the 2ww.

I do appreciate all the prayers and support from everyone. I can use the support of my friends, especially when dealing with infertility and the crazy ups and downs that I have been going through for months. Thanks so much!

So now we wait.....

Huey, Dewey, and Louie

I went in Weds and had 3 eggs- 13,12, and 11. My friend nicknamed them Huey, Dewey, and Louie. And everything was going nicely then- nice uterine lining, etc.



Then, I went in this morning to visit with my long lost friend the u/s wand. Good news.... uterine lining looks good and is growing well. Huey is a whooping 19mm, Dewey and Louie are 17 each. WOW- they grew fast!! So one last dose of Follistim to mature those follies up and another dose of the Ganirelix. Which I do not like the Ganirelix- it burns and itches and makes my skin "bubble" at the injection site! OUCH!!



And last but not least they found that I have another follie:

Daphne. She is pulling up the rear at a good old 11 or 12- I can't remember what they said now!

Holy shit 4 eggs!! Maybe one of these wonderful eggs would like to become my baby or babies! Whichever! I will take whatever I get and be happy!!

So it appears that we will have an IUI on Monday!!! Dr Never Smiles was very positive this morning and she made me feel like THIS could be it! Ok by me!! My belly looks as if I am a junkie and that I am shooting up in my BLOATED ass belly. I am bruised and have all kinds of pin sticks! Oh can I please just get pregnant now! I have conquered my fear of needles and I have tried to learn patience! I feel like 2 lessons are good to have mastered during this process!

Well no trick or treat for me tonight- got suckered into working at the restaurant as I "don't have any kids"- Thanks for the reminder. Gave me all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

And We're Off....

I am officially in the race... I mean study.

I went yesterday to have CD 3 blood work and an ultrasound (u/s) done. It took longer than expected, but I did get a gift bag full of meds that made all the waiting worth it. I should have said "trick or treat" cause it was a baggie full of some good stuff- a Follistim pen, needles, a 600 IU cartridge of Follistim, and 3 Ganirelix shots! I'll take that bag any day instead of having to call Success Meds with my credit card in hand- I'll be your guinea pig.

I am in group 2 of the study- which means I take the Follistim prescribed ( right now it is 75 units until I go back Wed morning for an u/s and more blood work) and when my follies get to 13mm I will take the Ganirelix until the follies reach 18-20 mm and then I do the HCG trigger to stimulate ovulation. Then IUI (inter uterine insemination) and some good ole fashion timed intercourse! Yeah! What man doesn't love to hear IUI?? Cause mine was like- what's wrong with us going home? Hmmm... cause that's the study's rules.

Last night was my first Follistim injection, which is funny now but not so hilarious at the time. First off, Bobby looked like he was going to "stab" me, he was holding the pen like a dagger, which freaked me out. He "scraped" the needle across my tender skin of my belly and caused me to bled like a stuck pig. THEN after he delivered the med- he went to cap the needle and stuck himself! Dumbass. Thank God it was me and not some crackhead in the ambulance! Ughh! Of course, he tells me he has never accidentally stuck himself before, but I am just glad it was my needle and not someone with HIV or Hep C. I teased him the rest of the night asking him- who's ovaries we going to grow better eggs- his or mine!! He didn't think that was funny. Hopefully, tonight will be uneventful as I will be giving it to myself for the first time.

No side effects from the Follistim last night- which after taking Clomid and getting hot flashes almost immediately, I am happy to have slept all the way through the night!

On the diet front-I lost 2 more lbs!! That makes 48 lbs total!! SO close to my goal of 50 lbs. Will I lose 2 more lbs before I get pregnant... I don't know...only time will tell.

Right on time for a change

For the first time in the last 18 months, I cried from joy when I saw AF!! It was right on time and I makes my Friday appt for CD 3 (cycle day) an actual event that can happen! I can't believe my body actually listened for a change!! I love bc pills!! It made things very timely! I am so happy!!

For right now, I am enjoying the quiet going on in my ovaries. No O pain, no twinges, just nothing. I realize in a few days all of that is going to change and I am starting to get really nervous/anxious about starting these meds. I know that Follistim and Ganirelix is going to put alot of stress on my body, and I am not sure how the hormones will affect me. But I am still going to do it!!

I need some good meds and lots of good vibes! Hopefully **fingers crossed** this is it!

Science Experiment Part 1

I am about to become a Lab Rat. And even though I am nervous- I am excited about this prospect.

Friday was my post op appt with Dr Never Smiles. She said that during the laparascopy, they removed a fibroid on the outside of my uterus. They also removed 2 small spots of endometriosis- one of one my ovary and she didn't say where the other one was. She said they found a very small calcified endometriosis spot and they removed that and then called my uterus "beautiful" and said the hysteroscopy was "normal". About time something was! Also said that the tubes were open and my ovaries had some cysts but they were not severe (my question- why not go ahead and remove the cysts while they were already in there? I don't know I am not a medical doctor- just an idea) Anyway, so all is good and clear in there and although I have poly cystic ovaries- I do have a beautiful uterus! Ahhh.....

The best part of the whole appt was the offer of being in a study at Jones for women with PCOS and who ovulated on Clomid but did not get pregnant. Which that would be me! So in this study I will use Follistim and Ganirelix. I would be randomly put into a group within the study, so one month I do both drugs the next cycle just Follistim or vice versa. But it is all random and rotates with each cycle. I hope to only do one cycle but I am not getting my hopes up like I did when I started Clomid, now I am more realistic and cynical I guess. But that is neither here nor there. The best part of being in this study is that the pharmaceutical company pays for the drugs!! I can't believe it!! The only part we will have to pay for is IUI- if we choose that route- my thought is we might as well. So I am all excited- free meds!! It doesn't get any better than that!

So since I should have started a new cycle this weekend or Monday, Dr Never Smiles gave me 2 more days of bc pills so that I would start my new cycle on Weds so that Friday would be CD3 and just in time for me to get into the study and be all ready to go!! So here's to Friday! (insert the clinking of the wine glasses here)

I also had a great time with my in-laws and it was an awesome weekend as usual when I am with the family. I am just ready to rest since I ran all week! Whew!

Gettin' Ready for the In-laws

I have to admit I love my in-laws!! I know it is crazy- but I am truly happy that I married into this family and that we all get along so well. Which is pretty amazing. But I think it is really because we spend a lot of time with these:

Just kidding. Bobby's family and I spend a lot of time relaxing and the motto is "It is 5 o'clock somewhere". You can hear at least 10 times during a weekend get together- "I am on vacation". Those seem to be the theme to our lives, if only to excuse the fact that we have eye openers- Mimosas or Bloody Marys or Baileys in your coffee. And I don't even drink coffee, but if it has Bailey's then it makes it better, right? Before we move onto beer and then cocktail hour before dinner, wine at dinner and then after dinner drinks, while we play cards- which is a family tradition. So, since I am not pregnant then I get to enjoy one last Hoorah with my in laws!!

So in preparation for the arrival of my in-laws, I spent the weekend with my best friends- Mr Clean, Swifer, Pledge, Lysol, and Scrubbing Bubbles. I bust my ass cleaning before my in-laws come every time. I wipe off anything and everything in my house. I literally clean stuff that most people don't clean. I not only dust and do the normal stuff- I get on my hands and knees and scrub my baseboards and wash the windows. I wipe down all the cabinets with Murphy's Oil Soap. I bleach out my trashcans and recycling containers. I also wash every single glass in our bar and wipe off every liquor bottle we have. I don't know why- since some of you know that I keep my house in immaculate condition- but still I give it the white glove test before my in-laws come. I know they probably don't even notice but still, it is part of my self diagnosed OCD.

I must have done 20 loads of laundry- sheets, towels, and all the throw rugs in the house. Not to mention just the normal laundry. I feel like I worked in a hotel this weekend!! I did all this to turn around and do it again on Sunday after they leave since I can't go back to work with the house not straighten back up! I am a weirdo- maybe I need to see someone about this obsession to have everything be "fresh" before company arrives. 'Cause I do it no matter who is coming- even when it is my family!!

But the most exciting part is that this will be my family on Saturday at Busch Gardens!

I get to ride all the rides!! Since I am not pregnant and all! I can't wait cause seriously- I want this to be the last time I get to go to Busch and ride the 'big kid' rides. I want to go and play with my kid(s) in the "Land of the Dragons"! So I am going to drink my way around the park and ride all the rides that have the warning: "Women who are pregnant should not ride" I will make that sacrifice!

My post op appt is Friday at lunchtime and my in-laws arrive in the afternoon. And by my bc pill count- AF should start over the weekend so at my post op besides finding out what they did during the surgery- I am going to find out about this Follistim cycle we are getting ready to start! Yee Ha! I am so ready so that I can end my last Hoorah with a BANG- a BFP!

Take some Vicodin and call in the morning!

Oh my goodness, does my belly hurt!! I didn't think that Laparscopy was going to hurt this bad.

Anyway- the surgery went well, well at least what I hear from Bobby and my mom. I wish they wouldn't talk to others and they would talk to you! Wait until I am awake and then tell ME!! Geez! It is my ho-ha you went in there and poked and prodded with metal objects! It is the least they could do! So from what Dr Never Smiles told Bobby and Mom, she found some really small fibroids (no big deal and removed them), she also found some Endometrosis (didn't think I had that- but I have had everything else so why not?), and she didn't find any blockages and my uterus wasn't as asymmetrical as the HSG showed. They also did an HSG again- Thank God for anesthesia!! It hurt the first time so I am glad I was asleep for the round 2!

So why are we not getting pregnant? 'Tis the million dollar question now. I think Bobby is FINALLY feeling some of my frustration, every time I turn around it is something else. He showed some true emotion today about this TTC journey. He was angry that they didn't find anything during the surgery to cause the miscarriages or why we aren't getting pregnant now. He wants his questions answered now. Hmmm.... I have been wondering this for 18 months, and NOW he finally wants some answers. Sucks to not get your way. He is also pissed that my post-op appt is next week. Why are they waiting so long to see us he wants to know! I thought next week was pretty good.

So now I will wait until next week to see the images from the Laparscopy and Hysteroscopy. In the mean time I ope my belly heals quickly as I do not like just laying around. I still have 4 more lbs to lose before I get pregnant!! So I need to get up and about soon!

Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes!! Now on to getting up and about so we can get pregnant already!! Sorry I am not more lively- I am just doped up and my belly hurts!

Happy Birthday to me!!

My birthday is really tomorrow but I know there will be no blogging!! Ok- really I hate my birthday which usually really makes my family irritated with me, but let me give you some history on me. The first reason I hate my birthday is because my dad died the day after my 16th birthday. I spent my sweet sixteen in the hospice unit in the local hospital. Not that I didn't want to be there because I love my dad and we wanted to be there- Just piss poor timing if you ask me. I do have to admit the nurses had told my mom he wouldn't live through the day so she sat there all day and told him "Tom, it's Courtney's birthday". So he did live through the day and the hospices nurses went out and bought me a cake and we had my party right there in the hospital. Not ideal but I still had my family. I know my dad wouldn't want me to dislike my birthday for that and him dying so close to my birthday is not the real reason I dislike my birthday so much. My true reason for hating my birthday is that I "age" another year!! I don't like being another year older- I know it beats the alternative but still. After I turned 21- it is like they just make you "old" and there isn't any really good birthdays to look forward to again. My husband really gets mad at me around my birthday as I start whining that I am turning another year older. I just don't like being another year older- I told him that it really means I have been on Earth for almost 33 years!! Shit- I haven't even officially turned 32 yet!! Ughh!

But to give you some info since I have been a slacker this week. I went for my preop appt with Dr Never Smiles on Weds. She went over what we were going to do and asked if I had any questions. I informed her that my only request was that under NO circumstances was she allowed to do a hysterectomy on me!! I also told Bobby that as well. Dr Never Smiles informed me that she wouldn't be performing that on me so to not worry! Since I will be asleep I just wanted my case known before hand- you know like being an organ donor or something! They also drew some blood and gave me some prescriptions. I don't have any infections and hemoglobin is "normal" so surgery is still on. So Tuesday it is!!

Last but not least! The most exciting part of the weekend for me is that my wonderful and awesome husband got us tickets for the Virginia Tech football game this weekend for my birthday!! Besides a baby- he gave me the best present!! I love watching my Hokies play football and it is even better when I get to watch it there!! In the full beauty of the stadium and the smells of the stadium food and hear the crowd and ... ahhh I am in love! It is simply the best gift he could have gotten me!! He does love me!! I know he doesn't quite enjoy it as much as I do- but he knows how much I love it!! I can't wait to go and be there!! It is also Homecoming to boot!! He is really the best husband ever!! GO HOKIES!!! Happy Birthday to me!!! Let's Go Hokies!!! Win big for me- it is my birthday after all!!

Time is all I've Got

I am in such a better mood today than I have been this week. Yesterday, Debbie (the scheduling lady at Jones) called to set up my surgery date. Mind you she gave me an attitude on Wed when I told her Nov 12th wasn't going to work that was almost 2 months away! She then informed me that "well honey, no one wants to wait". No shit lady, we are all trying to have a baby- who wants to wait anymore than we already do all month long? Thanks for the update- I didn't know that no one likes to wait- I guess I still need to work on that patience thing. I'll put that on my To Do List along with Get Pregnant.

Yesterday, she called me and left a message on my cell phone and sounded annoyed that I didn't answer her call- hello I am a teacher can't answer my cell in the middle of the day! Duh. Anyway, she left me a message in a very annoyed tone that Dr Never Smiles told her to schedule my surgery for next week or the following week! Ha, I told you 2 months was too long to wait! So it is scheduled for Oct 7th at 6:30 am (they didn't ask me if that was a good time since they obviously don't know that I am NOT a morning person)! But I will be there with bells and whistles, well more like just showered and teeth brushed since it will be the butt crack of dawn! When I called her back she wasn't at here desk and instead of sounding annoyed, I left her the sweetest message ever about how I appreciated her hard work in getting me a date for surgery that was earlier, blah blah blah. When she called me back- her attitude had changed. You do get more with honey than vinegar!! I did learn something from my mom!

Surgery scheduled at 6:30 am Oct 7th!! Which is only a couple days after my dreaded bday! Oh well! Other than that- nothing new here except I am enjoying only taking a few pills this month- even if 1 is a bc pill!

Oh, I forgot to tell you- I made Dr Never Smiles laugh!! Yes laugh!! Her and her nurse laughed at my comments! Mission accomplished at Jones- well half way- they still need to get me pregnant!

One more Obstacle to Overcome

This is me- trying to climb the TTC mountain just to have a little baby to hold!! So far there have been no stairs to help me for even a minute!! Nothing has been handed to me- so I know that I will only love this child (or children) I receive all the more!! (Trying to be positive)

I went yesterday to the RE and we discussed my HSG. I see what she saw and I understand now. I thought when they showed it to me the day of the HSG that one side looked different than the other, but who am I to question? They are the professionals in this area. The HSG was performed by a fellow and she did say that the tubes were "all clear", which is correct. She did not discuss the shape of my uterus though and did say that Dr Never Smiles would take a look at it though and review it with me. I should have know then. I digressed again.... so Dr Never Smiles showed me where the top right portion of my uterus is "asymmetrical". She is very considered and wants to know what is making the protrusion, me too btw. She is wondering if that is what is causing the m/cs as well as us not implanting. She did an super long u/s and since I am having AF (Aunt Flo or menstruation) and the uterine lining is very thin, it is hard to see what is going on. She did find some Fibroids there and is kinda certain that those might be culprits. I will have the Laparoscopy and the Hysteroscopy sometime in the next few weeks.

I pulled out my tears and said the scheduling lady said Dr Never Smiles wasn't available until Nov. 12. And she was like, "I'll take care of that!" YAY for tears! I questioned the whole- what if my body decides to O (ovulate) on it's own this month? Dr Never Smiles said it would be ok, I said do we really want a chance of that if we don't know what is going on? So she said "Do you want bc pills?" I asked if it would affect the injectables timing after the surgery and she said no.I also don't want a long ass cycle which can and would happen to me with PCOS. I started BC pills last night!! I know it sounds weird but it will give me a month to get myself together and give me a break before we TTC again. Need I remind you that I hate PCOS??

So new issue- Fibroids! I would have never guessed or imagined that! I am hoping through all of this that I am getting one step closer to having a baby (or babies). I have my fingers crossed for a surgery in the next 28 days- (bc pills gotta love knowing it will be on time) and then a "clean bill of health" for my new uterus and freshly hormoned ovaries. Not terribly bad news yesterday, not good news either, but I am taking it all in stride. After the surgery then I am hoping that means a BABY!

I am offically on a TTC break- well kinda! At least a mental health break! During this time I am going to focus on "relaxing" and "not trying" maybe next month well be pregnant!

Move ahead 1 space- Gottcha, Go back 2 spaces!

Move on to Follistim- Oh never mind, you need surgery. Take 2 steps back! SORRY! My TTC journey is fucking SORRY!

The HSG that 2 doctors told me was normal is not so fucking normal now. Could possibly be the reason for the 2 miscarriages as well as why we aren't getting pregnant. Oh, but when they showed me the video after the HSG I was told everything looked good. Now that it is time to move on, now I am hearing that after we spent money on an IUI that wasn't going to work anyway. That's just great!!

I go to the dr today anyway for an end of cycle u/s and to discuss this new development. And, boy do I have some questions!! Like why was I told to go ahead with an IUI that was going to fail? Why am I being told now that it is abnormal? Is this a physician discrepancy? Is the surgery really needed and/or how beneficial will it be? What are the risks? Do I really need to do it? What exactly is a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy? And what will you do, if you get in there and there is all kinds of mess in my uterus??

And to top it all off- they can't do it until Nov 12th!! So that means at least 2 cycles of nothing!! That just isn't going to work with me! I am trying to learn some patience- but I am losing my patience quickly! And my mind!

On a personal note- my wonderful husband tells me yesterday after I hear the news that I need to have surgery that "You need to be more positive or we should quit." Which today he adamantly denies. I won't even tell you what happened after that!! Then, my mother tells me yesterday (as if I hadn't had enough shit for one day), "You shouldn't question God." So God is saying that I will be a bad mother? Are you telling me God doesn't want me to have children? Is God saying that we are unfit? What? She didn't answer me. I teach kids who are unwanted- I had a mother tell me last year as I sat there bleeding from my 2nd m/c that she HATED her son, she never wanted him, she didn't want him around her, and that's why he lives with her mother and not with her. So I am going to be a worse parent than she is? WTF? Is that what God is trying to tell me, I am not worthy of a child? I will neglect or abuse my children?? That I will be cruel and horrible to them? I am a teacher for crying out loud!! I HAVE to be a better mother than a crackhead is!! I have to be better than a mother who allows her boyfriend to rape and molest her child! I thought I would be better- you know, since I would love them and all. I am spending an ass load of money to try and get pregnant!

I am trying to pull myself together enough to get through this day- 1. without crying in class and 2. without hurting a family member! Any suggestions on how to be successful in both- greatly appreciated!

TTC is a highway!!

Full of twists and bumps and road kill! Some people get to exit off early, others have to keep driving- like on the road cross country or something! So I am on my cross country adventure to be with child or children- whichever!!

No use in sugar coating it any more for myself, I have accepted reality that it is only going to cost more and more for me to get pregnant and then we won't have any money to raise our wee ones. But they will be loved and wanted!! Who needs clothes when you have love? We have 8 tomato plants in the backyard- we'll live on tomatoes and love!!

I called the Jones Inst. yesterday and the nurse I love was out sick!! She sounded fine on Friday when I talked to her! Ha! The other nurse that called me back had no idea what was going on with me so I just made my appt to see Dr Never Smiles and I will go about my merry way! I do have to drive over to the other side of the water to see her, which takes about an hour, but it will be worth it!! I want her to tell me what we need to do!! She is MY dr however and I feel very comfortable with her!

So there you have it- a play by play! Next step u/s tomorrow afternoon! Hopefully, Clomid did not overstimulate me- like it has before! If I need to move on then I need to not be overstimulated!! No grapefruit sized ovaries here please!! Need nice, regular sized ones please!! I have been a good girl and done everything the drs have asked of me- so body give me a break please!! I just want a normal u/s and a go ahead to do something!! I want a baby belly already!! Sheesh!! What's a girl gotta do around here to get knocked up?

Put on your Big Girl Panties!!

Ok, I am not that skinny in my panties, but it's my blog so I can do whatever I want!!

So after a day of being pissed about my BFN I decided to come up with somethings that will make this positive! So here's my list:

1. I WILL lose more weight before I get my BFP. I have lost 46 lbs so far and I will lose at least

4 more lbs! I WILL that is the end of that!

2. I am going to tan!! I know, I know it is bad for my skin but I want to have that pregnancy

"glow" even if I am not pregnant!! Plus, having a little color will help me when it is time to take

my belly pics!! You don't want to see my white belly!!

3. I'll get to help Bobby remodel our bathroom. Ok, I was really hoping I could just supervise,

but I guess I''ll throw in some old fashion elbow grease to help him! Remember, I am trying

to be positive.

4. I am sure there's some other good stuff out there but this is all I could think of! After all I am

only human and I am still disappointed that it is another round of something whatever that

may be!

I will call in the morning to see what the game plan is for us, so

TO BE CONTINUED.........

Big Girls Don't Cry

or maybe they do!

Cause whoever came up with that saying never experience infertility and those words when you wake up. It might as well say, "You are wasting your money, dumbass", "Maybe it is time to relax and not try so hard", or "Start looking into adoption". That's the slap in the face I feel every time I pee on one of those sticks. Yet even though I knew that I wasn't pregnant, I can always hold out hope until I see those words and let it slap me around like a ho that hasn't paid her pimp. What a roller coaster ride!!! This TTC one sucks ass and I am over it! I want the one that results in pregnancy! Where is that line?

This was by far the most expensive cycle so far while TTC. So I felt like I was doubly slapped. I mean how can IUI not work? The sperm are right there!!! Kiss my ass infertility!!

So what's next you say? I call Monday and set up an end of cycle u/s to check for cysts and see what Dr Never Smiles says let's do. Let's see if cycle #17 is lucky....

For now I will go sulk somewhere and pout and cry!

To Follistim or not to Follistim- 'tis the question!

Well, as a person who needs to have a game plan- I have already started thinking- Follistim or not? At my last appointment, Dr Austrian informed me that if no BFP this cycle then it is time we move on to injectables. So Bobby and I are at that point... move on or take a break? A little scary if you ask me... but maybe it is the means to the end of this TTC journey for us.

So we have had "the talk" with the normal questions such as "Are we sure?", "Should we try Clomid some more?", "What's wrong with what we are doing?", "Should we take a break?", and most importantly..."What if we get more than we can handle?"

None of these are perfect solutions to what we are doing- we want a baby or babies. I'll take whatever I can get, I just want a healthy one or ones. Whatever we get at this point I will be so grateful for!

I called Jones today to get my ball rolling... I like action.. a game plan per se... I like knowing what is next...something!! I want a baby, Damn, how hard can it be? Apparently pretty hard! But that is another topic. I love Dr Never Smiles (she knows her shit) and her nurse (who talks almost as much as me)... I called and expected for her to get back to me later today after I gave the lady my info and she is like ok hold on... and the nurse hops on the phone. I explain that I haven't tested yet but I want to have Dr Never Smiles opinion on what Dr Austrian said about starting injectables. Nurse Talkative says she'll talk to Dr Never Smiles and they will get info together for me. I think she was shocked I hadn't tested yet. But I was holding out strong! No early testing for me. I stated my case that we decided that we were ready to move on if Dr Never Smiles says that it is time. What I wasn't expecting was...

You have to take a cycle off of any meds to move on.. not just to give your ovaries a break to prevent OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome I think) but for a mental break as well. This cuts into my "time frame" I had allotted myself. I have been under a time frame since the bad Clomid cycle in April- I said if no BFP by Dec then back on bc it is for me until the spring of '09. I know- being infertile- why go back on bc since I obviously can't get pregnant off bc? Well, I know in order for me to have a "break" then I have to cut all ties to TTC. So bc I will do... only for about 5 months to get me to "relax"... I should get knocked up then, right?

My thought- I'm screwed no matter what I do!!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=IeT69JkjzlI&feature=related

So I am not any closer to a baby than I was yesterday! Damn it!!

Good news- Hopefully this was all for nothing- I am testing in the morning 14 dpo (days past ovulation)- need lots and lots of prayers for a HEALTHY BFP this time!!! I want a HEALTHY baby in my arms!!! I hope all my planning is in vain! PLEASE!!!

We are SO not happy about it!

So I get to rant now and I am sorry for this and I hope it doesn't get any one's panties all in a wad like mine were. Just to keep this on a professional level- (HA like I can do that anyway) I will keep people anonymous.



Let's call this person "Susie"- Susie and I know each other, we are not exactly friends but we talk on occasion and she KNOWS we are going through fertility treatments and that I have been ttc for quite some time now.



So Susie casually tells me she is pregnant (Great for her I am truly happy for people when they tell me they are pregnant- it is a miracle) and then in the same breath says "And we are NONE too happy about it" Thankfully I used my acting skills and I didn't look as appalled as I obviously am as I stand there with an empty womb and I would just about do anything to have a child in my arms. I tried not to envision myself bitch slapping her - but I did. I try to teach the kids at school that violence is not the answer and they have told me that sometimes it is- I see their point now. Then proceeds to say how she was on bc ( birth control)! Holy shit, I haven't tried that but maybe I need some bc to get pregnant- I'll ask Dr. Never Smiles about that at my next RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appt. She might smile at me then!! ( J/K she does laugh/smile at me- who doesn't I ask?) Maybe she'll write me out a script for some good ole bc for me to get knocked up!! I mean shit we have tried alot of things so far- but bc wasn't one of them. And to top it off -then tells me that I will be able to help her get through this. With what my knowledge on how to get pregnant and your menstrual cycle? I don't know what happens when you are pregnant- never made it through the first trimester myself. But alas, I must be that person that looks like I give 2 shits.



My thought for this is- why the fuck would you tell someone that you know is going through fertility treatments that you are not too happy about being pregnant?? I would chop off my arm and give away my kidney to have a baby! I use to want a passel of kids- now I will be happy if I can just get one and bring it home from the hospital with all ten fingers and toes! I mean can people be any more inconsiderate? I actually already know the answer because I know that people have said worse. Like "just relax" or "I didn't do any of those ovulation thingies you are doing and I got pregnant, stop wasting your money on that stuff" " I just stopped thinking about it" "Are you propping up your feet on the headboard after sex?' "Maybe ya'll should go on vacation" (we went on a cruise to Alaska, any more relaxed and I would be dead- but still not pregnant)



The careless comments about maybe stopping the treatments is one I really enjoy too. Goes along with the whole "I didn't use all those pee sticks and I have 3 kids" well that's great cause Dr Never Smiles and Dr Austrian I am sure are wrong in treating me for infertility since I am apparently fertile if I would just relax and stop trying so hard.



So my thanks is to Cindy- she has helped me see the humor in ttc and that if we don't laugh we would all go insane! (I also borrowed this video clip- have to it fits)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIH5ayG1qho



I know I must be wasting my money at Jones Institute since I have had so any people tell me how to get pregnant "I should just relax". damn I should have thought about relaxing- I don't know 17 months ago.... but I think I will go relax now and see if that results in me being with child!!

Is it hot in here?

Hot, hazy, and humid. That's how you can describe my body right now. I have spent the last 22 days in a hot and hazy daze- first from the Clomid and now from the Progestrone. I wonder if I am really TTC or if I am going through menopause- I now know why my mom seemed a little crazy while she was going through the change- You are frying your brain inside your skull! I am constantly wavering between feeling like my chest will burst because I am so hot or just sweating in places that I didn't know had sweat glands. I wake up every morning in a nasty sweat that is just GROSS! Ahh those lovely side effects from the drugs.

I also think that these drugs actually make the insanity plea plausible. Don't tell Bobby- but I think these hormones can make you say just about anything plus they make me a little more sensitive than usual. I am more likely than not to lose it while I do just about anything, driving is the big thing right now. I know that I have road range and I am flipping people off left and right here lately. My patience is null and void right now. Why you say? I don't really know but I think it is from the hormones induced by drugs, these drs are like pushers they have you hooked thinking that this concoction of drugs will help you succeed in getting pregnant. So any infertile knows- you will try almost anything to achieve that dream! I am fully admitting that I will try pretty much anything to get pregnant! I have heard some 'good' advice on how I can get pregnant- but I'll save that for another blog.

I guess besides being sweaty and hormonal, my next biggest complaint from these drugs that are suppose to help get me pregnant and maintain a pregnancy is that I am tired of being tired! Since I become an enraging inferno mostly at night, I throw off the covers and sit up and turn the fan up higher and I wonder what people did before a/c. And if I am lucky I will fall back asleep only to awaken shivering as I am freezing after all the sweat has dried and I have no covers on, BTW not complaining about being cold just that I am awaken AGAIN. So usually this happens several times through out the night. Which if you know me then you know that I love my sleep!! I can sleep on demand if need be, always have- right now not so much. I love sleeping in on the weekends and during the summer- one of those things I am trying to enjoy before I have kids and they get up early. But I hope they take more after me in that aspect and will enjoy sleeping in.

Ok enough of my grumbles about the side effects- but if I tend to be testy now you know why. It is all kind of bundled into one big cause- Hormonal Drugs!!

So I guess I need to warn some that may read here that there is no bars held here. Whenever and whatever I feel like saying I will and that includes the words that I have learned from the kids at school! So sorry in advance but I can be vulgar and graphic- can't help it- it's the hormones!!

Great day- Virginia Tech beat Georgia Tech!! YAY!! I love my college football! Go Hokies!!

My first Blog

So yesterday my teaching assistant said "You should write a blog, Courtney" which I had already been thinking about but figured I didn't have anything new to say about infertility that hasn't already been said. But here goes...

I am very open and honest with pretty much anybody and everybody about the "Trial and Tribulations of my Hoo-Ha" especially now that I think everyone has seen it- well as long as they are wearing a white coat!

I am starting this blog in the hopes to relieve some of the tension off of myself and to give you some behind the scenes footage of infertility treatments. Hopefully, with some luck and good ole fashion sperm meeting up with the egg, I will achieve pregnancy and then I can rant about that for 9 months!!

The infertility issue we have is with my ovaries and me. I was diagnosed in February with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and some pretty wacky and weird stuff that was going on with my body. So PCOS means that I am anovulatory (not ovulating or not ovulating mature eggs). To help reduce some of the symptoms of PCOS, I began South Beach (which I LOVE) and I have lost over 43 lbs. Depends on what I ate the night before will depend on my weight loss. But that was the first line of defense for me- the dr said lose weight so I have- womb is still empty. WTH? But anyway- can't say I didn't try!

We are currently at the Jones Institute for Reproductive Medicine. I love my drs.- well some of them anyway. But they are super knowledgeable and have said their job is to get me pregnant- anyone who says that and can also accomplish it- gets a prize!! We have had other testing in the past few months- I had an HSG (which I don't know the whole name) which is where they shoot dye into the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure everything is clear and there are no blockages- I got a perfect A+ (ALL CLEAR)! Bobby also had a sperm analysis which he did well too. He was "normal" and deserves an A as well. He has a good sperm count and morphology. Thank God- one less thing we didn't have to throw into the mix.

I are taking Clomid , Metformin (to help with the PCOS insulin resistance), baby aspirin, B12, Folic Acid, prenatals, Ovidrel (a trigger shot to make me ovulate), and Progestrone this cycle. We also did IUI (interuterine insemination) last Friday. Maybe we'll be like Jon and Kate plus 8?? She has PCOS and did IUI.... only time will tell

cause I am officially in part duex of my 2ww (2 week wait). Which means I have one more week until I can test to see if I am pregnant. So fingers crossed and lots of sprinkles of babydust or magic or whatever that will or can knock me up.

I promise to get some pretty stuff on here too pretty soon, just wanted to get this up and going. Oh I got my title from all the inconsiderate people that are fertile that have said to me "it'll happen when you least expect it" Well at this point every month I least expect it so will it happen NOW? How about now? Ahhh... the life of being infertile and the waiting that goes along with TTC.

Court